Mature free spirits

Men often complain that all women just want to get married. This is simply not true. (It is as false as the statement that all men want sex all the time.) There are independent women – with adult children or without children – who are free spirits. Does it ever occur to men that there may be women out there who are not that eager to tie the knot either? Not because they resent or hate all men, but because they enjoy doing their own thing. They have established themselves in their own independent lives, with their own homes, friends, interests, financial status, etc. Independent does not mean bossy.

Because she values her independence, she can also respect his. Because she worked hard to earn her money, she understands the importance of his quest. These women would appreciate a life partner, lover, friend with benefits, travelling companion. They do not require the proverbial picket fence and would much rather pack their bags and go off on an adventure.

They may not view every relationship as necessarily aiming for the church aisle, but they do require maturity, which would solidify a relationship. They don’t need marriage, but they do want solid relationships. They are too mature for games. Loyalty, fidelity, honesty, tolerance, friendship, integrity, humour and extended gratification of needs are qualities of maturity.

These women like sex. I repeat: they like and enjoy sex, and by now, they are good at it, but they do not just sleep with men indiscriminately. They sleep with men whom they have feelings for and who have feelings for them. And if men are not mature enough to deal with those emotions, then they should move on and lose out. As I noted before, if a man cannot man-up to his emotions, then he cannot man-up to a mature woman’s bed. A person’s psyche is a circle comprised of three segments: the physical, emotional and cognitive. To deny one or fragment one, would imply that the circle is incomplete.

To integrate all three, indicates maturity, a wholeness. There may be battle scars, but despite the previous hurt or injuries, the person has managed to deal with them, and does not define him or herself as a victim. Mature women, who have integrated their sexuality, date mature men who have integrated their emotions. When a man owns-up and acknowledges his feelings, it is a sign of strength and maturity, not a weakness.

Having feelings does not by default imply that these women want to get married, but if they happen to get married, it is for totally different reasons, than when they donned the wedding dress in their youth. To these women, marriage may mean a union of two independent mature people, who enter a contract willingly. It can be a voluntary consenting attachment, not a compulsory dependency. It is not about expectations, it is about sharing.

Sharing time, sharing space, sharing confidences and vulnerabilities, sharing a bed, sharing adventures, sharing humour, with the added benefit that only experience can bring.

Blessed are the couples who weathered the storms and endured and who no longer seek the young love of Apollo’s dolphins playing in the frothy waves, but rather know a deeper love like the undercurrent of Poseidon’s ocean – a love with the power of a tsunami. The love of the seasoned Hero and the ageless Goddess. How’s that?

Sounds right to me.

Fare thee well, Odysseus.

When a man feels his libido slipping away, he may enter what is commonly called the “midlife crisis.” Besides buying himself the most expensive toys he can afford – or can’t afford – a compulsory item is the young nymph at his side.

When we investigate the relationship between a man in his late 50s and a young woman in her mid 20s, we may find benefits for both. The woman may be suffering from a narcissistic disorder. In this relationship she will be complimented on her beauty daily by her man. He will shower her with gifts and parade her in glittering finery.

He will pay for cosmetic surgery and treat her to vacations in Mauritius to acquire a tan, and to St Moritz to show it off. She will get all the attention Cinderella and all the other fairytale princesses ever hoped for. She will be the main attraction of the show.

He gets sex. And sex and sex. And perhaps the envy of a few other misguided heroes out there.

They would only socialise with his friends – he has the power and the money, so he calls the shots. Initially she will not mind, for she has no competition among the elderly matrons married to his friends. Imagine the dinner conversation when one of these wives turns to our Princess and says: “So how was school today, Dearest?” For what other topic would these mature women discuss with one who might be younger than their daughters?

Soon enough our precious Princess would no longer find it fun to socialise with his friends. She may pout and complain that they should be having fun with her friends. There is no hope in hell little Princess, that he would compete with the young Adonis’ of your peer group. He knows he would be the joke of the town, if he moves in her circles.

Now would this couple have children? She may fall pregnant, just to secure his undying devotion, but falling pregnant will affect her perfect physique and highlight that she may be getting older and then he may trade her in for the next 23 year old. Grandpas get very grumpy when screaming babies and smelly diapers spoil their access to Venus.

Does she enjoy the sex? Don’t fool yourself Jolly Roger regarding your perceived virility. Why would she prefer to have sex with a crinkle-skinned, potbellied, balding, tooth decayed or dentured, trembling old Nestor on Viagra, when she can have virile Achilles? The Princess is there because she feels safe – as long as her beauty outlasts him. If it does and he dies, he exits a happy man who had lots of sex right up to the end, and she gets the money.

As I said, it can be a mutually beneficial arrangement.

What is rather ridiculous is that the greying old man chasing the young girl who calls him uncle, honestly believes that she may be interested in him, as a virile man. Old men who believe having sex with a girl half his age will revitalise his libido, are as ridiculous and stupid as the myth that sleeping with a virgin will cure Aids. Most young women call them sleazy, slimy, dirty, yucky, goofy, nasty and smelly, like seven randy little dwarfs lusting after Snow White.

On the contrary, older men who may have a twinkle in the eye, but who behave with dignity, are charming and all women like talking to them because they find them distinguished, interesting, wise and they feel safe.

Generally, girls flock around the men whom they feel safe with.

Another complication of older men dating girls young enough to be their daughters is that mature women observe this behaviour and shy away from these immature men. It is not because the more mature women feels she cannot compete with the physical attractiveness of the younger female, it is rather because she is not inclined to waste her time with a male who is still fixated on physical youthful beauty and who has not yet discovered the richness of experience, maturity, sharing, friendship, comfortable camaraderie, humour and health in a relationship.

The seasoned Hero may be lucky and wise enough to attract a mature free spirit.

 The recovered divorced man has several new partnership options, more than the recovered divorced woman.He can date younger never-been-married-before women, divorced women with or without children, or widows.

Divorced women can usually only date divorced men or widowers. Some women find younger-never-been-married men, but mostly they do not. Toyboys are expensive.

Who are his options?

Some divorced parents are seriously only looking for a partner to help them raise their children. Custody of children are often granted to mothers. Many young divorcees in their 30s struggling to get by on insufficient maintenance, or single mothers, are desperately trying to catch a wealthy divorced man, to pay for their children’s tuition and secure their future.

The easiest way to catch such a man of course is by falling pregnant. It is quite shocking how many women still catch a man by falling pregnant and how many men still fall for this. When I warn the men of this possibility, they give me that double-take look, which means they never considered that it could happen to them.

Some women in their 40s and 50s find themselves in a predicament where their husbands left them for younger women, or just walked out because they had had enough. Some of these women walked out because they had had enough. Whatever the reason, they suddenly find themselves in a situation where they have a tremendous loss of income, or no income, for husbands are not obliged to pay maintenance forever. These women have no property in their names, no pension provision, no annuities and they suddenly have to work, while they have been out of the market for years. They have no skills and no experience.

They endure a serious downgrade in their lifestyle and they resent this. They feel that life has cheated them. They got a raw deal. They are angry at themselves for giving up doing their own thing when they got married or never having cultivated their own thing in the first place. The fantasy or expectancy of “catching a rich husband and becoming a not-having-to-workstayat-home-Mom” bombed out. Their resentment is quite clear in their attitude and relations towards men, yet they hope to land themselves a rich man to regain and maintain their previous lifestyle. They have to compete with younger divorcees but at least the older women’s children have left the nest.

The men are once bitten twice shy and they run rings around these women. They do not want to be caught in bitter divorce settlements with women who are after their money, for a second time. They are already supporting their ex-wives and paying maintenance for their children.

They do not want the financial burden of looking after another man’s children. So they date the women, but shy away from commitment. These women now find themselves in the very difficult position where they have to find employment and make provision for retirement. Some women are desperate enough to fall pregnant deliberately, especially if they have no income.

Some men may not regard themselves as affluent men or a catch, so they do not take precautions, but to a desperate woman,  who feels unsafe, any income he may earn is rich to her. If she cannot stand on her own two feet after a divorce, and start earning her own living, what makes him think she will support him and have his back, when things may go bad for him?

This is a bleak picture. Does love not enter the equasion anywhere? The upside is if there was no hope, why would there be so many people on dating sites seriously looking for partners? (Granted, some are just looking for sex.) People still want to be together and despite the odds, they are still hoping for love. Heroes do get second or even third chances of being someone else’s hero. Some people learn from their mistakes, some don’t. Some heroes still confuse “rescuing” with an heroic act. It is not.

Some seasoned older divorced heroes honestly believe they can date or marry very young women in their 20s.

As I told one of my middle-aged male friends: “Show me the queue of young nymphomaniacs lining up outside?

Let’s face it, you are no longer the pick of the litter either, and unless you have a six digit bank balance and looking for a real bimbo, rather settle for the woman who has also been around the block and who can appreciate you for the hero you are, warts and all.” He did and he is happily married today.