Don’t kick the bunny
Remember when I said no-one kicks the bunny? Remember when I said men hate to be the anti-hero? Men tend to stay with women, not because they like her or want to be with her, but rather because leaving her would imply kicking the bunny. And that makes him feel like the anti-hero. So he is trapped in a no-win situation.
He yearns for his freedom on the one hand, but he weighs this up against being the anti-hero. Being the anti-hero is worse than staying in a bad relationship. So he stays. Often he convinces himself it’s not so bad. Often he just shuts up. He feels guilty if he disagrees with her. One man told me he stays in his 30-year unhappy marriage for if he divorces, his children and friends would find out about his affairs and that would make him an anti-hero.
Men often start behaving badly, hoping she will break up with him. Now he mistreats her, acting like an anti-hero.
Then he feels guilty about his despicable behaviour and he does something nice to relieve his guilt feelings – not due to any feelings he has for her. It’s about HIM feeling better about himself, not about making HER feel better.
She, unfortunately, sees this act of goodwill as hope for the relationship, so she desperately clings on. He tries to break up, she cries, he takes her back. Not because he wants her, but because he hates being the anti-hero who kicked the bunny. And she sleeps with him.
In effect, this woman is keeping the man attached to her by manipulative emotional blackmail and sex. We can try to fence a dog in, but the moment we give him a gap, he will make a run for it. If he does not stay on the veranda willingly without a fence, he does not want to be there. Does a woman not rather want a man to stay with her willingly, because he wants to be there, because he adores her, rather than he stays because she manipulates him? So the man begins behaving badly, hoping the woman will kick him out. Remember men don’t talk, they do. They seldom say: “I want to break up.” They behave badly, so the women will say the words. Kick him out ladies, he is begging for it.
To the men staying on in such relationships, due to some misguided sense of obligation or guilt, I ask: “Would you want a woman to stay with you if she does not want to be there? Would you want to be one of those guys who keep women tied to them by threats and fear? Of course not. So why do you allow her to keep you tied to her by manipulation?” Go.