Heroes in Love – Different definitions of relationships

Different definitions of relationships

A one-night-stand is not a relationship, so I am not discussing it here.

Do all men want sex? Yes. Do all men want just sex or sex all the time? No. Is his first attraction to a woman physical? Usually yes. However, a sexual interest does not guarantee an emotional interest. Sometimes a man’s sexual interest can last three months, but his feelings are lagging behind. Initially when men date women they do not have long term plans. He dates her because he would like to sleep with her and perhaps get to know her better. He likes being in her company and it makes him feel good. He does not even know if she will graduate to become the girlfriend, never mind ever becoming the wife. He just likes being with her, now. She smells nice and she smiles. The complication is that many women only date potential husbands. They don’t waste time with guys who don’t make the grade. Men can have a good time with women who don’t make the grade and they have a completely different tick list when it comes to choosing a wife or a life partner. Sex might attract a man, but it does not necessarily keep him. One man said: “It is easy to get a girl in your bed, it is more difficult to kick her out of your bed.” Men usually regard this as a “friends with benefits” arrangement. Very few women can handle “no strings attached” relations.

Although he may not be ready for marriage, he may still be looking for a relationship, for the present, or he is just looking for a good time. Remember the right girl at the right time and at the right place in a man’s life, principle.


Case Example

A 28 year old man told me: “I have been seeing this girl for some time now.” “What does that mean? Define seeing her?” I asked. “I spend time with her, we hang out, we go places,” he said. “ Do you see her every weekend?” “Yes,” he agreed. “Do you see someone else as well?” I asked. “No I don’t, just her.” “Oh. Are you sleeping with her?” I enquired. “Yes, “ he smiled. “How long have you been seeing her?” I asked. “A couple of months,” he answered. “In her mind then, the two of you are in a relationship.” “Nope,” he shook his head, “I am just seeing her.” I can see all the men turning their hands up and asking “What?” And all the women rolling their eyes and shaking their heads


To a woman spending time together exclusively and sleeping together equates a relationship. It is not a marriage proposal, but it is a relationship. To a man, it is not. It is only a relationship when he asks her to be his girlfriend and she says yes.

I remind many women that a man is not entitled to boyfriend privileges if he has not formally asked her to be his girlfriend. Men are inclined to take advantage of this situation where she assumes a one-on-one relationship and keeps herself unavailable to others, and he still hunts in many forests.

A relationship implies expectations

I asked the men what the difference is between expectations and a challenge. Expectations means he has to work much harder to please her and he has to give up doing things he likes doing and he loses the things that currently make him happy, without gaining anything. Expectations are detrimental to his current status quo. A challenge implies there is an anticipation of a reward. Winning her over is going to enrich his life, or make his life easier. Expectations also activate his current insecurities. If he thinks he would not be able to live up to what she expects from him, he will avoid her. He would rather stay away than disappoint her. Even if that is disappointing to her. If he can’t see her disappointment then it will eventually go away – remember the Tupperware-syndrome!

Too serious, too soon

Because men are not in touch with their feelings and they are still just seeing her, they get a big fright when she labels it a relationship or expresses her feelings, especially when she uses the “love” word. By three months of exclusively seeing each other, spending time together and sleeping with each other, she feels she can tell him she loves him. He is hardly getting to know her. When a woman jumps the gun and tells a man she loves him first, she is forcing him to face his feelings (to pop open those Tupperware containers), and he often runs, because it is too soon, or she is depriving him of the opportunity to make the big “love” declaration and she is spoiling his big surprise and the chance of making her happy and being the Hero.

One man said: “The moment she says that she loves me, it’s not fun anymore, it becomes work.” “Once it is called a relationship, you have to attend family functions with her.” “Why does a woman have to be “in” something? Why can’t she just be “with” someone? Let it be,” said another.