Stop telling them what to do
Women talk, men do. Many women, unfortunately, have this astounding idea that they can and should tell men what to do. Men are men. They are strong warriors and they know what to do. They resent it when a woman tells them what to do. Several things happen when a woman tells a man to do something. Firstly she is communicating to him that she is trying to control his life. When we try to control someone, it is a vote of no confidence in their own capabilities.
He is the hero – he is in charge of his life. Secondly, telling is a descending communication. It is a command. The woman is not the man’s commander. Trust him. Don’t tell him. One man told me: “Women talk to men as if they are boys. If I don’t know how to do something, I will figure it out.” Or he will read the manual while on the toilet.
Case example
A woman was dating a father of a baby daughter. She told him over the phone: “Leave the baby with your Mom for the night and drive over to my place. I never see you.” He did not. He did not even answer his phone for the rest of the weekend. (I can already see all the men nodding their heads.) She was telling him what to do, giving him instructions. And she was criticising him. And she was being demanding.
And she was trying to control him. If she had said: “I am missing you and would like to see you. Is it possible for your Mom to babysit and can you visit me? It would make me happy,” he would have made a plan.
Communicating a need does not imply using that TONE OF VOICE and ordering him about.
Case example
It was early evening. The wife was busy tending to the baby. “You make dinner,” she said to the husband who had just arrived home. She did not ask nicely, but he just nodded and proceeded to take the meat from the fridge. “You have to defrost it first and then cook it …” she continued. He prepared the food silently and went to bed early. Don’t ask a man to do something and then tell him how to do it.
Don’t help a man. He is an action hero. He can do it himself
Some women do not tell men what to do, but they do help men. Women are by nature very helpful creatures.
For example when a woman in a queue at a check-out counter, tells the woman behind her, she forgot an item and dashes off to fetch it, the one behind will push the absent woman’s trolley for her. Generally, men won’t push another man’s trolley. To women it is sociable to help. To men it is a sign of weakness. Never help a man. Unless he asks, which he seldom will, and then don’t make a fuss about it. A woman should not offer to help a man paint the chairs.
She can ask if she can join him. He may ask her to help him change the tyre and to pass him the thingamajig. She should not tell him how her Dad had taught her to change the tyre and that he is doing it all wrong. If he is struggling to unlock the front door, she should not take the key out of his hand, not even if he is a bit tipsy. Does she just have to stand there and wait patiently until he gets it right? Yes, and then she smiles and thanks him. I did not say it is fair.
One man explained it as follows: “Core to a woman’s essence is her appearance. Therefore a man should not tell her to go on a diet because she is fat. Core to a man’s essence is his competence. Therefore a woman should not tell him to get a professional, because he is useless at fixing things. If she goes on a diet of her own accord, then he can support her, and if he gets a professional of his own accord, then she can thank him.”
Case example
The woman arrives home with a car full of groceries. He comes out and asks or tells her he will carry the grocery bags in for her. Naturally she picks up a few bags…Don’t touch the bags! She is conveying the message to him that he is not strong enough to do this simple task for her. The same goes for luggage. She can enter the house and start unpacking the groceries.
She can also pop open a can of beer for him when he’s done. (All the men agreed unanimously on this one.) What does she do when one of those bags tear and the tin cans roll down the driveway? She looks the other way and pretends she did not see. Anyway, she is supposed to be in the kitchen unpacking the groceries, not in the driveway. She can laugh with him about it later, but only when he already has the beer in his hand.