All posts by Mickadmn


Protectors and Warriors – Stop telling them what to do

Stop telling them what to do

Women talk, men do. Many women, unfortunately, have this astounding idea that they can and should tell men what to do. Men are men. They are strong warriors and they know what to do. They resent it when a woman tells them what to do. Several things happen when a woman tells a man to do something. Firstly she is communicating to him that she is trying to control his life. When we try to control someone, it is a vote of no confidence in their own capabilities.

He is the hero – he is in charge of his life. Secondly, telling is a descending communication. It is a  command. The woman is not the man’s commander. Trust him. Don’t tell him. One man told me: “Women talk to men as if they are boys. If I don’t know how to do something, I will figure it out.” Or he will read the manual while on the toilet.



Case example

A woman was dating a father of a baby daughter. She told him over the phone: “Leave the baby with your Mom for the night and drive over to my place. I never see you.” He did not. He did not even answer his phone for the rest of the weekend. (I can already see all the men nodding their heads.) She was telling him what to do, giving him instructions. And she was criticising him. And she was being demanding.

And she was trying to control him. If she had said: “I am missing you and would like to see you. Is it possible for your Mom to babysit and can you visit me? It would make me happy,” he would have made a plan.



Communicating a need does not imply using that TONE OF VOICE and ordering him about.



Case example

It was early evening. The wife was busy tending to the baby. “You make dinner,” she said to the husband who had just arrived home. She did not ask nicely, but he just nodded and proceeded to take the meat from the fridge. “You have to defrost it first and then cook it …” she continued. He prepared the food silently and went to bed early. Don’t ask a man to do something and then tell him how to do it.


Don’t help a man. He is an action hero. He can do it himself

Some women do not tell men what to do, but they do help men. Women are by nature very helpful creatures.

For example when a woman in a queue at a check-out counter, tells the woman behind her, she forgot an item and dashes off to fetch it, the one behind will push the absent woman’s trolley for her. Generally, men won’t push another man’s trolley. To women it is sociable to help. To men it is a sign of weakness. Never help a man. Unless he asks, which he seldom will, and then don’t make a fuss about it. A woman should not offer to help a man paint the chairs.

She can ask if she can join him. He may ask her to help him change the tyre and to pass him the thingamajig. She should not tell him how her Dad had taught her to change the tyre and that he is doing it all wrong. If he is struggling to unlock the front door, she should not take the key out of his hand, not even if he is a bit tipsy. Does she just have to stand there and wait patiently until he gets it right? Yes, and then she smiles and thanks him. I did not say it is fair.

One man explained it as follows: “Core to a woman’s essence is her appearance. Therefore a man should not tell her to go on a diet because she is fat. Core to a man’s essence is his competence. Therefore a woman should not tell him to get a professional, because he is useless at fixing things. If she goes on a diet of her own accord, then he can support her, and if he gets a professional of his own accord, then she can thank him.”



Case example

The woman arrives home with a car full of groceries. He comes out and asks or tells her he will carry the grocery bags in for her. Naturally she picks up a few bags…Don’t touch the bags! She is conveying the message to him that he is not strong enough to do this simple task for her. The same goes for luggage. She can enter the house and start unpacking the groceries.

She can also pop open a can of beer for him when he’s done. (All the men agreed unanimously on this one.) What does she do when one of those bags tear and the tin cans roll down the driveway? She looks the other way and pretends she did not see. Anyway, she is supposed to be in the kitchen unpacking the groceries, not in the driveway. She can laugh with him about it later, but only when he already has the beer in his hand.



Protectors And Warriors – Needs vs. Needy

Needs vs. Needy

A man wants a woman to communicate her needs to him. How else would he be able to fulfill her needs, if he does not know what she wants? He can’t read her mind, so she has to tell him. However it often happens, once she communicates her needs, he calls her “needy”.

So I ask the men, what is the difference between a woman communicating her needs and a needy woman? A man wants a woman to need him, but he does not want her to be helpless and her needs must not distract him too much from his quest and require his full-time attention.

It’s fine for her to communicate her needs, but it depends how she does it and if she is persistent, she is needy. Timing is very important too – if it interferes with something else he would rather do, she is needy. If she shows appreciation, he is likely to continue fulfilling her needs, if she criticises, she is needy.

One man explained: “Like women, men need me-time too. When she clings to you like a heart-lung machine, she is needy. When I speak to another woman and she suddenly grabs my arm, interrupts and kisses my face, it is embarrassing and she is very needy.” One man gave me a very clear and precise answer – the difference between having needs and being needy is: “Nagging.”

Regarding timing, one man commented: “If she tells me she needs it done immediately and I drop whatever I planned doing, to do it for her, and I later discover it was not that urgent at all, then next time she requires me to do something urgently, I will disregard her ideas of how and when things need to be done. If she tells me why she needs it, I can determine how urgent it is.”



Case example

A man liked a certain woman, but dreaded visiting her, because he knew that would entail them sitting on the couch and talking. He was an introvert and shy and the thought of having nothing to say to her caused him much anxiety. Eventually he plucked up the courage and rang her doorbell. It was out of order. He called her and she opened the door. “Bring me a screwdriver,” he said, “so I can fix this doorbell.”

She did. “Since I am busy fixing this, do you have anything else that needs repairing?” he asked. She did. He spent the whole afternoon adjusting the geysers, changing light bulbs, fixing hair dryers, backwashing the pool pump and all the other bothersome little odd jobs.

She brought him coffee while he was working and they chatted. She also thanked him every time for repairing and adjusting everything and she smiled a lot. He later told me he had never had such a great time getting to know a girl. He was the action man, DOING stuff for her, and she was appreciative, TELLING him how great he is. Perfect.

If he feels needed and he can do something for her, which she cannot do on her own, then he feels good about himself as a man.

One man also explained: “If what she requires of me involves a heroic deed, I will do it, but I am also not just her puppy at her beck and call just because she wants me to hang around. Then she is needy. I have stuff to do.” Warriors have dragons to fight.



pantheonRead More About: Introverts and Extroverts


Protectors and Warriors – Men don’t talk. They do

Men don’t talk they do.

Men don’t talk. They do

When we buy a doll for a girl, we buy her a Barbie doll. When we buy a ‘’doll’’ for a boy, we buy him an action hero – a Superman. The word “action” is very important. I often advise women not to pay too much attention to what a man says, for he may often promise her the world, and he may even believe it at that moment, but what is more important, are his sustained actions. Men are action orientated.

Men express themselves mainly through their actions. If he loves a woman, he will solve her problems, he will gratify her needs and wishes, he will buy her things, he will fix her life, and he will work hard to provide for her. He will set out to make her happy.

Despite them being action orientated, when I ask men what is the most important element of a relationship, they do not unanimously answer: “Sex”. They do unanimously answer: “Communication.” Now this is interesting.

Does this mean the doers want to talk? Sometimes they do want to talk, especially if they trust a woman. And then the woman perpetually interrupts him, or she does not listen to him.


When a woman listens to a man when he tells her something, without interrupting him, he gets the message that he is important to her and that she is paying attention. If she interrupts, he feels unimportant. Sometimes it’s a good idea not to respond immediately.

He could rather think about what he said and come back a few days later with a suggestion or a response, instead of offering him immediate advice. To a man, immediate advice sounds as if she is disagreeing with him. “I have been thinking about what you discussed with me yesterday.

I wondered if … what do you think?” Just by adjusting her mode of communication, she circumvents sounding as
if she is criticising. Of course, she is entitled to a different opinion, as long as it does not make him sound stupid.

“Sometimes a good communicator is a person who just knows when to shut up,” said one man. Another man said: “It takes much courage for a man to open himself up. Don’t later use what he told you against him as a vicious backlash.”

Truly listening to someone does not imply merely keeping quiet when someone else is talking. It encompasses a cognitive effort to interpret the essence of the message the other person is communicating, seeing the message from that person’s perspective, attempting to understand that person’s underlying emotions and motivations, foreseeing how that person will act on the message and only once these cognitive actions have been completed can the listener then consider what is his/her response, emotions and the probable impact that the response will have on the other person. Listening is a complicated cognitive ACTION, not just a passive waiting for a breather to jump in.



Case Study

A woman asked her husband why he doesn’t invite me as a motivational speaker at his company.

He answered: “We have already booked a speaker for this term.” “But you can always change it. I think it is a good idea to ask her,” she continued.

She repeated herself three times. Clearly, she did not hear him. He said No, three times.

She was embarrassing him by insisting. Also, she was telling him what to do at his place of work. (Then she wondered why he slammed the car door!) Some women tend to think if they just keep on repeating themselves, they may actually convince the men of their good idea.

Or she thinks if he does not immediately agree with her, he did not hear her in the first place. He heard her. He said No. Did she hear him?



Heroes – Forward

Heroes cover - A psychological insight into men’s perception on relationships

A psychological insight into men’s perception on relationships

Micki Pistorius

Author’s note: Whenever I testify as an expert witness psychologist in court, I always make a point of declaring: I am not here to condemn or condone the behaviour, but to explain the behaviour. The same principle applies to this book. I am not saying what men do is fair from a woman’s point of view. I am telling it as it is, as the men have related it to me.

Men and women think differently. Not only do men think differently about relationships than women, they think differently than women think men think. Think about that. I am also not writing this book to teach women how to catch men. If a woman tries to catch a man, she has already lost him. If women want to adapt their behaviour and get in touch with their own femininity, which may just happen to appeal to the heroes out there, then so be it. If women prefer to be pugnacious and hell-bent on cutting men down to size, it is their choice. Men don’t find it very appealing. If men read this book and feel the need to up their game and man-up: good, because the human race needs heroes.

Dedicated to Virtus.

© 2016 Micki Pistorius All Rights Reserved


Heroes Index


Action Heroes

Protectors And Warriors

Generous Heroes

Heroes On Their Quests
Heroes in Love
Virile Heroes

Rogues, Villains And Vixens

Pathological Relationships
Heroes Getting Hitched

The Anti-Hero

Break-Up And Divorce

The Seasoned Hero

Second Time Around





Have you ever noticed in a brand new relationship how men are inclined to make future-talk?

“I can’t wait for you to meet my buddies, you will see,…”

“When we go on vacation together…”

“Next Christmas we will…”

“I can’t wait to take you in my Tiger Moth aeroplane…”

“I know about this rustic lodge I want to take you to see…”

“When we retire, we are going to open a guest house…”

“It would be great if we can synchronize our gym times in future …”

“Why don’t I just stock up your fridge with my favourite brand of beer, so I have a stock when I come to visit next time…”

“Come Summer, I will fix that broken fence for you…”

“Tell me which light fittings you prefer, you may be living here one day…”

Then, as they see more of each other and things get more intimate, he accuses her for having expectations and he leaves.

I will use the analogy of a man and a woman going grocery shopping to explain this topic. As they stroll along in the aisles, pushing the shopping cart, he takes a condiment from the shelf. “This is nice,” he says and places it in the cart. “This too,” he says and packs another item into the cart. “Let’s get this as well” he adds. So he fills the shopping cart to the brim with groceries they will be eating that night. His enthusiasm is contagious and she adds an item or two.

Eventually when they reach the check-out till and it is time for him to pay, he walks away leaving her with the stocked cart. She stands with a tear streaked face, holding a can of beans in her hand. “Remember when he picked this up and we fantasized about the baked beans breakfast,” she reminisces. “And this packet of spaghetti, he promised to teach me his grandmother’s recipe.”

Dear Woman, please do not regurgitate each “future-talk grocery item” he mentioned. Just leave the cart or push it over the hill and walk away. Don’t even try to pay the bill for someone else’s shopping cart. He is shopping with another woman already, anyway.

He did not verbalise a promise, but he infers a future together that he has no intention of honouring and then he still has the gall of accusing her of having expectations – who created those expectations?

I enquired from the men if they were aware that their future-talk created expectations, which they had no intention of keeping and the resounding answer was: “Yes, I did not do it intentionally to mislead her, but yes in all new relationships, I make future-talk.”

They explained that when they refer to future activities, at that moment they do actually foresee themselves with the girl, but as soon as she acts as if they are in a relationship, the men withdraw and feel trapped.

Perhaps men should take accountability for creating expectations, and perhaps women should take future-talk with a pinch of salt. His actions may prove more than his words.

Tell us what you think.