Category Archives: Action Heroes

05Dec/16

Protectors And Warriors – Catfights

Catfights

Speaking of the dagger. Women often complain that their husbands never take their side when she has an argument with his mother or another woman. I ask the woman then: “If two men were fighting each other with daggers, would you step in between them?” This is how men perceive two women fighting. If he interferes, he is going to get hurt – probably in the groin region. The secret is not to fight with another woman, but rather to lay down the weapon, move in behind her man, and trust him to protect her. He might not do it the way she wants him to (don’t tell him what to do), but he will protect her. She may want him to call his mother and give her a piece of his mind.

He might solve it by just keeping the two of them apart. He hates conflict, remember, and he hates being the anti-hero more. Telling his mother to butt-out makes him a major anti-hero. Please understand this. (I did not say it was fair.) Men do not like bitchy and sarcastic women.

They are oblivious to the finer nuances in a catfight, but they can recognise open sarcastic, bitchy hostility and they don’t like it. Most women are clever enough to stage a scene to make the other woman seem the bitch. Men never like seeing a dagger coming from a woman’s mouth because they never know when it will be directed at them.

 

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Case example:

One man was caught in an argument between his wife and their best female friend. He happened to agree with the other girl’s point of view. “What was I supposed to do?” he asked me. “If you were at a dinner party and you made some comment that someone else disagreed with, would you want your wife to have your back, or would you want her to side with the other person against you?

When we are in a partnership, we back each other up. You may just put your arm around your wife and say: “Even if I disagree with my wife’s point of view, I support her right to express her opinion.” Or just put your arm around her and say nothing. That would make her feel that you are protecting her, without having to agree with her.”

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Remember in one of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, where the mermaids hang on to the rowing boats of the pirates, and they have the sweetest, serene, beautiful faces and suddenly they open their mouths revealing their terrible fangs? That pretty much describes what happens when that TONE OF VOICE and the daggers emerge.

Check out men’s profiles on dating sites. What is the one major off-putting characteristic they all agree on? Sarcasm.

 

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Case example:

A man walks up to his girlfriend at a social function. He asks if he can get her a refill. “I thought you’d never ask. You would let me die of thirst here,” she says and holds her glass out to him. He will refill her drink and hand it to her silently. And he will pick a fight with her on the way home and he will probably just drop her off at the gate. What if she had just smiled and said: “Thanks, you’re my hero.” He would have been attentive and affectionate towards her and all the other women would have complained to their husbands and boyfriends asking why could they not be more like that man who clearly adores his girlfriend?

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Ask nicely

 

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Case example:

The woman says: “You know,” wagging her finger in the air, “you would walk past this smelly dustbin and not even think of taking it out. I have to do everything in this house.” Then she wonders why he just looks at her and then resumes watching television. What happened to: “Would you please take out the dustbin for me, it’s heavy and smelly.” His first reaction would probably be: “Must I do it now?” (I told you it’s not fair.) Then she responds: “Yes please, I want to start dinner and it’s smelly and I’m sure you are hungry too.” If she smiles when she asks, he will do it. When he returns and she thanks him for being her hero, he will probably hang around the kitchen and ask if there is anything else he can do to help her. Ask him to peel the onions. Why don’t women just ask nicely when they want men to do something for them?

Why do women think they have to manipulate to get something? Ask nicely, charm a little and stroke his ego, it works better. Men are not stupid. They know when they are being manipulated and they resent it. They also know when they are being charmed and they love it. Just be sincere. If she does not want to stroke his ego and be charming towards him, what is she doing there? Is this not the man she is supposed to be in love with? The more truly feminine she is, the more she activates the hero. If he does not respond with heroic actions, leave.

One woman asked: “So must I continuously lick his boots to get him to do something?” “No, just ask nicely,” I answered. “Must I then continuously praise him and tell him he is my hero?” she asked. “Why not? You did it when you dated. You married your hero. Why not remind him of it? What do you have to lose? You may just regain your hero.”

One man explains: “Please don’t lose the praising. You will profit double in return and other women will envy the way he spoils you.”

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04Dec/16

Protectors and Warriors – The male apology

The male apology

Many women expect men to verbally apologise or agree with them. Why? He is a man, he has an ego – which is a good thing – why insist on a verbal apology? It is not his language. He is action orientated. He will SHOW her he is sorry by filling her car with petrol, buying her flowers, or just doing something for her. Once she understands this, and acknowledges the act of apology, without insisting on the verbal apology, he will thank his lucky stars for being with the best woman in the world and he will endeavour to spoil her more.

 

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Case example:

A couple had a huge argument at a friend’s house. As they approached the garden gate on their way out, the man stopped and picked a flower. “We must get you a plant like this,” he said and offered her the flower. She slapped the flower from his hand. What she did not realise was that the offering of the flower was his way of apologising. Men would much rather express themselves through such an action, than with a verbal apology. It’s the way they are.

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Many men told me they do not always expect a woman to say she is sorry if she did something that offended him. They rather want her to understand why he was offended. For example discussing his shortcomings with his friends is excruciatingly embarrassing to a warrior. Betraying his secrets and embarrassing him in company are some of the worst offences.

Fighting his battles

Remember men are warriors. Some women however, think they can snatch the sword from his hand and fight the battle for him. (He wants her to be able to fight her own battles when he is not there, but don’t fight his battles when he is present.) When this occurs, he will either attack her, or sit back and watch her make a fool of herself. Men usually have a reaction: “Well then, see if you can do it better, but don’t come running to me if you get hurt.” Battlefield is male territory, if a woman engages in battle, she becomes a comrade or an enemy, not the woman he needs to protect. And he wants to be with a woman whom he can protect, because it makes him feel good. What makes the woman think she can handle his situation better?

 

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Case example:

A man and his girlfriend approached the client liaison officer at the bank. The man explained that he wanted to switch bank accounts. The client liaison officer was a bit haughty. The girlfriend stepped up from behind him, pushed her way in front, wagged her finger at the liaison officer and told her her fortune. The man left the bank. The girlfriend said she just tried to help. Soon after, he left the girlfriend too. Men do not require women to take up arms for them. They need women to back them up. The emphasis is on Stay back.

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Another more mild example of snatching the sword from his hand would be a couple sitting at a table in a restaurant and the waiter taking his time to attend to them. Then the woman waves a waiter over or worse, gets up and fetches a waiter to the table. Sit back, lady, relax. He has it under control. She will get her food and he will pay for it too. It may be a good idea as well to tell the man what she would like to order in stead of directly to the waiter. Men look forward to treating a lady to dinner. It  resents them with an opportunity to be a hero, to treat her and spoil her. It is not that he is buying your gratitude, because he is paying for dinner, it is more just a matter of good manners to show genuine appreciation. Is it really too much to ask to make him feel like the hero? I think not.

Heroes never kick the bunny

When I was still a profiler, a murder and robbery commander invited me to his house. He wanted to show me something. The detectives were quite curious, so we all went along. He showed me his children’s bunny. I held the bunny and stroked its ears. The men were mesmerised. I put the bunny down and it hopped around on the lawn. Their gazes followed the bunny. When the bunny approached one of them, the others would caution him to watch out for the bunny. I realised there is a code of honour among men: No one kicks the bunny. They protect the bunny and they feel good protecting the bunny. I am not advocating that women should hop around the lawn, but since women have a deep seated need to feel safe, what’s wrong with activating the protector and making the men feel good about it? It’s a win-win.

The last word on men and action: A man has got to do what a man has got to do. Don’t stand in his way, rather trust that he will do it well, and he may just want to come home to you, without you having to try and catch him.

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27Dec/16

Read More – Time Out

Time-Out is a life skill tool that any one of the parties can call during a heated argument and the other person has to adhere, for the sake of the relationship, personal dignity and self respect.

The procedure of Time-Out work as follows:

We call Time-Out when we reach that point in the argument where we are about to lose control, either by saying things we should not, or worse, where we may just resort to violence.

If any person calls Time-Out, then the parties retreat, each to a different safe haven. This can be to the bedroom, the garden outside, bathroom etc. Just get away from each other.

Now you can continue the argument on a virtual platform with the partner, venting all your anger and releasing all the dirty name calling burning inside your guts, in a room or space where no-one but yourself can hear it. At first we focus on the other person: “You are a lousy, low down snake.” “You are a manipulating bitch.” Carry on until you have nothing left to say. The aim of this part of the exercise is just to vent and rid yourself of the anger – which is a destructive emotion.

Then we shift gears and we express our feelings: “I am angry, I am hurting, I feel betrayed, I am disappointed, I feel lost, I feel trapped…” Cry if needs be. Bury your face in the pillow. Just let it out. The aim of this part of the exercise is to get in touch with your feelings and express them. Tell yourself what you are feeling. This helps you to ground yourself and to get a hold of yourself.

When all is out of your system, now investigate your own point of view re the argument. Are you really 100% right? Are there matters where you can concede or compromise? Remember no-one can hear you and argue with you at this point. Just consider that you may not be 100% right.

Now re-evaluate the partner’s point of view. Even if it does not make sense, see if you can at least repeat their point of view, just to make sure that you actually heard it. But do make an effort to find some truth or justification or make sense from it. You don’t have to agree with it, just try to figure it out and consider it.

Ask yourself if the issue that you are arguing about is going to be important in 6 months’ time?

Is there perhaps a hidden subtext underlying this issue, that is more important and that you are both ignoring.

If the issue will not be important in 6 months’ time, go out and make up, even if you were right and the other party was wrong. Your marriage is more important than being right.

If there is a subtext, at least acknowledge that there may be a bigger problem which may require professional help and in the mean time, call a truce.

Go out and find a more friendly and amicable way to call a truce. Is it really worth a few days’ sulking?

Apologies can always help. Even if you are not apologising for your behaviour or whatever the perception is that you did wrong, at least be sorry that you hurt the other person’s feelings. This is after all the person that you love and that you want to be with.

Time-Out should not exceed an hour. If you cannot calm down within an hour at least go out and tell the partner that you are still upset and that you would prefer to talk about it the following day. Then go to bed and sleep.

Time-Out can only be called when both parties have at least had a chance to say something. A person cannot say: “I am angry because you came home late” and before the other person can even explain or defend, you call Time-Out. Time-Out is not a tool to silence the other person. It is a tool to control your own anger.

Self control and self discipline are easy words to use when we are calm. It is in the heat of the moment when it requires almost super human effort to apply it. This is what makes us mature adults. We take responsibility to vent our anger without destruction.

Take me back to Action Heroes: Protectors And Warriors – A woman does not have to fight