Feelings vs physical attraction

Generally speaking men are quite capable of having casual sexual relations without experiencing any deeper feelings. As one man said: “It helps if you like each other.” Womens’ default mode though, is to get emotionally involved with the men they have sex with. A man may have an intense sexual attraction for a girl, then sleep with her and only then may he fall in love with her. It works the other way around with a woman. Normally she will fall in love with him first, and then sleep with him.

“Why must a girl’s feelings get involved?” asked one man. “Would you prefer sleeping with a girl who has no feelings for you at all?” I asked, “then pay a prostitute, or have a life of consecutive one-night stands. Like a perpetual teenager.” No one can remote control and fast forward this man to grow up, but he cannot expect a mature woman to be interested in him either. Women have standards. Maybe he will grow into one of those sleazy dirty old men, who pant after young girls. Yuk.

The problem is not that a woman’s feelings get involved. The problem arises when she cannot control those feelings. Then she gets jealous and possessive and needy, and her smell changes, remember. Then he runs. With his pants around his ankles, if he has to.

Mature women are quite capable of owning their feelings. It does not necessarily imply that they have all kinds of expectations just because they have feelings. Some women are quite capable of a more relaxed, sex-can-also-be-fun stance. They have lovers. One at a time, for a longer time. They are not demanding permanency, but they do require exclusivity. It’s just plain good manners and it has health benefits. Two adult independent people who have a loving relationship and enjoying sex.

A complication also often arises when the man is attracted to the woman and he sleeps with her and then he realises he is in love with her. He retreats because he feels catnipped and out of control. She feels cheated, because she knows he has feelings – women are much better at recognising feelings than men, even men’s feelings – but he denies the emotional side, because he cannot afford being in a relationship, for some or other reason in his life – the Tupperware-syndrome again.

He did not use her just for sex. He is confused. He needs time out to contemplate what is inside that Tupperware container. But by the time he figures it out she may have moved on when he finally catches on he actually had feelings for her, or worse she waits patiently and he figures out his feelings are not enough, or she is the right girl at the wrong time.

Just as women should learn to control their feelings, so we can expect men to control their sexual urges. Fair deal? I agree that an over-sexed man whose pants are about to burst is as annoying to a woman as a woman brimming with emotions, is irritating to a man. People are wary of any dam on the brink of breaking. Hysteria rising is not conducive to any relationship. Surely we can find a compromise somewhere. Many men do actually seek the comfort, emotional growth, back-up trust and friendship of a relationship and many women actually like passionate lovemaking. Surprised?

Despite all the stereotypical jokes that men think about sex every 30 seconds, etc, they do respect women who hold them at bay. Men respect women with standards. There is a difference between a woman with morals who withholds sex initially, and a woman who blames men for wanting sex. Women with standards need not necessarily be prudes, but they are not crude either. Women who value themselves expect exclusivity. After all, would he like to sleep with a woman who sleeps with many different men at the same time?

When a woman gets the idea that a man just wants to use her body for sex, and that he has no consideration for the fact that she is a person, with a brain, a personality, likes, dislikes, interests etc, she feels like a whore. He denigrates her to being an object. At least sex-workers get paid and they know what they are selling. (I have counselled many sex-workers in my practice.)

One man asked why women cannot just regard sex as just another physical activity – like kicking a ball together (!) Here is a little hint: the physical act of sex involves a woman’s body being penetrated by the anatomy of another person. It is intrusive and very intimate and very personal.

A woman needs to trust the person she allows inside her body. How would this man feel if a virtual stranger whom he has just met or hardly knows, penetrates his body just for fun? It’s not just kicking a ball together.

Why would my wife not sleep with me?

Because you may be smelly, drunk or a lazy bum and she is too tired when she goes to bed. Or she is angry with you, because you did something to upset her and you never gave her the chance to tell you about it. If women cannot open their mouths, they are unlikely to open their legs. Or you are boring in bed. Those are usually the women’s reasons.

Or she is sleeping with someone else because he is paying attention to her. One man observed: “Women are attracted to rich powerful men, because she does not have to fret about a broken washing machine.” Point to consider next time it’s just too much effort to help her with the chores.

Why would the man not sleep with the woman?

He is getting older and having some impotency problems – which can be attended to by a urologist. He is sleeping with someone else. He thinks she is sleeping with someone else. He thinks she is smelly and drunk or too fat. He does not trust her. He is bored. She cut her hair and wears Capri pants. He is stressed, which would affect his libido – he is also just too tired. Point to consider next time she complains he does not work hard enough to buy a new washing machine.