Category Archives: Heroes – Mobile Book

08Jan/17

Read More: Welcome to Life as a Single Independent Woman

So, you’re newly divorced, never want to marry or date again and decide it’s time to become that wonderful vision of a Single Independent Woman owning your own house? No more little Cinderella-waiting-for-the-prince for you. Here are some pointers to becoming a Single Independent Woman, from one who has done this for decades:

Do you realise when you buy your own house that besides the transfer costs, lawyer’s costs, insurance and all the other hidden costs, you have to consider the following:

Do you realise shopping will never be the same again? From now on hardware stores take preference over Woolies, shoe shops and boutiques. Tools and especially power tools, top your birthday present wish list, and believe me, you appreciate these much more than another bottle of bubble bath, especially if it’s lavender flavour.

Do you know you have to replace the batteries of the electric fence and alarm systems – so they remain activated when there is a power failure. Do you even know where these alarms are and how they work? Do you know if you have 5 remotes it will cost you a fortune to replace all and have all of them calibrated again, even if you lose just one? A handyman has to come to your house to calibrate them all again. Remember to replace the remotes’ batteries.

If the previous owners rewired the bar fridge themselves, you can’t get a normal electrician to fix it, it has to be a refrigerator man because it involves gas. Here’s a tip, look on the fridge for the manufacturer’s telephone number instead of paging through the yellow pages. Take his (and all other handymen’s) personal cell numbers, for often enough you have to call them back for a job half-done.

The electric cable of your electric garage door runs in a shaft and this needs to be greased regularly or the motor will burn out. Did you know that you need a special grease called Brana grease and that you cannot use normal car grease as it erodes the whole thing? You would have to pay to degrease it if you used the wrong grease and reinstall the remote. You can’t get Brana at hardware stores, only at manufacturers of garage door motors.

Do you know to replace that little fan belt of the electric garage door shaft costs a fortune because it is imported? Do you know you would not have to replace it if you used the right grease? It’s still cheaper than buying a new motor.

Do you know if you do not secure your electric gate motor with a huge round padlock costing a fortune then thieves will unscrew the motor and steal it? A new motor costs another fortune, and you can claim this motor back from the house-insurance at the bank, but you will pay for the vat and anti-theft bracket, which will cost you a fortune plus another fortune for the padlock and you have to take the day off work to go to the police station to make the statement about the theft before you can claim the insurance and you have to take another day off work and be at home when they install the new motor. So just buy the padlock for the fortune from the beginning.

Do you realise you don’t have a husband who can do all of this for you and there is no-one at home when you arrive after dark who could have switched on the lights, checked the pool’s the Creepy Crawly and the filters, changed the light bulbs, fed the cat and started dinner. If you arrive after sunset – you arrive at a dark house, an annoyed cat and risk being hi-jacked in your driveway.

Do you have your Security Company and Mr Delivery take-away’s numbers on speed dial on your phone? Some security companies are kind enough to wait for you in your driveway if you give them a call on your way home, but they won’t feed the cat.

Do you know you better stop for milk, bread and cold drink on your way home, for there is no secretary, no husband, housekeeper and no flatmate etc to buy this for you and your cat doesn’t do groceries. Do you know that Mr Delivery can deliver milk and cold drink, even alcohol as well, but not cat food?

Do you know if you do not regularly clean all three filters of the swimming pool and check the Creepy Crawly’s throat for pebbles, the motor can burn out and a new Creepy Crawly costs a fortune? Regular means every other day, so this is another reason why you want to be home before sunset. If the creepy is not working, clean the filters, check if a section in the pipe has a hole in it and replace only that section or replace the big round rubber flap instead of buying a new Creepy. I fixed a hole in the creepy with Pratley Putty – silicone doesn’t work.

Do you know once you made it home before sunset, attended to the garage door that makes an awful noise and refuses to close (if the springs on the side are worn out, they can be adjusted with a screwdriver instead of replacing them), checked the Creepy in the pool, changed the broken light bulbs, fed the cat and switched on the alarm system, you are allowed to watch soaps on television without disturbance and without answering your cell phone or feeling guilty about it. This is why you became single in the first place, right?

Do you realise when you get up in the middle of the night due to a strange noise and you have to check the property for burglars with a weapon in one hand and cell phone in the other and the car – and house keys dangling in between your fingers, that it is better to wear a dressing gown / track suit with pockets and not do this dressed in your underwear, shortie pajamas and bunny slippers, specially if you live next to a student commune or across a men’s hostel like I used to do.

Do you know if the previous owners rewired the irrigation system themselves, you have to have it rewired and have your lawn dug up in the process? And these guys are most likely to puncture a water pipe or the pool, as in my case.

Do you know if you have wooden floors it will cost you a fortune to have the termites checked and killed. If you ask nicely, they will do the lawn for you as well, but this does not kill big black ants.

Can you prune the roses, de-weed the garden and mow your own lawn without killing yourself? Do you own a lawnmower, weed-eater, garden hose, wheelbarrow, shears and garden tools?

Do you have a friend who is a fundi on computers? Get one. Anti-virus programmes need to be updated annually.

Do you know even a simple job such as changing a light bulb is a major effort? I had high ceilings and had to buy one of those fancy ladders that fold open, because there is no-one to hold a normal ladder for me. Also even the fancy ladder is so damn tight and difficult to open that I regularly break my nails. Spray-n-cook is not a good replacement for oil, no matter what people say.

Do you know that a woman’s hand is too small to open the anti-child proof swimming pool pod and that you can hold the bottle between your knees and struggle till you open it, but don’t do it with your teeth because it is poisonous. Also you will hurt your hand and break your fingernails every time you switch the pool motor from filter, to backwash, to rinse and when you clean that inside filter, so don’t expect not to get hurt.

Can you take your pool’s temperature and administer the right medicine if it is green after a thunderstorm?

Do you also strew lawn feed on your lawn during a thunderstorm, because if the chemicals don’t get enough water very soon they will burn the grass? Wear a raincoat and no bunny slippers when you do this.

Can you make a decent fire in the fireplace and have you discovered firelighters? Do your friends laugh when you add a bag of firewood to your birthday present wish list?

Do you know that it is your responsibility to check when your driver’s licence expires and that you have to take a day of work to stand in the queue to have it renewed and what it will cost you? Do you know they don’t accept colour photos although it says so on the notice boards, so you have to take off another day from work and come back the following day.

Do you check when your passport expires? What about your firearm licence?

Do you know how much it costs you to have a vehicle registered on your name and you still need to pay the insurance monthly?

Do you know you have to ask your vehicle tracking company to check you car every six months, else your insurance is invalid and they won’t pay out – check the small print.

Do you know besides checking oil, water and petrol you also have to check brake fluid and if the brake fluid is empty (and you have no brakes) you can’t just buy a bottle and pour it in, your brakes have to be bled by a professional. I don’t know how much this costs, but I have a friend who did it for me.

Do you take your car for regular services every 15 000 km as the booklet advises? You should. Your husband used to do this for you. You have to first phone the garage and make an appointment. Then you drive to the garage before 08h00 and hand in the car and the keys. Then get a cup of coffee, sit down and wait for one of the drivers to take you home or to your work. The same driver will fetch you at about 5 o’clock and make sure you have your chequebook ready. At least your car is washed when you fetch it, because who has time to wash it?

Do you know the number of a tow-in service or do you have such a sticker on your car?

Do you know that you are not allowed to touch those long shaped light bulbs/globes for the spotlights with your bare fingers and you have to use a clean rag, whilst balancing on the stepladder and biting the star screwdriver between your teeth. Don’t get up there with a normal flat screwdriver, you are just going to have to get down again and fetch a star screwdriver. You do know the difference, don’t you? If you lose (or accidently swallow) the screw, you can use one of those black plastic tie-thingies, but then you have to climb the ladder with the globe (held in a clean rag), scissors to cut the old black tie-thingie and a spare black tie-thingie all in your hands and beware that the glass pane does not slip out, because the rubber around it disintegrates, faster than cheese go bad in your fridge.

Do you know your house’s gutters have to be cleaned once a year before the rain season, at least? Invest in that ladder and plastic gloves.

Do you know the wooden window frames that look so expensive and all other wood have to be treated at least once every six months, else they will rot and that they are very expensive to replace.

Are you on first name terms with the shop assistants at the hardware store? Do you have a fully equipped toolbox and do you know you can get a fixture for screws, which fits on your electric drill like a bit and you don’t have to buy an electric screwdriver? You don’t have to have an electric screwdriver of course, but stock up on band-aids and expect tough blisters on your hands, if you don’t. Also invest in a Hilti.

Do you know a tube of silicone can fix the leak in your shower top, plug up a leak in the irrigation system and seal a hole in your roof? You can also get rubber stick-on strips to seal window frames from drafts.

Do you have your own lawyer, financial adviser, personal banker and auditor? Get them and remember their birthdays. Do you have a retirement plan and do you pay through your nose for premiums and would you rather eat sardines for a month than skip any of these payments, for you are now a single income family – you and your cat – and there is no second income salary or hubby to take care of you when you are old and decrepit?

Do you have a medical aid fund that costs you a fortune per month and do you have Professional Income Protection for if you dare to get sick and you are self employed, there is nobody to earn money to pay the bills at the end of the month and buy the cat’s food? You may send yourself flowers if you are sick and you can afford it.

Can you fill in a tax form? Do you keep all your slips, invoices etc and file them for your auditor and hand it in just after end of February?

Can you pay your accounts on the Internet and do you have all the security requirements updated as stipulated by the bank. Do you know about pin codes, passwords and extra security and do you check your bank statements every month, including cheque, credit, car, house bond, savings etc? Come again… savings – you think you can save? You’ve got be kidding!

Do you remember to refill the big gas bottle for the gas barbeque and make sure the gardener is there that day, for how the dickens do you think are you going to manage to off load that thing on your own? Keep the slip for the refill and remember to turn off the gas when you have finished the barbeque or become a vegetarian like me and leave the barbeque for your male friends.

A new tyre for your car costs a fortune or more and remember to stand in the queue again to renew your car registration every year, because they no longer send you reminders.

Do you remember your cell phone contract needs to be updated every 2 years and you need to take another day off work to do this?

If you ever think of DIY building, rather shoot yourself in the knee or chew off your left breast. It is less agonizing.

Do you have a contract for the tenant? Who fixes the geyser? Do you know that you cannot use a domestic violence interdict against a paying in-house tenant and an eviction order will cost you thousands and take months, so you have to screen very carefully whom you allow to live in your house? Beware of legal-wise old ladies, who work on your sympathy, move in with their dogs, drive into your car and cost you a fortune to evict. Check with your lawyer.

Do you know if someone shares your house and you do not charge him/her rent (and you have proved it with receipts, even if it is a minimum amount per month), they can claim a domestic relationship and move out with all your furniture, although you bought everything? This includes husbands, boyfriends, relatives and friends. Draw up a contract or get one at a stationary store. Check with your lawyer.

Can you replace a windowpane, putty and all? Can you replace a door lock, fix a leaking faucet and replace a floor tile?

Do you know the value of Clean Green?

Do you remember to put the garbage bin out on the evening before collections or else you have to do it early that morning, even though you are all prettily dressed up for work and smell like garbage once you have done it? Do you know they don’t remove garbage bags placed next to the bin? The bags have to be inside. And these guys still have the audacity to ask for Christmas boxes!

If your tv/ decoder blinks out, do you have your smart card number, do you know where the smart card is in the decoder and can you actually get a picture back on the screen without having to phone the emergency number, because everyone is phoning that number right then and you are going to wait in a long queue and miss your soaps. PS you should be watching international news – not soaps. You need to make an impression as an intelligent well-informed woman at that next dinner party and not sound like a spoiled housewife hooked on soaps.

Do you know where to take your decoder for an upgrade?

Do you realise if you work a full week you have no time to buy, fix, change and exchange all these things during the week and therefore you never get to tan next to your beautiful sparkling pool, because you spend the whole damn weekend driving around and fixing things.

Do you realise at least once a year, you deserve a hot rock massage? Forget the manicure – you have no nails left.

Wouldn’t it be nice if someone opens a pub and install laundry machines and tumble dryers, so single women can have a drink, relax and get their laundry done on a Friday after work? Then we might have time to watch International News programmes on Sunday evenings and sound clever at work on Monday mornings.

Do you realise despite all this, you hope you have an understanding boss who does not expect you to work after dark; a regular salary increase; gay friends who double up as handymen and do not expect sex as payment; a sense of humour and in the end you still like to be a Single Independent Woman, because there is nothing like watching television at six o clock in the evening, bathed and dressed up in your Garfield jammies and bunny slippers, eating whatever you feel like and not having to please the whole family. Except of course your cat, who thinks you are the cat’s whiskers, because he just got fed that scrumptious imported expensive cat food, which you remembered to buy on your way home. Congratulations!

PS: If you happen to be a husband reading this, show it to your wife and she might appreciate you more. I know I would appreciate it.

Take me back to Break-Up And Divorce – Parenting Plans

08Jan/17

The Seasoned Hero: Second Time Around

seasoned-heroes The recovered divorced man has several new partnership options, more than the recovered divorced woman.He can date younger never-been-married-before women, divorced women with or without children, or widows.

Divorced women can usually only date divorced men or widowers. Some women find younger-never-been-married men, but mostly they do not. Toyboys are expensive.

Who are his options?

Some divorced parents are seriously only looking for a partner to help them raise their children. Custody of children are often granted to mothers. Many young divorcees in their 30s struggling to get by on insufficient maintenance, or single mothers, are desperately trying to catch a wealthy divorced man, to pay for their children’s tuition and secure their future.

The easiest way to catch such a man of course is by falling pregnant. It is quite shocking how many women still catch a man by falling pregnant and how many men still fall for this. When I warn the men of this possibility, they give me that double-take look, which means they never considered that it could happen to them.

Some women in their 40s and 50s find themselves in a predicament where their husbands left them for younger women, or just walked out because they had had enough. Some of these women walked out because they had had enough. Whatever the reason, they suddenly find themselves in a situation where they have a tremendous loss of income, or no income, for husbands are not obliged to pay maintenance forever. These women have no property in their names, no pension provision, no annuities and they suddenly have to work, while they have been out of the market for years. They have no skills and no experience.

They endure a serious downgrade in their lifestyle and they resent this. They feel that life has cheated them. They got a raw deal. They are angry at themselves for giving up doing their own thing when they got married or never having cultivated their own thing in the first place. The fantasy or expectancy of “catching a rich husband and becoming a not-having-to-workstayat-home-Mom” bombed out. Their resentment is quite clear in their attitude and relations towards men, yet they hope to land themselves a rich man to regain and maintain their previous lifestyle. They have to compete with younger divorcees but at least the older women’s children have left the nest.

The men are once bitten twice shy and they run rings around these women. They do not want to be caught in bitter divorce settlements with women who are after their money, for a second time. They are already supporting their ex-wives and paying maintenance for their children.

They do not want the financial burden of looking after another man’s children. So they date the women, but shy away from commitment. These women now find themselves in the very difficult position where they have to find employment and make provision for retirement. Some women are desperate enough to fall pregnant deliberately, especially if they have no income.

Some men may not regard themselves as affluent men or a catch, so they do not take precautions, but to a desperate woman,  who feels unsafe, any income he may earn is rich to her. If she cannot stand on her own two feet after a divorce, and start earning her own living, what makes him think she will support him and have his back, when things may go bad for him?

This is a bleak picture. Does love not enter the equasion anywhere? The upside is if there was no hope, why would there be so many people on dating sites seriously looking for partners? (Granted, some are just looking for sex.) People still want to be together and despite the odds, they are still hoping for love. Heroes do get second or even third chances of being someone else’s hero. Some people learn from their mistakes, some don’t. Some heroes still confuse “rescuing” with an heroic act. It is not.

Some seasoned older divorced heroes honestly believe they can date or marry very young women in their 20s.

As I told one of my middle-aged male friends: “Show me the queue of young nymphomaniacs lining up outside?

Let’s face it, you are no longer the pick of the litter either, and unless you have a six digit bank balance and looking for a real bimbo, rather settle for the woman who has also been around the block and who can appreciate you for the hero you are, warts and all.” He did and he is happily married today.

08Jan/17

Second Time Around – Baldies and Bimbo’s

When a man feels his libido slipping away, he may enter what is commonly called the “midlife crisis.” Besides buying himself the most expensive toys he can afford – or can’t afford – a compulsory item is the young nymph at his side.

When we investigate the relationship between a man in his late 50s and a young woman in her mid 20s, we may find benefits for both. The woman may be suffering from a narcissistic disorder. In this relationship she will be complimented on her beauty daily by her man. He will shower her with gifts and parade her in glittering finery.

He will pay for cosmetic surgery and treat her to vacations in Mauritius to acquire a tan, and to St Moritz to show it off. She will get all the attention Cinderella and all the other fairytale princesses ever hoped for. She will be the main attraction of the show.

He gets sex. And sex and sex. And perhaps the envy of a few other misguided heroes out there.

They would only socialise with his friends – he has the power and the money, so he calls the shots. Initially she will not mind, for she has no competition among the elderly matrons married to his friends. Imagine the dinner conversation when one of these wives turns to our Princess and says: “So how was school today, Dearest?” For what other topic would these mature women discuss with one who might be younger than their daughters?

Soon enough our precious Princess would no longer find it fun to socialise with his friends. She may pout and complain that they should be having fun with her friends. There is no hope in hell little Princess, that he would compete with the young Adonis’ of your peer group. He knows he would be the joke of the town, if he moves in her circles.

Now would this couple have children? She may fall pregnant, just to secure his undying devotion, but falling pregnant will affect her perfect physique and highlight that she may be getting older and then he may trade her in for the next 23 year old. Grandpas get very grumpy when screaming babies and smelly diapers spoil their access to Venus.

Does she enjoy the sex? Don’t fool yourself Jolly Roger regarding your perceived virility. Why would she prefer to have sex with a crinkle-skinned, potbellied, balding, tooth decayed or dentured, trembling old Nestor on Viagra, when she can have virile Achilles? The Princess is there because she feels safe – as long as her beauty outlasts him. If it does and he dies, he exits a happy man who had lots of sex right up to the end, and she gets the money.

As I said, it can be a mutually beneficial arrangement.

What is rather ridiculous is that the greying old man chasing the young girl who calls him uncle, honestly believes that she may be interested in him, as a virile man. Old men who believe having sex with a girl half his age will revitalise his libido, are as ridiculous and stupid as the myth that sleeping with a virgin will cure Aids. Most young women call them sleazy, slimy, dirty, yucky, goofy, nasty and smelly, like seven randy little dwarfs lusting after Snow White.

On the contrary, older men who may have a twinkle in the eye, but who behave with dignity, are charming and all women like talking to them because they find them distinguished, interesting, wise and they feel safe.

Generally, girls flock around the men whom they feel safe with.

Another complication of older men dating girls young enough to be their daughters is that mature women observe this behaviour and shy away from these immature men. It is not because the more mature women feels she cannot compete with the physical attractiveness of the younger female, it is rather because she is not inclined to waste her time with a male who is still fixated on physical youthful beauty and who has not yet discovered the richness of experience, maturity, sharing, friendship, comfortable camaraderie, humour and health in a relationship.

The seasoned Hero may be lucky and wise enough to attract a mature free spirit.

08Jan/17

Second Time Around – Mature free spirits

Mature free spirits

free spirits

Men often complain that all women just want to get married. This is simply not true. (It is as false as the statement that all men want sex all the time.) There are independent women – with adult children or without children – who are free spirits. Does it ever occur to men that there may be women out there who are not that eager to tie the knot either? Not because they resent or hate all men, but because they enjoy doing their own thing. They have established themselves in their own independent lives, with their own homes, friends, interests, financial status, etc. Independent does not mean bossy.

Because she values her independence, she can also respect his. Because she worked hard to earn her money, she understands the importance of his quest. These women would appreciate a life partner, lover, friend with benefits, travelling companion. They do not require the proverbial picket fence and would much rather pack their bags and go off on an adventure.

They may not view every relationship as necessarily aiming for the church aisle, but they do require maturity, which would solidify a relationship. They don’t need marriage, but they do want solid relationships. They are too mature for games. Loyalty, fidelity, honesty, tolerance, friendship, integrity, humour and extended gratification of needs are qualities of maturity.

These women like sex. I repeat: they like and enjoy sex, and by now, they are good at it, but they do not just sleep with men indiscriminately. They sleep with men whom they have feelings for and who have feelings for them. And if men are not mature enough to deal with those emotions, then they should move on and lose out. As I noted before, if a man cannot man-up to his emotions, then he cannot man-up to a mature woman’s bed. A person’s psyche is a circle comprised of three segments: the physical, emotional and cognitive. To deny one or fragment one, would imply that the circle is incomplete.

To integrate all three, indicates maturity, a wholeness. There may be battle scars, but despite the previous hurt or injuries, the person has managed to deal with them, and does not define him or herself as a victim. Mature women, who have integrated their sexuality, date mature men who have integrated their emotions. When a man owns-up and acknowledges his feelings, it is a sign of strength and maturity, not a weakness.

Having feelings does not by default imply that these women want to get married, but if they happen to get married, it is for totally different reasons, than when they donned the wedding dress in their youth. To these women, marriage may mean a union of two independent mature people, who enter a contract willingly. It can be a voluntary consenting attachment, not a compulsory dependency. It is not about expectations, it is about sharing.

Sharing time, sharing space, sharing confidences and vulnerabilities, sharing a bed, sharing adventures, sharing humour, with the added benefit that only experience can bring.

Blessed are the couples who weathered the storms and endured and who no longer seek the young love of Apollo’s dolphins playing in the frothy waves, but rather know a deeper love like the undercurrent of Poseidon’s ocean – a love with the power of a tsunami. The love of the seasoned Hero and the ageless Goddess. How’s that?

Sounds right to me.

romanborder

Fare thee well, Odysseus.

odysseus

27Dec/16

Read More: Maslow’S Theory On The Hierarchy Of Needs

Maslow’S Theory On The Hierarchy Of Needs

In his book, Motivation and Personality (1970 2nd edition Harper & Row) psychologist Maslow postulated that human behavior is motivated by a hierarchy of basic needs. Once lower needs are gratified, the organism – or human – will escalate to higher needs. A basic need will dominate behavior if it is thwarted or when the organism is deprived of it. Once the need is gratified, it releases its domination of the organism.

Physiological needs comprise the bottom tier of the hierarchy. These are our basic human needs, such as hunger, thirst, sleep, sex and warmth. If a need has been continuously satisfied in the past, we are better equipped to deal with its deprivation in future. If not, we may always subconsciously yearn for the gratification of that unfulfilled basic need.

The second tier of needs encompass those for safety, including such concepts such as security, stability, dependency, protection and freedom from fear as well as from anxiety and chaos, need for structure, order, law, limits, strength in the protector, etc. Maslow explains should these needs not be fulfilled “ the organism may equally well b wholly dominated by them… and we may then fairly describe the whole organism as asafety-seeking mechanism.”

Maslow identified the third tier as the need for belongingness and love. Losing touch with our roots, relocating often and changing schools, forced resettlement, war, etc will all impact on our sense of belonging. If we never experience receiving love, how can we be expected to give it?

The fourth tier comprises “esteem” needs. According to Maslow these are the desire for strength, achievement, adequacy, mastery and competence, confidence, status, glory dominance, recognition, dignity and appreciation. To men, money represents status and recognition in the eyes of other men.

The fifth and last tier, is the need for self-actualization. To Maslow, this represents a human being’s need to achieve his / her highest altruistic potential.

Characteristics Of Self-Actualized People

1 More Efficient Perception Of Reality And More Comfortable Relations With It:

They have an unusual ability to detect the spurious, the fake and the dishonest in a personality and in general to judge people correctly and efficiently. They do not cling to the familiar, nor is their quest for the truth a catastrophic need for certainty, safety, definiteness, and order. They can be, when the total objective situation calls for it, comfortably disorderly, sloppy, anarchic, chaotic, vague, doubtful, uncertain, indefinite, approximate, inexact or inaccurate.

2 Acceptance (Self, Others, Nature)

They tend to be good to animals, hearty in their appetites and enjoying themselves without regret or shame or apology. Closely related to their self-acceptance and to acceptance of others is 1) their lack of defensiveness, protective coloration, or pose and 2) their distaste for such artificialities in others. Cant, guile, hypocrisy, front, face, playing a game, trying to impress in conventional ways: these all are absent in themselves to an unusual degree.

3 Spontaneity, Simplicity And Naturalness

Their unconventionality is not superficial but essential and internal. It is their impulses, thought, consciousness that are so unusually unconventional, spontaneous and natural. Apparently recognizing that the world of people in which they live could not understand or accept this, and since they have no wish to hurt them or fight with them over every triviality, they will go through the ceremonies and rituals of convention with a good-humored shrug and with the best possible grace. When they consider something very important, it will be at such moments that their essential lack of conventionality appears, and not with the average Bohemian or authority-rebel, who makes great issues of trivial things and who will fight some unimportant regulation as if it were a world issue.

One consequence of this characteristic is that they have codes of ethics that are relatively autonomous and individual rather than conventional. The unthinking observer might sometimes believe them to be unethical, since they break down not only conventions but laws when the situation seems to demand it. Sometimes they let themselves go deliberately, out of momentary irritation with customary rigidity or with conventional blindness. They may for instance, be trying to teach someone or they may be trying to protect someone from hurt or injustice or they may sometimes find emotions bubbling up from within them that are so pleasant or even ecstatic that it seems sacrilegious to suppress them.

Their ease of penetration to reality, their closer approach to an animal-like or childlike acceptance and spontaneity imply a superior awareness of their own impulses, desires, opinions and subjective reactions in general.

4 Problem Centering

They are problem centered rather than ego centered. They generally are not problems for themselves and are generally not much concerned about themselves. Eg as contrasted with the ordinary introspectiveness that one finds in insecure people. These individuals customarily have missions in life, some task to fulfill, some problem outside themselves which enlists much of their energies.

They work within a framework of values that are broad and not petty, universal and not local, and in terms of a century rather than the moment. In a word, these people are all in one sense or another philosophers, however homely.

5 The Quality Of Detachment: The Need For Privacy

All of them can be solitary without harm to themselves and without discomfort. Furthermore it is true for almost all that they positively like solitude and privacy to a definitely greater degree than the average person.

They have an ability to concentrate to a degree not usual for ordinary men or women. Intense concentration produces as a by-product such phenomena as absent-mindedness, the ability to forget and to be oblivious of outer surroundings.

Another meaning of autonomy is self-decision, self-government, being an active, responsible, self-disciplined, deciding agent rather than a pawn or helplessly determined by others.

6 Autonomy: Independence of Culture And Environment: Will Active Agents

They are self contained. They have become strong enough to be independent of the good opinion of other people or even their affection.


7 Continued Freshness of Appreciation

They have a wonderful capacity to appreciate again and again freshly and naively the basic goods of life, with awe, pleasure, wonder and even ecstasy, however stale these experiences may have become to others. They derive ecstasy, inspiration, and strength from the basic experiences of life and none of them will get this same sort of reaction from going to a night club or getting a lot of money or having a good time at a party.

8 The Mystic Experience: The Peak Experience

Peakers seem also to live in the realm of Being, of poetry, esthetics, symbols, transcendence, spirituality, of the mystical, personal non-institutional sort.

9 Gemeinschaftsgefuhl

They have for human beings in general a deep feeling of identification, sympathy, and affection in spite of the occasional anger, impatience, or disgust. They have a genuine desire to help the human race.

Very few people actually understand them, however much they may like them. However far apart from other people they feel at times, they nevertheless feel a basic underlying kinship with these creatures whom they have to regard with, if not condescension, at least the knowledge that they can do many things better than others can, that they can see things others cannot see, that the truth is as clear to them as it is hidden to others.

10 Interpersonal Relations

They are capable of more fusion, greater love, more perfect identification, more obliteration of the ego boundaries than other people would consider possible. The other members of these relationships are likely to be healthier and closer to self-actualization than the average. There is high selectiveness here. Their circle of friends is rather small. Devotion is not a matter of a moment, but requires a good deal of time and dedication.

Their love of humankind does not lack discrimination. The fact is they can and do speak realistically and harshly of those who deserve it, especially of the hypocritical, the pretentious, the pompous or the self-inflated. Their hostile reactions to others are 1) deserved and 2) for the good of the person attacked or for someone else’s good.

Their admirers are apt to demand more than the self-actualized person is willing to give. These devotions can be rather embarrassing, distressing and even distasteful to the self-actualizing individual, since they often go beyond ordinary bounds. The usual picture is of them being kind and pleasant when forced into these relationships, but ordinarily trying to avoid them as gracefully as possible.

11 Democratic Character Structure

They can be and are friendly with anyone of suitable character regardless of class, education, political belief, race or colour. As a matter of fact it seems as if they are not even aware of these differences, which are for the average person so obvious and important.

They find it possible to learn from anybody who has something to teach them, no matter what other characteristics the other person may have. They have a humility of a certain type. These individuals, themselves elite, select for their friends elite, but it is an elite of character, capacity and talent, rather than of birth, race, blood, family, age, youth, fame or power.

They are more likely rather than less likely to counterattack against evil men and evil behaviour. They are far less ambivalent, confused or weak-willed about their own anger than average people are.

12 Discrimination Between Means And Ends: Between Good And Evil

These individuals are strongly ethical, they have definite moral standards, they do right and do not do wrong. Their notions of right and wrong and of good and evil are often not conventional ones.

They believe in God, but describe God more as a metaphysical concept as a personal figure.

13 Philosophical Unhostile Sense Of Humour

Characteristically what they consider humor is more closely allied to philosophy than anything else. They do not poke fun at other people’s expense.

14 Creativeness

Each one of them shows in one way or another a special kind of creativeness or originality or inventiveness that has certain peculiar characteristics. These individuals are less inhibited, less constricted, less bound, in a word, less enculturated.

15 Resistence To Enculturation; Transcendence Of A Particular Culture

They get along with the culture in various ways, but they resist enculturation in a profound and meaningful sense. Their yielding to convention is apt to be rather casual and perfunctory, with cutting corners in favour of directness, honesty, saving energy, etc. In a pinch, when yielding to conventions is too annoying or too expensive, the apparent conventionality reveals itself for the superficial thing it is and tossed of as easily as a cloak.

They are not against fighting, but are against ineffective fighting.

16 Dropping Of Defenses In Love Relationships

They have a tendency to more and more spontaneity, dropping of defenses, dropping of roles and of trying and striving in the relationship. As the relationship continues, there is a growing intimacy and honesty and self-expression, which at its height is a rare phenomenon.

“We can love a person only to the extent that we are not threatened by him; we can love only if his reaction to us or to those things which affect us, are understandable to us.” Sex and love can be and most certainly are perfectly fused with each other in these people. They can tolerate the absence of sex more easily and will easily give it up, because it came without love and affection.

However sex can be wholeheartedly enjoyed, far beyond the possibility of the average person, but at the same time it does not play any central role in their philosophy of life. The self-actualizing person can simultaneously enjoy sex so much more intensely than the average person, yet at the same time consider it so much less important in their total frame of reference.

They have an easy relationship with members of the opposite sex, along with the casual acceptance of the phenomenon of being attracted to other people, but at the same time these individuals do rather less about this attraction than other people. Their talk about sex is considerably more free and casual and unconventional than the average.

Healthier men are more attracted by intelligence, strength, competence in women than threatened by it, as is so often the case with the uncertain male. Self-actualizing women can incorporate their “male qualities” without sacrificing their femininity.

Their love relationships are characterized by fun, merriment, elation, feeling of well-being and gaiety. In spite of the fact that their love lives often reach great peaks of ecstasy, it is also easily compared to the games of children and puppies. They have the rare ability to be pleased rather than threatened by the partner’s triumphs. There is an absence of jealousy.

The self-actualizing person will not casually control or use another or disregard his/her wishes. He/she will allow the respected person a fundamental irreducible dignity, and will not unnecessarily humiliate him/her.

Self-actualizing men who tend really to respect and to like women as partners, as equals, as pals are apt to be much more easy and free and familiar and impolite in the traditional sense.

Self-actualizing people’s tendencies to detachment and to need identification and to profound interrelationships with another person can coexist within themselves. They have a healthy selfishness, a great self-respect, a disinclination to make sacrifices without good reason. It cannot be said of them that they need each other as ordinary lovers.

They have excellent taste in love and sexual partners. The close friends, husbands and wives of self-actualizing people make a far finer group of human beings than random sampling would indicate.

The people they fall in love with are soundly selected by either cognitive or connative criteria. That is they are intuitively, sexually, impulsively attracted to people who are right for them by cold, intellectual, clinical calculation.

Take me back

26Dec/16

Read More: Introverts and Extraverts

The psychologist, Carl Jung coined the terms Introvert and Extravert.When I ask people what is the difference between extroverts and introverts, they respond that introverts don’t like socializing. This is not the case. The difference is when there is a stimulus – something happens – the extrovert immediately reacts outwards, while the introvert internalizes the information, processes it and then responds to it. It is in the response to the stimuli where the difference lies, not in their social interaction per se.

Since they incorporate information – taking it in – introverts need time alone to process the information. This is why introverts need “space”. They like being on their own, thinking about things. When introverts withdraw, extraverts experience this as rejection. It is not rejection, it is merely processing time. Imagine a computer needs to process information. If we keep tapping the keyboard, it will either freeze or explode. Don’t tap the keyboard of the introvert when they need space. Leave them alone until they are ready to interact.

Extroverts want attention 24/7. They cannot stand being alone. They can’t understand that the introvert voluntarily wants to be alone. Extroverts are always looking for company and stimuli and if they don’t find it, they create it. Introverts avoid it.

Introverts are like cats. When they encounter a stranger for the first time, they ignore him. They may walk past a few times without acknowledging the stranger. They are not rude, haughty, shy or dumb. They are introverts. Don’t pick up the cat. The cat is getting used to your energy. If it likes you, it will make eye contact. Now you can stroke it gently. Don’t pick up the cat. One day the cat will jump on your lap and purr and be all over you. Now you can pick up the cat and play with it. It may even sleep with you. Introverts know it is rude not to at least greet strangers, but they would rather not. Not until they have sussed them out.

Extroverts are like dogs on a beach. They sniff each other’s backsides, wag their tails and off they go, friends for life. They are spontaneous. Introverts are reserved. Extroverts are busy, they talk and laugh and vibrate. Introverts contemplate, develop insight and cruise.

One introvert man said he could remember being so irritated by his first wife who always wanted to know what he thought about a movie the moment they left the cinema. If they understand each other, introverts and extroverts will realise neither is right or wrong, they are just different.

Introverts don’t like noise. Since they are processing information all the time, it is very noisy inside their heads. That is why they abhor additional noise. They cannot listen to you, the radio and the tv at the same time. They don’t like crowds or noisy places. Too much stimuli. Extroverts love noise. When they walk into a home they switch on the tv, the radio and they sing. Introverts run for the hills. Because introverts are usually very quiet at first, extroverts often ask them what is wrong. Nothing is wrong, they are thinking, that’s all.

Extroverts think when people are not talking, they are unhappy. So they keep asking the introvert

“What is wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“ What is wrong?”
“ NOTHING!”
“See I knew something is wrong.”

Stop jabbing the keyboard. Some introverts are shy, some are not. They just don’t have something meaningful to say at that point in time and they don’t like small talk. Extroverts can chatter away all day long.

When introverts enter a restaurant, they aim for the corners with their backs to the walls, where they can see the people, but stay out of sight. Extraverts aim for the middle of the restaurant and within five minutes they have made friends with the waiter, the patrons at the next table and the chef. Introverts just want to eat in peace. Don’t put an introvert on the spot by introducing them to everybody at once and expect them to please everybody. Give them time. Please.

If you invite an introvert to a function over the weekend, their first answer is “No”. Give them time to think about it and probably by Friday they will say yes and go, and have a good time. Up to a point. Once introverts have blended people’s energy, they can be very funny, witty and very sociable. They can be the life of a party, if they want to and if they feel comfortable with the people. However, too much stimuli tires them, so by 12 pm they want to go home. By 12 pm, however the extroverts’ batteries are fully charged and they want to stay longer, and longer and longer. Best go with two cars.

Extroverts can be warm and sociable, funny and bubbly. They move towards people when they feel insecure and they need affirmation. They act out. Introverts can also be warm, funny and sociable but they withdraw when they feel insecure. They can wallow in self-pity.

Extroverts can be gregarious, bigger than life, and they always seem to have so much fun. Some introverts feel intimidated by extroverts and they may feel there is something wrong with them because they are not like the extroverts. There is nothing wrong being an introvert. Half of the population are introverts. They just don’t make so much noise as the extroverts and that is why you don’t notice them. Look to the quiet corners – they are there, one-on-one solving the world’s serious problems. Or laughing quietly at the spectacles of the extroverts. Introverts have much fun too – mostly inside their heads.

Open plan offices do not work with introverts. Please allow them their cubicles or at least place them along the walls with high enough partitions to provide them privacy – if you want them to be productive. Place the extroverts in the middle, facing each other, where they thrive on open competition. If you place introverts in noisy open plan offices, they will resign or become disgruntled.

In a marriage, I advise the extrovert to turn the volume down a little and expect less, and the introvert to up the volume and give a little more. Allow the introvert the long lonely bike ride on a Saturday morning – the me-time – and they will accompany the extrovert to the noisy dinner party that night.

Introverts should be aware of the impact they have on others. Once the extrovert knows how to extend the introvert time to process, the introvert sometimes forgets to give feedback. So by Friday the poor extravert still doesn’t know if he is going to that party that he enquired about three days ago.

Friends may visit the introvert-extravert couple. Soon enough the introvert will excuse him/herself and pull a disappearing act. They either go to sleep or find something else to do, away from the people. They may wash the dishes in the kitchen, just to be able to take a mini me-time break. Understand this and accommodate it.

Another tip for the introvert is to smile more. At a function or social event if you smile, then the extroverts think you are happy and approve of them, so they won’t ask you what is wrong. Smile and continue your own private thoughts and just nod your head now and again. People may just benefit from your sharing those private thoughts – that is if the extrovert gives you a chance to talk.

My father compared introverts and extroverts to bombers and fighter pilots during the Second World War. The bombers fly in formation and cause devastation by their clusters of bombs dropped indiscriminately. The fighter pilots fly alone, often coming directly out of the sun when the enemy cannot see them and they are precise, deadly snipers. In the canteen, the bombers sit together in the middle of the room, the fighter pilots sit alone at the bar.

Both extroverts and introverts can work with people. Extroverts are people-people. Introverts are one-on-one people. Both may have empathy, but extroverts spontaneously express their feelings. Introverts may feel deeply, but they don’t share those feelings easily. Extroverts may be warm, but superficial. Introverts may seem cynical, but actually, they feel too much.

Cats and dogs can live in harmony together as long as they respect their differences.

01Jan/17

Read More: The Male Endocrine System

The hypothalamus, part of the limbic system of the brain, is the organ responsible for controlling our hormones. When required, the hypothalamus will send a signal to the glands to produce and release hormones. These hormones are injected into the bloodstream and have receptors all over the body where they dock in. They charge these cells, and change the constitution of that cell.The glands will send a message back to the hypothalamus once satiation stage is reached, and the hypothalamus, working like a thermostat, will turn off production. Hormones that return to the brain, can change the way we think – just imagine a man reading a book and a naked woman passes his line of vision. The rush of dopamine and testosterone will change his thinking. Powerful steroid hormones influence every function in the body, mostly growth in teenagers, metabolism, immune system, etc. It influences men’s moods, memory and behaviour.

What happens when Achilles, Aphrodite and a pack of Wild Dogs dance together in the man’s body?

Anabolic steroid: Testosterone / Achilles

Testosterone is the magic mojo juice a male runs on. I call testosterone the Achilles of hormones. Imagine Achilles on the verge of charging onto the battlefield; his muscles flexing as he swings his sword, his body tense and taunt, his attention focussed on the enemy. He exudes confidence and animal sex appeal. He is fighting fit, aggressive, ready to take enormous risks and on a winning streak. He feels invincible. This is what manhood is all about.

Testosterone causes major changes in Achilles’ organs: his bones become denser and his muscle leaner, it increases his haemoglobin to produce clotting agents in his blood to prevent bleeding of wounds. He breathes deeper and faster, promoting oxygen uptake in his blood. His eyes focus only on the enemy directly in front of him. His mood changes to aggression, a sexual predator, prone to sexual fantasies and he is motivated to challenge rivals. Achilles moves with confidence, talks with authority, seeks sex and challenges Hades himself.

Testosterone motivates a man to fight and to win. Imagine Achilles meeting Aphrodite / Dopamine in the nucleus accumbens – the thrill centre of the brain. Winning becomes so thrilling he becomes addicted to it. Even spectators watching their teams win experience an increase in testosterone.

This winning effect reaches beyond the arena of the sports fields, but also to the sales floor, the stock market and even the upper echelons of the business fraternity where multi-billion dollar deals are clinched.

Cambridge scientists found that when traders’ testosterone levels test high in the morning, they make more money on the stock exchange that day. When Brazil beat Italy in the World Cup Final 1994, the average testosterone levels of Brazilian fans increased by 28%, compared to the 27 decrease of the Italian men. A testosterone surge before a competition increases chances of winning and definitely promotes a winning streak. A surge of testosterone after a single victory can last a few months.

Too much…

However at some point the elevated testosterone levels override the rational neo-cortex. These men begin to believe themselves as invincible, omnipotent, and power giants. They believe they cannot only conquer the world but that they own the world. They sleep less, become more and more driven and their over-confidence pollutes their business relations and leading to disastrous leadership. Alan Greenspan referred to this phenomenon as “irrational exuberance”. Women are not prone to the condition as they do not produce the same levels of testosterone as men. In this case, men are more “hormonal” than women!

Too little…

When a testosterone empowered man enters a room, a subordinate male will experience a drop in testosterone and an increase in cortisol, the stress hormone. Cortisol affects the hippocampus, or memory centre as well as other prefrontal cortex functions. The subordinate male will fumble, stumble over his words, act awkwardly and probably have little memory of the social blunders he committed.

When men lose – or their team loses – their testosterone levels plummet. Achilles bites the dust. Man-down. A drop in testosterone causes irritable male syndrome, they become moody, withdrawn, depressed and miserable. They lack motivation, have low libido, lose interest in sex and in life in general. A remedy would be to get them active, doing things they are good at doing and exposing them to sunshine. Beer is not a good idea, since it contains oestrogen.

Men produce ten times more testosterone than women, but there is a little Achilles in every woman too. Testosterone in men is produced in the testes and adrenals. In women it is produced in the ovaries and adrenals. An enzyme called aromatase can affect testosterone, turning it into the female oestrogen. Fat cells contain aromatase, which is why obese men often grow breasts. This phenomenon is called gynaecomastia.

How fast …

The time span between the hypothalamus signalling the glands to produce testosterone and the actual effect of it, can take up to fifteen minutes or hours. By age 30 a man’s testosterone production begins to decline and he is more rational and cognitive about the risks he is willing to take, than when he was a teenager and his hormones ruled his brain.

How sexy …

All erotic stimuli – what we see, hear, smell, feel, taste or touch – are first recorded by the thalamus. This triggers a release of dopamine in the nucleus accumbens – the thrill centre. Enter Aphrodite … The hypothalamus sends the signal to release testosterone – enter Achilles. The man will require energy for this venture, so adrenaline is released as well – enter the cheetahs. However, if he is too stressed, – detection of wild dogs – blood will not flow to the male genitals – he needs to be relaxed and in the parasympathetic nervous system, to obtain an erection.

(In the sympathetic / stressed nervous system, blood is redirected to the muscles and limbs needed to fight – men do not fight battles with their erections.) To achieve ejaculation, he needs to switch back to the sympathetic nervous system. The cerebellum controls the muscles involved in the contractions, producing the orgasm and this reptile brain activity dampens the prefrontal and temporal higher brain functions, allowing more uninhibited behaviour. An orgasm will release the oxytocin hormone, causing bonding with his partner. Oxytocin releases opiates in the brain, suppressing pain. Sex is good for pain relief.


Catabolic steroid: Cortisol / Wild dogs

Cortisol is the pack of wild dogs released by the gonads. If not kept on leash, they will attack the body from the inside and devour it with ruthless fervour. Initially, when the pack of wild dogs raise their snouts, sniff the wind and jog at a checked steady pace, cortisol, in combination with dopamine, can increase arousal, focus attention and activate a man’s senses. It makes him feel alive and alert and full of anticipation.

Cortisol works in conjunction with adrenalin, but the cheetahs soon tire and then the cortisol pack of wild dogs have free range and cause havoc in the man’s body. It attacks his digestive system, causing gastric ulcers, stunts growth, and attacks his immune system. It can damage his heart. It raids energy stores, the liver, muscles and fat cells, fervently searching for glucose. It will attack his muscles and turn them into glucose and energy, to feed its wild frenzy. He becomes anxious, paranoid, his memory fails, he becomes over-emotional when his emotional amygdala overrides his rational neo-cortex, and he becomes practically physically and mentally exhausted. It literally causes the dendrites in the brain to shrivel up. Cortisol eats his muscles and his brain.

The lethal combination of cortisol, dopamine and adrenalin cause the conquering warrior effect, but we cannot attempt to conquer Olympus and not anger the gods, so inevitably there follows the spectacular crash and burn. The after effects of the cortisol pack of wild dogs, leave a battlefield scarred with mutilated, ruined men.

Dopamine / Aphrodite

Dopamine is the Aphrodite of the neurotransmitters. She is alluring, she will seduce him and excite him. Dopamine is the anticipation of pleasure and the rewards it promises, she motivates him to move towards that which he desires. She creates euphoria and he becomes addicted to the anticipation, the wanting, the desire, the craving, not necessarily the reward. Dopamine calls him to the hunt and to be excited by the novelty and unexpected pleasure that awaits him. As soon as he becomes used to the reward, the dopamine loses her allure and he becomes bored.

When there is an unexpected reward, the dopamine surge is greater. It is smaller when there is an expected reward. The reward can be anything from sex, securing a major deal, to scoring a goal in sport. Also when there is an expected disappointment, the dopamine drop is minimal. An unexpected disappointment will cause a major drop in dopamine in the thrill centres of the brain.

Too little dopamine leads to that awful feeling where he has nothing to look forward to. Without dopamine he experiences no pleasure, no motivation and he will stay static. A coach potato man, lying on his back all day watching television, growing fatter and becoming more and more miserable, is a typical example of man lacking dopamine and testosterone.

Aphrodite’s danger lies in her addictive powers. She can enslave him. Men can become addicted to winning, to sex, to power as they become addicted to drugs and alcohol.

Too much exposure to dopamine stimuli causes a depletion of dopamine. Too much of a good thing becomes boring. Nothing can excite these men anymore and they take bigger risks, but with less judgement, to experience the euphoria of winning. When that fails they may fall prey to designer drugs to relieve the boredom and create excitement.

Reckless risk taking leads to mistakes and downfall. This is when they trip over their own ego’s. Not every disgraced business tycoon exits on a blaze of glory, they crash and burn on a spectacular level. Achilles paid the price for hubris – he knew he was doomed, and displayed a fatalistic attitude to dangerous risk and died by the arrow of Apollo.

Take me back: Virile Heroes – Impotency

27Dec/16

Read More – Time Out

Time-Out is a life skill tool that any one of the parties can call during a heated argument and the other person has to adhere, for the sake of the relationship, personal dignity and self respect.

The procedure of Time-Out work as follows:

We call Time-Out when we reach that point in the argument where we are about to lose control, either by saying things we should not, or worse, where we may just resort to violence.

If any person calls Time-Out, then the parties retreat, each to a different safe haven. This can be to the bedroom, the garden outside, bathroom etc. Just get away from each other.

Now you can continue the argument on a virtual platform with the partner, venting all your anger and releasing all the dirty name calling burning inside your guts, in a room or space where no-one but yourself can hear it. At first we focus on the other person: “You are a lousy, low down snake.” “You are a manipulating bitch.” Carry on until you have nothing left to say. The aim of this part of the exercise is just to vent and rid yourself of the anger – which is a destructive emotion.

Then we shift gears and we express our feelings: “I am angry, I am hurting, I feel betrayed, I am disappointed, I feel lost, I feel trapped…” Cry if needs be. Bury your face in the pillow. Just let it out. The aim of this part of the exercise is to get in touch with your feelings and express them. Tell yourself what you are feeling. This helps you to ground yourself and to get a hold of yourself.

When all is out of your system, now investigate your own point of view re the argument. Are you really 100% right? Are there matters where you can concede or compromise? Remember no-one can hear you and argue with you at this point. Just consider that you may not be 100% right.

Now re-evaluate the partner’s point of view. Even if it does not make sense, see if you can at least repeat their point of view, just to make sure that you actually heard it. But do make an effort to find some truth or justification or make sense from it. You don’t have to agree with it, just try to figure it out and consider it.

Ask yourself if the issue that you are arguing about is going to be important in 6 months’ time?

Is there perhaps a hidden subtext underlying this issue, that is more important and that you are both ignoring.

If the issue will not be important in 6 months’ time, go out and make up, even if you were right and the other party was wrong. Your marriage is more important than being right.

If there is a subtext, at least acknowledge that there may be a bigger problem which may require professional help and in the mean time, call a truce.

Go out and find a more friendly and amicable way to call a truce. Is it really worth a few days’ sulking?

Apologies can always help. Even if you are not apologising for your behaviour or whatever the perception is that you did wrong, at least be sorry that you hurt the other person’s feelings. This is after all the person that you love and that you want to be with.

Time-Out should not exceed an hour. If you cannot calm down within an hour at least go out and tell the partner that you are still upset and that you would prefer to talk about it the following day. Then go to bed and sleep.

Time-Out can only be called when both parties have at least had a chance to say something. A person cannot say: “I am angry because you came home late” and before the other person can even explain or defend, you call Time-Out. Time-Out is not a tool to silence the other person. It is a tool to control your own anger.

Self control and self discipline are easy words to use when we are calm. It is in the heat of the moment when it requires almost super human effort to apply it. This is what makes us mature adults. We take responsibility to vent our anger without destruction.

Take me back to Action Heroes: Protectors And Warriors – A woman does not have to fight

04Jan/16

Author

FUTURE-TALK

Have you ever noticed in a brand new relationship how men are inclined to make future-talk?

“I can’t wait for you to meet my buddies, you will see,…”

“When we go on vacation together…”

“Next Christmas we will…”

“I can’t wait to take you in my Tiger Moth aeroplane…”

“I know about this rustic lodge I want to take you to see…”

“When we retire, we are going to open a guest house…”

“It would be great if we can synchronize our gym times in future …”

“Why don’t I just stock up your fridge with my favourite brand of beer, so I have a stock when I come to visit next time…”

“Come Summer, I will fix that broken fence for you…”

“Tell me which light fittings you prefer, you may be living here one day…”

Then, as they see more of each other and things get more intimate, he accuses her for having expectations and he leaves.

I will use the analogy of a man and a woman going grocery shopping to explain this topic. As they stroll along in the aisles, pushing the shopping cart, he takes a condiment from the shelf. “This is nice,” he says and places it in the cart. “This too,” he says and packs another item into the cart. “Let’s get this as well” he adds. So he fills the shopping cart to the brim with groceries they will be eating that night. His enthusiasm is contagious and she adds an item or two.

Eventually when they reach the check-out till and it is time for him to pay, he walks away leaving her with the stocked cart. She stands with a tear streaked face, holding a can of beans in her hand. “Remember when he picked this up and we fantasized about the baked beans breakfast,” she reminisces. “And this packet of spaghetti, he promised to teach me his grandmother’s recipe.”

Dear Woman, please do not regurgitate each “future-talk grocery item” he mentioned. Just leave the cart or push it over the hill and walk away. Don’t even try to pay the bill for someone else’s shopping cart. He is shopping with another woman already, anyway.

He did not verbalise a promise, but he infers a future together that he has no intention of honouring and then he still has the gall of accusing her of having expectations – who created those expectations?

I enquired from the men if they were aware that their future-talk created expectations, which they had no intention of keeping and the resounding answer was: “Yes, I did not do it intentionally to mislead her, but yes in all new relationships, I make future-talk.”

They explained that when they refer to future activities, at that moment they do actually foresee themselves with the girl, but as soon as she acts as if they are in a relationship, the men withdraw and feel trapped.

Perhaps men should take accountability for creating expectations, and perhaps women should take future-talk with a pinch of salt. His actions may prove more than his words.

Tell us what you think.