Don’t tell him, touch him. It’s an action he understands
Case example
A young woman was very much in love with a man. No matter how much she flirted with him, he just did not get it. I asked the other men for advice to help the young woman. What should a woman do to convey to a man that she likes him? They all unanimously responded: “Touch him.” Later the young woman brought her boyfriend so I could meet him. “Did you never realise she was flirting with you?” I asked. “No,” he replied. “I thought she was flirting with my friend. I could not believe a girl like her would be remotely interested in me.” “When did you realise it was you?” I asked. “She came up to me one day and placed her one little hand on my shoulder and held her other wrist under my nose and asked me to smell her new perfume. I melted and could literally feel my legs buckle.” He actually blushed when he told me.
Oxytocin is a neurotransmitter released by the brain and is commonly called the “cuddle hormone”. Women produce much more oxytocin than men, but interestingly enough, when men inhale oxytocin by nasal spray it improves their ability to interpret emotional and mental states of other people. Now women do not need to inject inhalers in men’s noses when they sleep to improve their emotional intelligence. The good news is that a good hug can cause an oxytocin release.
So does sex. A well known neuropsychologist reports that men need to be touched two or three times more frequently than women to maintain the same level of oxytocin. Oxytocin also happens to be a good antidote to the stress hormone cortisol. So if women want men to be more empathic to their emotions, then women should touch men more often. Nothing beats scratching his back … almost nothing.
Arguing with men is futile
Men are by nature an aggressive species. They have to be, how else would they protect us? As in days of yore, modern man’s daily life still consists of real and metaphorical battlefields. His neurological wiring has remained the same for millennia. The moment he encounters another human, he decides within 15 milliseconds if this is a friend or an enemy, based upon the other person’s tone of voice and facial expressions.
This is a pre-conscious neurological action. If he recognises an enemy his brain sends messages within 100 milliseconds to his torso, preparing his body for battle, before he is actually consciously aware of it. If you are an enemy, it’s game on!
When anybody, including a woman, engages on a hostile level with a man, his aggression escalates. As soon as men are challenged with aggression, then their own aggression becomes justified to them. Once swords are drawn on the battlefield, he automatically goes into warrior mode.
Pretty soon we have two people yelling at each other, or worse, physically attacking each other. In any case what makes us think that any person is going to be willing and inclined to give us what we want, when we yell at them? Just where is the logic in that? Men may also just retreat into their camp in an attempt to disengage from the fight, because fighting with a woman is anti-hero behaviour.
Think about it. Mostly we get angry at another person when that person does not want to do what we want him or her to do, or we get angry when someone else tells us to do something we don’t want to do. What makes us think that we have the right, power, authority or audacity to tell another adult what they must do?
We all have a right and responsibility to admonish someone not to break the law. We should all know the law. We all also have the right to state our individual boundaries of what we regard as acceptable or unacceptable behaviour. If someone else persists in non-compliance, and in abusing our boundaries, we can leave. Walk away. Do not share your time or space with someone who does not respect you, but do not assume it’s acceptable to expect another person, or your partner, to do everything exactly as you want them to.
(Unless you are paying them in an employment situation.) If everybody thought the same way you do, then the Creator would have created only one prototype and there would be billions of other cloned YOUS on earth and no diversity. People differ from each other. It’s not right or wrong. It is just different. If you can’t live with the difference, it’s acceptable to leave, but violence and force and manipulation are not conducive to a relationship.
Case example
A husband returned home at 2am, after a night out with the boys. He was expecting a confrontation. Men are not stupid. They know when they are in trouble. The wife, in bed, was clearly sleeping. (Note, she did not stay up and wait for him.) Instead of yelling at him when he stumbled into the bedroom, she greeted him normally – not with a smile, but definitely not with the icy voice. “Hi, I ‘m glad you’re home safe. Let’s go to sleep.” He attempted to make an excuse or defend himself, because he was expecting the fight.
She just repeated: “It’s late, let’s go to sleep.” Gratefully he fell asleep. He woke up the next morning, with a hell of a hangover. He knew he was going to get it then. Instead he got a cup of coffee and two headache tablets. She was dressed and she looked pretty and she smelled good. He noticed. He smelled like stale rum, cigarette smoke and sweat. He noticed that too. It felt like a flock of dirty sheep were grazing on his teeth. “I’m meeting Lucy for breakfast,” she said with a minty breath, and off she went. He slept it off. He took a shower. She returned home with a beautiful bunch of flowers. He knew it would be pointless to buy her the I-am-sorry-flowers later.
She had already bought them. She was in a cheerful mood. But her friendly mood was unrelated to him. This puzzled him. He initiated small talk. She responded normally. He realised she was not going to scold him about the previous night. They were not going to talk about it. He was SO relieved. She turned her back on him so he could not see the smile on her face. He told her he was going out to get pizzas.
While he was away he reminded himself what a low down excuse of a husband he is and that he is lucky to have the best wife in the world. He returned with the pizza’s, his favourite flavour of course, but maybe he remembered she liked pineapple. She forgave him without him having to grovel for it. Believe me, no woman, no matter what insults or foul language she uses, can make a man feel such an anti-hero and so bad about himself, than he himself can.
So if he has done something bad, afford him the opportunity to reprimand himself. He will do a much better job at it and appreciate the woman much more for not doing it. Do not for one moment assume that he thinks he got away with it, or that she condoned his behaviour. He knows what he did wrong and a hero will strive to be the better man, for the woman he loves. If he perpetuates his bad behaviour, it’s time to call it quits. Continuous bad behaviour means he does not want to be there anymore. Let him go.