Some women can be very, very bossy. Sometimes I wonder if some of them are born that way

Never ask “Why”

Another fatal mistake women make when communicating with men is to ask “why.” To a man “why” translates to: “You don’t know what you are doing, you incompetent stupid fool.” All men, without exception agree on this one.

I asked the men what would be an acceptable rephrase of “why” and the following suggestions came up: “This is interesting. How come…” or “I don’t understand how …” or “You have probably thought about this, but maybe it’s a good idea to …” Do not say: “Can you explain to me…” because that sounds like his mother or teacher. If the woman approaches the issue in one of these alternative ways and he just stares at her, it means he heard her and he thinks her suggestion is a bloody good idea. Does she really expect him to verbalise that it’s a good idea? For Pete’s sake, he is a man. Then he goes off and he does it the way she suggested. Then she should not tell him: “I told you so.” She should just tell him how great he is and that he is her hero. And mean it. He knows.

The typical vote of no confidence

Speaking about cars. This is a potentially disastrous area. Women are prone to tell a man how he should drive! A man is a strong capable warrior in charge of a heavy dangerous, complicated, expensive machine and he has her life in his trust.

And then she tells him what to do? The woman should not doubt his ability to handle this machine. She should rather sit back, relax and look out of the window if looking ahead makes her nervous. If he gets lost, so what. Don’t say anything. He knows.

What is more important? Her relationship with this man or the first 15 minutes of a movie that she may be missing? Men usually only start driving recklessly when women complain about their driving. It’s a knee-jerk reaction. Maybe she can pre-empt the situation with a comment like: “I get nervous in a car, but I know you will take it gently and look after me.” Anyway guys, you are supposed to protect her, so man-up and make her feel safe, rather than driving like a jerk to scare her. The pay-off of feeling like a hero by keeping her safe, is much greater than feeling like an ass who tried to show-off. (Tip to the men: Driving recklessly may impress other males, but it only scares a woman and if you scare her, she sure as hell is not going to sleep with you! Get it?)

Men are exceptionally sensitive to criticism and often experience even seemingly innocent comments as a vote of no confidence. And yes, it has to do with their egos. I have no problem with men’s egos. They need egos, they are warriors. They defend us. Without egos they are not men. If a woman can’t deal with a man’s ego, she  should date a woman. I do also agree that some egos are vastly inflated, but we will discuss that later.

When he can’t fix it

A man wants to tend to a woman’s problems. Fixing a problem is a heroic action. However, when he cannot fix the problem for some reason, he has one of two reactions. He will either attack her or ignore her.

A colleague of mine explained men are empathic on a cognitive level, as opposed to women who are empathic on an emotional level. Men need to separate themselves from the emotional content in order to make objective decisions to solve the problem.

On an intellectual level they understand the emotion, but they cannot allow themselves to be submerged in the emotion, for then they would not be able to take rational action. Men are action orientated, remember.

Sometimes he does try to hug her and just hold her and then she pushes him away. He is trying. Acknowledge it.

There are times however, guys, when women really need you to step up. When your wife calls you in tears because she just had a car accident, it is not the time to attack her, or ignore her. Bite your tongue.

If a woman criticises everything a man does and if she does everything herself, he feels useless and inadequate. It is a recipe for disaster. Unfortunately it originates in childhood with mothers doing everything for their sons, and continuously criticising their boys. Fathers usually get upset when mothers do too much for the boys, for it is in a man’s nature TO BE ACTIVE and to figure it out for himself. Praising him for figuring it out will boost his self-esteem.

Doing it for him or criticising him conveys the message that he is incompetent. How would he be able to fix adult problems and fight dragons if he is not taught to figure it out for himself as a young boy. Denying him this natural growth opportunity and being over-protective is actually psychological castration.

At about the age of 6, boys need to identify with a father figure and get involved in male activities, without a mother hovering around trying to protect them from the father figure. (This was the age when young boys were taken away from their Spartan mothers and turned into warriors.)

I have encountered many grown men who have terrible adult relationships with their mothers, because they resent the mothers’ smothering them as children. As adult men they often punish their mothers in various ways, usually by avoiding them and cutting them out of their adult lives, in an attempt to get even for childhood wounds incurred.

This act in itself makes them feel as anti-heroes, which exacerbates the situation. They often also have exaggerated over-reactions when any woman engages in a nurturing action that reminds them of their mothers – even just packing them a lunch box or reminding them to take their vitamins.

Telling him to take his vitamins, is acting like his mother. Just leaving vitamins out for him to take, without verbally reminding him, is supportive and showing you care about his health.

Helping and supporting has a different meaning to men and women

One man explained: “Men do not want to be seen as failures. Being unemployed is a major failure. If she can just assure him that she is there, that she will not leave him and that he is not alone in that mess, then she is supportive.”

Men want to resolve women’s problems. When she tells him about something, he feels obliged to fix it for her. He wants to be the hero and help her. For example, she tells him about some problem she had at work with a co-worker. He interrupts and wants to know what the outcome was. He needs to determine how he can fix it. Often he is surprised that she has already fixed it. “Then why tell me about it?” he asks. Because she wants to TELL you about it. Women talk, get it! A man will never tell another man: “I had a flat tyre today and I changed it.” A woman will.

One of my clients has the following agreement with his wife. When she wants to tell him about something he asks: “Is this an issue you want me to do something about, or can I just sit and scratch my butt while listening?” So determine if it is a problem or just a butt scratcher. If it is only a butt scratcher, the man just needs to sit and listen and make the appropriate noises. “And what are the appropriate noises?” ask the men. Just say: “And what did you say… and what did she say… and what did you say…” and pay attention to her. You would want her to pay attention to you when you tell her something.

Stop telling them what to do

Women talk, men do. Many women, unfortunately, have this astounding idea that they can and should tell men what to do. Men are men. They are strong warriors and they know what to do. They resent it when a woman tells them what to do. Several things happen when a woman tells a man to do something. Firstly she is communicating to him that she is trying to control his life. When we try to control someone, it is a vote of no confidence in their own capabilities.

He is the hero – he is in charge of his life. Secondly, telling is a descending communication. It is a  command. The woman is not the man’s commander. Trust him. Don’t tell him. One man told me: “Women talk to men as if they are boys. If I don’t know how to do something, I will figure it out.” Or he will read the manual while on the toilet.

Communicating a need does not imply using that TONE OF VOICE and ordering him about.

Don’t help a man. He is an action hero. He can do it himself

Some women do not tell men what to do, but they do help men. Women are by nature very helpful creatures.

For example when a woman in a queue at a check-out counter, tells the woman behind her, she forgot an item and dashes off to fetch it, the one behind will push the absent woman’s trolley for her. Generally, men won’t push another man’s trolley. To women it is sociable to help. To men it is a sign of weakness. Never help a man. Unless he asks, which he seldom will, and then don’t make a fuss about it. A woman should not offer to help a man paint the chairs.

She can ask if she can join him. He may ask her to help him change the tyre and to pass him the thingamajig. She should not tell him how her Dad had taught her to change the tyre and that he is doing it all wrong. If he is struggling to unlock the front door, she should not take the key out of his hand, not even if he is a bit tipsy. Does she just have to stand there and wait patiently until he gets it right? Yes, and then she smiles and thanks him. I did not say it is fair.

One man explained it as follows: “Core to a woman’s essence is her appearance. Therefore a man should not tell her to go on a diet because she is fat. Core to a man’s essence is his competence. Therefore a woman should not tell him to get a professional, because he is useless at fixing things. If she goes on a diet of her own accord, then he can support her, and if he gets a professional of his own accord, then she can thank him.”

Needs vs. Needy

A man wants a woman to communicate her needs to him. How else would he be able to fulfill her needs, if he does not know what she wants? He can’t read her mind, so she has to tell him. However it often happens, once she communicates her needs, he calls her “needy”.

So I ask the men, what is the difference between a woman communicating her needs and a needy woman? A man wants a woman to need him, but he does not want her to be helpless and her needs must not distract him too much from his quest and require his full-time attention.

It’s fine for her to communicate her needs, but it depends how she does it and if she is persistent, she is needy. Timing is very important too – if it interferes with something else he would rather do, she is needy. If she shows appreciation, he is likely to continue fulfilling her needs, if she criticises, she is needy.

One man explained: “Like women, men need me-time too. When she clings to you like a heart-lung machine, she is needy. When I speak to another woman and she suddenly grabs my arm, interrupts and kisses my face, it is embarrassing and she is very needy.” One man gave me a very clear and precise answer – the difference between having needs and being needy is: “Nagging.”

Regarding timing, one man commented: “If she tells me she needs it done immediately and I drop whatever I planned doing, to do it for her, and I later discover it was not that urgent at all, then next time she requires me to do something urgently, I will disregard her ideas of how and when things need to be done. If she tells me why she needs it, I can determine how urgent it is.”

Read More About: Introverts and Extroverts

Men don’t talk. They do

When we buy a doll for a girl, we buy her a Barbie doll. When we buy a ‘’doll’’ for a boy, we buy him an action hero – a Superman. The word “action” is very important. I often advise women not to pay too much attention to what a man says, for he may often promise her the world, and he may even believe it at that moment, but what is more important, are his sustained actions. Men are action orientated.

Men express themselves mainly through their actions. If he loves a woman, he will solve her problems, he will gratify her needs and wishes, he will buy her things, he will fix her life, and he will work hard to provide for her. He will set out to make her happy.

Despite them being action orientated, when I ask men what is the most important element of a relationship, they do not unanimously answer: “Sex”. They do unanimously answer: “Communication.” Now this is interesting.

Does this mean the doers want to talk? Sometimes they do want to talk, especially if they trust a woman. And then the woman perpetually interrupts him, or she does not listen to him.

Listen

When a woman listens to a man when he tells her something, without interrupting him, he gets the message that he is important to her and that she is paying attention. If she interrupts, he feels unimportant. Sometimes it’s a good idea not to respond immediately.

He could rather think about what he said and come back a few days later with a suggestion or a response, instead of offering him immediate advice. To a man, immediate advice sounds as if she is disagreeing with him. “I have been thinking about what you discussed with me yesterday.

I wondered if … what do you think?” Just by adjusting her mode of communication, she circumvents sounding as
if she is criticising. Of course, she is entitled to a different opinion, as long as it does not make him sound stupid.

“Sometimes a good communicator is a person who just knows when to shut up,” said one man. Another man said: “It takes much courage for a man to open himself up. Don’t later use what he told you against him as a vicious backlash.”

Truly listening to someone does not imply merely keeping quiet when someone else is talking. It encompasses a cognitive effort to interpret the essence of the message the other person is communicating, seeing the message from that person’s perspective, attempting to understand that person’s underlying emotions and motivations, foreseeing how that person will act on the message and only once these cognitive actions have been completed can the listener then consider what is his/her response, emotions and the probable impact that the response will have on the other person. Listening is a complicated cognitive ACTION, not just a passive waiting for a breather to jump in.