Case Study

A man called me and asked my advice on how to save his marriage. From Monday to Friday afternoons he would stay in a small bachelor pad in a city close to his company’s head quarters. His wife and children stayed in another city in their mansion.

He would Skype his family every night. Friday afternoons he commuted home. H e arrived home exhausted and prefers retiring to bed early. He conceded that he was rather grumpy on a Friday night. Saturday mornings he slept late. Then he spent the rest of the day with the family. Saturday evening he took his wife to a fancy restaurant.

Sunday was a lazy day and they would take the children to a family restaurant or visit friends or family. Monday morning he returned to the other city. Once every two months he treated his wife and children to a game lodge long weekend. He also took them abroad every December on a ski vacation.

He said he only got sex during the lodge weekends or when he took her abroad. He felt his wife was only giving him sex when he spoilt her with a vacation. His wife drove a fancy car and she did not need to work. His wife was having an affair. He could not understand why. He felt he was really working very hard to provide for his family and to keep them in luxury.

I asked him if it would be fair to keep a dog locked up in the court yard and once every two months take it out for a long walk in the park. Dogs need to be walked every day, even just for ten minutes. Else they dig a hole under the fence and go visit the neighbour.

One night, when the husband was out of town, the home alarm went off. The neighbour came out and assisted and tended to the wife – who was dressed in her nightdress.

She made him coffee. He became someone she could talk to. If a woman cannot talk to a man, it does not take her long to find someone else she can talk to, and so on.

She enjoyed sex with her husband on the lodge weekends or vacations for those where the times when she felt connected to him, when she had his attention. She experienced it as a duty just to please his needs on weekends and that is why she resented it. He was not there during the week nights to lock the doors, check that the alarm was switched on, hold her and make her feel safe. His marriage did not last.

Both misunderstood the other. She felt he neglected her and he felt she was also not in tune with his quest. She was not prepared to support him and fulfil her part of the bargain by raising the kids, while he worked hard to provide a luxurious life style.

Marriage is a complicated commitment. It is not just white satin and confetti.