A new stepfather, who does not have children of his own, now suddenly has to cope with his new wife’s children. Often these children overrule and dominate their mother, due to her guilt feelings, or she lacks the discipline that their father used to implement. Also, divorced mothers often indulge their children because the children become the source of love to her, that her ex-husband used to provide. The new stepfather feels it is his duty asAlso, divorced mothers often indulge their children because the children become the source of love to her, that her ex-husband used to provide. The new stepfather feels it is his duty as man of the house to implement discipline and protect his wife. (After all, he fell in love with her, not her children.) More often than not, the mother puts her children first and secretly resents the new husband’s interference and disciplining her children. She experiences it as personal criticism. A toxic atmosphere gradually permeates the home.

More often than not, the mother puts her children first and secretly resents the new husband’s interference and disciplining her children. She experiences it as personal criticism. A toxic atmosphere gradually permeates the home.

I would advise boyfriends who visit girlfriends with children, not to interfere in the children’s discipline or lack there-of, especially if that boyfriend has no intention of permanently joining the domestic arrangement. It is a potential mine field he should rather avoid. If he interferes and disciplines the children, he is conveying an unspoken message to her that he is taking on the role of stepfather and that he has intentions of permanently joining the family. Decide if you are going to become the stepfather, or just remain the boyfriend, and explain this to the woman involved, so she does not develop expectancies, or resent your interference. Remember the children are her blind spot and she will interpret your discipline as personal criticism.

Decide if you are going to become the stepfather, or just remain the boyfriend, and explain this to the woman involved, so she does not develop expectancies, or resent your interference. Remember the children are her blind spot and she will interpret your discipline as personal criticism.

Some women also expect their boyfriends to regularly treat her children to lunches, movies and gifts, and vacations etc and she may resent him if he does not take out his cheque book readily. Some women expect the boyfriends to bring the children a little gift every time he takes her out, to compensate for the fact that the children are going to be without their mother’s company for a few hours. If he does spoil the children, to score brownie points with her, again she may interpret this as an intention to join the family. The best way to solve this uncomfortable situation is to COMMUNICATE. Tell her that you like buying the children gifts because you happen to like them as individuals and not because you intend becoming their stepfather. Or tell her you are dating her, not her children.

If he does spoil the children, to score brownie points with her, again she may interpret this as an intention to join the family. The best way to solve this uncomfortable situation is to COMMUNICATE. Tell her that you like buying the children gifts because you happen to like them as individuals and not because you intend becoming their stepfather. Or tell her you are dating her, not her children.

Many women state in no uncertain terms that if the man does not accept or entertain her children, then it’s a no-go. “I’m a package deal,” they declare on the first date. Hold your horses, lady, you are casting him in the role of a potential husband. In his mind, he is just dating you, spending time with you and getting to know you. Incorporating your children into his plans is a major responsibility he will only consider when he considers committing to you. Dating is not committing.

Women, more often than men, make the fatal mistake of discussing their love lives, romances and even their sex lives with their children. Many a Hero has had to red-face a teenager who knows the intimate details of his love-making skills (or lack thereof!)