Category Archives: Heroes – Mobile Book

04Dec/16

Protectors And Warriors – A woman does not have to fight

A woman does not have to fight or manipulate a man to do what she wants him to do

When men hear the above case example, they all have one unanimous response. He did not do anything wrong by going out on the boys’ night. He made the mistake of not informing her and not calling her when it grew late. By the way, why does she want him to call her when he is out late at night or travelling? Men tend to think it is because she does not trust him – that he may be with another woman. Please! I know of men who call their wives, with their girlfriends lying right next to them. No, it’s not about not trusting them. Wives want their men to call them, so she knows he is still alive. Men tend to think that they are invincible. They are warriors and their skin is made of armour.

They are strong and they can look after themselves and they get irritated if women tell them to drive safely. A wife asks him to call her, not because she does not believe him to be the strong hero, she does. Rather, she asks him to call because if heaven forbid he should die, her whole world collapses. If he dies, she is unprotected. She has no hero to protect her or to provide for her. She wants to know that he is alive, because it makes her feel safe. Feeling safe is the most basic need a woman has. So be the hero and just make the call. Just make contact.

A woman’s tongue is like a dagger

Although no woman can berate a man to the same extent he can do it to himself, men also agree that the weapon a man fears most is not a dagger or a gun. It is a woman’s tongue. With her tongue she can castrate in the same sentence. At some point when a man and woman are yelling at each other, he tells her: “Enough.” This is the point where if she were a man, he would have hit her, but he can’t because she is a woman. Her words are coming at him like daggers and he is going to do something drastic to defend himself. Most men either hit the door or they leave. Then the women follow them, calling them cowards for leaving. Some men have described this as feeling as if they are being verbally violated or castrated by the woman, but they can’t tell anyone about it. Or she clings to his legs and begs him not to go.

One man said: “Men do hear all the bad words. It is not necessary for her to repeat them in many different ways. When a man says “Enough, I heard you,” then STOP. He will go off and consider and analyse where he went wrong. Just STOP and give him the chance to retreat.”

I have explained how men’s bodies prepare for battle within split seconds. Physiologically during a heated argument, his heart rate increases, his blood pressure rises, rushing blood to the muscle groups required for fighting and the arterioles in the skin constrict, which will reduce bleeding if he is wounded. His breathing accelerates, providing the oxygen he needs for the increased rush of blood. He starts to sweat to cool his body down in preparation for the fight. This is generally referred to as the fight-or-flight or sympathetic nervous system. These bodily adaptations require fuel. Fuel is produced by the brain alerting the adrenal glands to release adrenalin. Adrenalin produces glucose, which is the fuel required.

The neo-cortex is the part of the brain that evolved last in humans. It is responsible for choices, planning, philosophical reasoning, analytical thinking and considering long-term consequences of actions. The physiological activity of preparing the body for a fight burns the glucose, but during prolonged periods of the body under this pressure, the glucose fuel can run dry. Unfortunately the neo-cortex, which houses self-control, also runs on glucose.

Both extreme physical and mental activity can deplete the glucose reserves. This is usually when men cry ENOUGH! They know they are on the verge of losing that self-control. (Please note that this physiological explanation is by no or any means an excuse or endorsement for a man to hit a woman and any attempt to interpret it that way, will be considered malicious misinterpretation of text.)

Heated arguments

Men and women differ greatly in their expectations of each other during heated arguments. Men try to avoid verbal conflict and arguments, because words are unfamiliar weapons to them. At some point during the argument, the woman leaves, goes into the bedroom and slams the door. The man is oblivious to the fact that the woman expects him to follow her into the room. So she sits there seething and pre-navigating the next chapter of the argument in her head. The moment he walks through that door, she is just going to tell him… and he does not come through the door.

Actually, he is sitting on the veranda and probably lit a fire. Fire is good for men, it has a calming effect on them. And he happened to notice the soccer score in the newspaper, which he is now reading. Men compartmentalise. Since the danger and threat of the angry woman is not currently there, he can relax. Between battles, men’s bodies are relieved and cool down. (That’s why we have breaks during boxing, rugby, soccer and other sporting events.) Would he for one instant consider following her into that room? You have got to be kidding. He knows what is in that room and he wants to avoid it. He actually thinks she is cooling down in that room. Meanwhile… she is seething and the pressure is reaching boiling point. She tried crying louder, but men avoid crying women.

Eventually, unfortunately, this is also the point where some women lose the plot and threaten to harm or kill themselves in order to elicit sympathy or attention from the men. Men have a complete opposite reaction. They will assist her, take her to the hospital and get her emergency care (note: they take action, they do not express empathy) and thereafter they will try and hot heel it out of that relationship as soon as they can. Threatening or attempting suicide does not draw men closer. It repels them. I repeat: threatening or attempting suicide does not evoke feelings of empathy or love in a man. Quite the opposite.

When a woman exits a fight scene she expects the man to come after her. When a man exits a fight, he expects the woman to let him go. Do not cling to his legs or follow him, or throw objects at him.

Would it not be more productive and better for both, if women just never engage in aggressive fights with men? What is the point? There are better, more conducive and more mature ways of communicating her needs, displeasure and even her anger and hurt. There are ways to actually talk to a man, where he listens and attends to her needs.

Remember, basically, men want to be the heroes and fix the women’s problems.

pantheonRead more: TIME OUT

04Dec/16

Protectors And Warriors – “NOTHING”

“NOTHING”

Men reluctantly agree, that sometimes, they are the actual source of the woman’s problem. Although usually they are the handsome, sexy, clever, strong heroes, occasionally they can be the pain in the butt or the source of her pain. They also agree that when this happens, they would like her to tell them about it. I explain to the men that when she tells him about something he did that made her unhappy, men usually experience this as a dagger to the gut and then they have one of two reactions.

They either say: “You are being over sensitive.” Or they say: “Yes, but you also …” In both cases they are attacking the woman and excusing or defending their own behaviour. What follows is the woman retreats into silence. The next time he sees that sullen face and he asks: “What’s wrong?” he gets the icy: “Nothing.” Men hate the icy note, sullen mouth, and the screwed-up eyes face. Yet, if he does not afford the woman the opportunity to communicate to him what he did to make her unhappy, without interrupting her, he is conditioning her into that sullen face.

The next time a man hears “Nothing!” from a woman, he should ask himself how he responded the previous time she tried to tell him what was upsetting her.

Tone of voice

Anyone who has watched a movie like 300, depicting the battle of Thermopylae in 480BC when the Spartan king Leonidas faced the might of King Xerxes and the Persian empire, will develop a sense of the din of a raging battle. The man’s body is geared-up in the highest fight-or-flight mode. Now in this mode, a part of the brain stem – the primitive reptile brain – secretes a neuro-modulator called noradrenalin, which peaks his aroused senses.

This enables him to hear sounds in the finest detail and raises his signal-to-noise ratio. The more noise, the higher the aggression, the less he is able to argue reasonably. His pupils dilate and he is focused only on annihilating the opponent in front of him, one after the other, like a machine. Remember, his higher brain functions such as logical reasoning are temporary out of action. Would you try to reason with Leonidas in the heat of the battle? Knowing this about the functioning of a warrior, is it conducive to yell and scream at him in order to try to convince him of something?

So when I ask the men: “ How would you want her to communicate to you that you did something that made her unhappy?” they all unanimously agree: “It’s in the tone of voice.” One of the biggest complaints men have about women is TONE OF VOICE.

Remember when I explained a man decides within split seconds pre-consciously whether he is encountering an ally or an enemy? We hear faster than we see. Hearing is 25 per cent more acute than seeing. Men are especially sensitive to tone of voice, more than to content. They are also sensitive to criticism, which they perceive as verbal daggers, which will throw them into the flight-or-fight state. Men are apt not to flee, they fight.

Now the good news is if the woman is calm and engages her own parasympathetic or relaxed state, she activates her vagus nerve, which among other functions such as slowing down her breathing, will also actually lower her tone of voice. Our brains are reported to receive millions of bits of information per second from our senses, of which only 0.5 bits per second actually reaches our consciousness. The rest remain pre-conscious. So when the man perceives her calmness through his senses, he is pre-programmed to calm down and to actually stay focused and pay attention to what she is saying.

If she sits next to him, touches him and says gently: “I did not like the way you spoke to me at dinner. Please do not do it again. I do not speak to you that way.” Short and sweet. No need to repeat it, or analyse it. He heard her. Maybe he will apologise there and then, probably not, but he may make her coffee later and make some silly joke just to see her smile.

If he engages in some excuse or defends his actions, she should just smile and say: “I get your point. I know you don’t want to hurt me deliberately. Thanks for being my hero.” Now come on, can any man argue with that? Try it. It works. Much better than throwing a hissy fit and remember a gentle touch releases the oxytocin, which improves his emotional understanding of the situation.

I know women are asking: “But why should I be nice to him if he was horrible to me?” Just explain to me how reciprocating nastiness is going to resolve the problem? Or will it only exacerbate the situation? Which option offers a win-win benefit in the long run?

How would she prefer him to react when she tells him what is bothering her? She would not want him to interrupt her, defend or justify himself, change the subject or accuse her. If he could just keep quiet and let her finish talking, even if what she says may sound unfair. If she is talking in THAT TONE OF VOICE, he may say: “I really want to hear what I have done to upset you, but please can you tell me in a kinder way, it would help me understand.”

Then she tells him and he listens. When she is done, he may say: “Thank you for telling me. I need time to digest this.” He may even add: “I am sorry that you are hurting,” if he is really kind. Then he goes off and thinks about what she said and maybe she had a point and maybe he can up his game, or maybe she had misunderstood his intentions, eventually he could consider what is more important, the issue or his marriage? The same applies to her.

I need to stress that men complain about a woman’s tone of voice, but many men are guilty of raising their voices. Women are just as sensitive to men raising their voices and it scares them. Men often defend by saying they were just talking loudly. Talking loudly is raising your voice. It scares her. You are supposed to protect her, not scare her.

Some men talk down to women, patronising them. Some men have a bad habit of inflicting little nasty pricks with verbal daggers, continuously sniping at their women. Prick being the operative word. This can backfire. One woman told her man: “If only your dick was as sharp as your tongue.”

This comment illustrates the point I made about how a man fears a woman’s tongue as a dagger that can castrate him. The comment: “Since you like sex so much, don’t you think it is time you learn how to do it?” has pretty much the same effect. Perhaps men learnt to humiliate and belittle women from their mothers who used those daggers on their husbands? Imagine asking a man if he learnt to be a bitch from his mother?

05Dec/16

Protectors And Warriors – Catfights

Catfights

Speaking of the dagger. Women often complain that their husbands never take their side when she has an argument with his mother or another woman. I ask the woman then: “If two men were fighting each other with daggers, would you step in between them?” This is how men perceive two women fighting. If he interferes, he is going to get hurt – probably in the groin region. The secret is not to fight with another woman, but rather to lay down the weapon, move in behind her man, and trust him to protect her. He might not do it the way she wants him to (don’t tell him what to do), but he will protect her. She may want him to call his mother and give her a piece of his mind.

He might solve it by just keeping the two of them apart. He hates conflict, remember, and he hates being the anti-hero more. Telling his mother to butt-out makes him a major anti-hero. Please understand this. (I did not say it was fair.) Men do not like bitchy and sarcastic women.

They are oblivious to the finer nuances in a catfight, but they can recognise open sarcastic, bitchy hostility and they don’t like it. Most women are clever enough to stage a scene to make the other woman seem the bitch. Men never like seeing a dagger coming from a woman’s mouth because they never know when it will be directed at them.

 

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Case example:

One man was caught in an argument between his wife and their best female friend. He happened to agree with the other girl’s point of view. “What was I supposed to do?” he asked me. “If you were at a dinner party and you made some comment that someone else disagreed with, would you want your wife to have your back, or would you want her to side with the other person against you?

When we are in a partnership, we back each other up. You may just put your arm around your wife and say: “Even if I disagree with my wife’s point of view, I support her right to express her opinion.” Or just put your arm around her and say nothing. That would make her feel that you are protecting her, without having to agree with her.”

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Remember in one of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, where the mermaids hang on to the rowing boats of the pirates, and they have the sweetest, serene, beautiful faces and suddenly they open their mouths revealing their terrible fangs? That pretty much describes what happens when that TONE OF VOICE and the daggers emerge.

Check out men’s profiles on dating sites. What is the one major off-putting characteristic they all agree on? Sarcasm.

 

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Case example:

A man walks up to his girlfriend at a social function. He asks if he can get her a refill. “I thought you’d never ask. You would let me die of thirst here,” she says and holds her glass out to him. He will refill her drink and hand it to her silently. And he will pick a fight with her on the way home and he will probably just drop her off at the gate. What if she had just smiled and said: “Thanks, you’re my hero.” He would have been attentive and affectionate towards her and all the other women would have complained to their husbands and boyfriends asking why could they not be more like that man who clearly adores his girlfriend?

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Ask nicely

 

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Case example:

The woman says: “You know,” wagging her finger in the air, “you would walk past this smelly dustbin and not even think of taking it out. I have to do everything in this house.” Then she wonders why he just looks at her and then resumes watching television. What happened to: “Would you please take out the dustbin for me, it’s heavy and smelly.” His first reaction would probably be: “Must I do it now?” (I told you it’s not fair.) Then she responds: “Yes please, I want to start dinner and it’s smelly and I’m sure you are hungry too.” If she smiles when she asks, he will do it. When he returns and she thanks him for being her hero, he will probably hang around the kitchen and ask if there is anything else he can do to help her. Ask him to peel the onions. Why don’t women just ask nicely when they want men to do something for them?

Why do women think they have to manipulate to get something? Ask nicely, charm a little and stroke his ego, it works better. Men are not stupid. They know when they are being manipulated and they resent it. They also know when they are being charmed and they love it. Just be sincere. If she does not want to stroke his ego and be charming towards him, what is she doing there? Is this not the man she is supposed to be in love with? The more truly feminine she is, the more she activates the hero. If he does not respond with heroic actions, leave.

One woman asked: “So must I continuously lick his boots to get him to do something?” “No, just ask nicely,” I answered. “Must I then continuously praise him and tell him he is my hero?” she asked. “Why not? You did it when you dated. You married your hero. Why not remind him of it? What do you have to lose? You may just regain your hero.”

One man explains: “Please don’t lose the praising. You will profit double in return and other women will envy the way he spoils you.”

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04Dec/16

Protectors and Warriors – The male apology

The male apology

Many women expect men to verbally apologise or agree with them. Why? He is a man, he has an ego – which is a good thing – why insist on a verbal apology? It is not his language. He is action orientated. He will SHOW her he is sorry by filling her car with petrol, buying her flowers, or just doing something for her. Once she understands this, and acknowledges the act of apology, without insisting on the verbal apology, he will thank his lucky stars for being with the best woman in the world and he will endeavour to spoil her more.

 

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Case example:

A couple had a huge argument at a friend’s house. As they approached the garden gate on their way out, the man stopped and picked a flower. “We must get you a plant like this,” he said and offered her the flower. She slapped the flower from his hand. What she did not realise was that the offering of the flower was his way of apologising. Men would much rather express themselves through such an action, than with a verbal apology. It’s the way they are.

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Many men told me they do not always expect a woman to say she is sorry if she did something that offended him. They rather want her to understand why he was offended. For example discussing his shortcomings with his friends is excruciatingly embarrassing to a warrior. Betraying his secrets and embarrassing him in company are some of the worst offences.

Fighting his battles

Remember men are warriors. Some women however, think they can snatch the sword from his hand and fight the battle for him. (He wants her to be able to fight her own battles when he is not there, but don’t fight his battles when he is present.) When this occurs, he will either attack her, or sit back and watch her make a fool of herself. Men usually have a reaction: “Well then, see if you can do it better, but don’t come running to me if you get hurt.” Battlefield is male territory, if a woman engages in battle, she becomes a comrade or an enemy, not the woman he needs to protect. And he wants to be with a woman whom he can protect, because it makes him feel good. What makes the woman think she can handle his situation better?

 

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Case example:

A man and his girlfriend approached the client liaison officer at the bank. The man explained that he wanted to switch bank accounts. The client liaison officer was a bit haughty. The girlfriend stepped up from behind him, pushed her way in front, wagged her finger at the liaison officer and told her her fortune. The man left the bank. The girlfriend said she just tried to help. Soon after, he left the girlfriend too. Men do not require women to take up arms for them. They need women to back them up. The emphasis is on Stay back.

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Another more mild example of snatching the sword from his hand would be a couple sitting at a table in a restaurant and the waiter taking his time to attend to them. Then the woman waves a waiter over or worse, gets up and fetches a waiter to the table. Sit back, lady, relax. He has it under control. She will get her food and he will pay for it too. It may be a good idea as well to tell the man what she would like to order in stead of directly to the waiter. Men look forward to treating a lady to dinner. It  resents them with an opportunity to be a hero, to treat her and spoil her. It is not that he is buying your gratitude, because he is paying for dinner, it is more just a matter of good manners to show genuine appreciation. Is it really too much to ask to make him feel like the hero? I think not.

Heroes never kick the bunny

When I was still a profiler, a murder and robbery commander invited me to his house. He wanted to show me something. The detectives were quite curious, so we all went along. He showed me his children’s bunny. I held the bunny and stroked its ears. The men were mesmerised. I put the bunny down and it hopped around on the lawn. Their gazes followed the bunny. When the bunny approached one of them, the others would caution him to watch out for the bunny. I realised there is a code of honour among men: No one kicks the bunny. They protect the bunny and they feel good protecting the bunny. I am not advocating that women should hop around the lawn, but since women have a deep seated need to feel safe, what’s wrong with activating the protector and making the men feel good about it? It’s a win-win.

The last word on men and action: A man has got to do what a man has got to do. Don’t stand in his way, rather trust that he will do it well, and he may just want to come home to you, without you having to try and catch him.

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06Dec/16

Providers

Generous Heroes: Providers

providerssmallThe psychologist Maslow formulated the well known theory of the hierarchy of needs, shaped like a pyramid. At first base are our basic physiological needs, such as hunger, sex, warmth and sleep. The second tier of the pyramid represents the need for safety. The third is the need to belong – to be loved. Fourth is the need for self-esteem, to feel good about ourselves and fifth is the need for self-actualisation – the altruistic need to surpass our individual needs, to become the best person we can be. When I investigated serial killers I found that most male serial killers killed for sex, the first base.

The female serial killers, on the other hand, killed for money. This is interesting and I explored the concept. A little girl recognises her father as the PROVIDER. He goes out to work, earns a salary and provides the roof over her head and brings home the bacon. So in a sense, she equates his love with money and this is also how men generally express their love to their families.

By providing. Having the home and the food and the stuff her father’s money can buy, makes her feel safe and being cared for. If in some sense her father disappointed her, or rejected her, she will always subconsciously hunt the money, as a substitute to fill the empty void which the lack of his love created in her. In some extreme cases where the father molested his daughter or abandoned her, the yearning for money as a substitute for his love and protection, may become so all consuming that she will kill for it. To women, money represents safety.

pantheonRead more about: Maslow’S Hierarchy Of Needs

To men, money represents status

Men feel good about themselves when they are good providers. It boosts their self-esteem. That is how I came to realise that to men money represents status – the fourth tier of Maslow’s hierarchy. Money for women represents a basic need – safety. The second tier of the pyramid. Men need sex and women need to feel safe. Men agree they would rather lose their women to another man with more money, than to a man who is better in bed.

In antiquity a man’s worth was measured by his bravery and valour. His physical strength and performance as a warrior earned him the respect and perhaps the envy of other men. Power was embedded in strength. In our age, men judge other men by their wealth. Money has become the benchmark of a man’s worth. It is the mighty magnates who rule the world, not the politicians, nor the kings.

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06Dec/16

Providers – Rings and shiny things

Rings and shiny things

Why do men buy their wives and girlfriends jewellery? So she can wear it at home? No, so she can wear it for other people to see what a good provider he is. Men like women to show off their wealth. Of course most women do not complain, but often when I see rich men’s wives and their fingers sparkle with several huge diamond rings, I tend to wonder; the more rings, the less attention she gets. “I-will-make-it-up-to-you rings.” Most of those women will exchange those rings at any given moment for more quality time and personal attention from their husbands.

Men are aware of the fact that society expects them to provide. That is often why so many of them avoid marriage – they are not ready to take on the responsibility of providing. However, some men make the mistake of thinking all women are gold diggers.

(Some women are and some are spoilt brats, but I will get to that later.) Many women are quite content when the basics are covered. If they have a roof, food, clothes and most of all safety, especially when they reach old age, they are happy. A little spoiling is appreciated but honestly, not all of them demand or require the diamond rings. Men tend to think women require the luxuries, because it suits the men to think so, because it makes them feel good when they can afford it.

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Case example

One man promised himself he would not ask a girl to marry him, unless he could provide for her better than her father. He dated his high school sweetheart and when he could finally afford to buy her a house, he married her. By then he was already in his thirties. Later he became a very wealthy man. When his daughter turned 21, he wanted to buy her a house. I reminded him of his promise to himself. “If you buy your daughter an expensive house, you are raising the bar too high for her potential husband and she will end up a lonely rich Daddy’s little girl. You spoil your daughter’s chances.” He bought her a small flat.

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Men want women to spend their money, when they offer it.

They only require the woman to be appreciative and not to waste it.

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Case example

A rich man became irate when his wife “squirreled” the spending money he gave her. He gave her an excessive monthly allowance and when they went abroad he often handed her wads of cash to “buy a handbag or something pretty.” She banked the money. Also, her main complaint was that there was never enough money, despite the fact that they lived in a multi-million mansion and she drove a German sports car. I explained to him the principle that she felt unsafe.

If a woman feels unsafe, no amount of money will compensate for it. She did not know if that house or car was paid-up, whether the bailiff could repossess it, or if he had made provision for her and their children, should something happen to him. So she lived frugally and saved the money. Once he explained his finances to her and showed her she would be taken care of in retirement, she relaxed. He even transferred one of the properties into her name.

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I have often witnessed the gilded cage syndrome. A wealthy man will thwart every attempt of his wife to earn her own money. “She does not need to work, I provide for her,” he proclaims, but deep down he cannot tolerate the idea of her gaining independence, for he fears she may leave him. Is he not, by keeping her in the gilded cage and withholding her independence, acknowledging his own insecurity that she may not love him for the man he is? Does he never consider that she may stay, because she loves him as a man, and not because he keeps her captive in golden chains? Often when these women do something to displease the man, he threatens to throw her out, cut off her finances and even abandon her family members he may have been providing for as well. Would he not rather be the man she would voluntarily want to be with, even if he was not wealthy at all? Sometimes I encourage these men to support their wives in establishing their own financial independence, for that would provide the final proof of whether she stays with him for the money, or for himself.

Some women, however, spend his money as if there is no tomorrow. I sometimes wonder at the ease with which these women consider their husbands’ wallets as the proverbial widow’s flask that just never runs dry. They help themselves with no thought or consideration of the fact that that money is earned by hard work. He WORKS for it. He gets up at 5am, while she is still snoozing, and he returns home after 8pm, when she is again in her pyjamas, (or still in her pyjamas). I know I am exaggerating, but I have seen many such examples. Worse, there are women who presume they are entitled to an unlimited access to the money, because they “run” the house or raise his children. “Excuse me, but are they not your children too? Do you require to be paid or compensated to rear your own children? Are you the Nanny earning a salary?” Consider the single Moms out there who work hard to raise their own children and who do not have the luxury of a double income family.

They don’t expect to be paid to raise their children. I do not contest when families have the arrangement that the men work and earn the money and that the women stay at home and raise the children and that this in itself is very hard work. I do not contest that is a good 50 – 50 partnership agreement. But some women have a hell-of-a-self-righteous attitude to this set-up. Some women become extremely indignant when the husband requires some form of bookkeeping as to what his money was spent on and if he requests that she should stick to a budget. Here is a tip, ladies: It is not unreasonable for a man to require quotes or cash slips as proof of expenditure. He is not obliged to hand over wads of cash, or pay limitless accounts. He is not being spiteful, it is just called responsible financial management. He has a right to know what you are doing with his money, just as you have a right to ask him about financial affairs concerning you.

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Case example

A woman complained that her husband buys lavish gifts for their young adult children. She was concerned that they, as a couple, may suffer during their retirement. The wife did not work. She was a stay-at-home-Mom, but the children had all moved out of the home. I asked her if she needed anything. She reflected for a moment and admitted she had a good home, a car, clothes, food etc. They lived a moderate middle class life, but she needed nothing. Since the children were grown up and had left the home, she could sleep late and she spent most of her days updating her Facebook Page, playing computer games, cleaning the house and preparing dinner. Eventually she concluded: “I sound like a spoilt brat.” I agreed. “He gets up at 5 in the morning, brings you coffee in bed and he goes off to work.

He provides for you. He works hard for his money so why on earth can he not spend it on something that makes him happy – even if that entails gifts for his children?” I agreed that the children are spoilt, but it remains his prerogative to spend some of his money on whatever he wants, does it not? If she requires some luxuries why does she not get up at 6 am and go to work as well? With her earnings she can contribute to the existing life insurance policies if she was so concerned about their retirement. Instead of criticising the man for not earning enough, she could support him by finding employment. She complained she had been out of the market for too long and she was too old to work. I assured her even if she found a job for R3000 a month, it would cover her petrol and could add up to a considerable premium and savings. Her alternative is to stay at home, sleep late, clean her home, cook dinner, play computer games and thank her husband for being the provider hero he is, and to stop complaining.

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The flip side of the coin

Sometimes men also have the inclination to think that because they pay for everything, they own the woman.

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>Case example

An affluent man bought his wife a little sports car. One day he took the car in for a service. The salesman offered him a trade-in on the car and an amount of cash. As the man could do with the cash at that moment, he traded the car. He could not understand why his wife was upset. I explained to him that he had negated her right to ownership, by selling her car, without even discussing it with her.

He treated her like a slave, who had no right to possession. He answered that since he had paid for the car in the first place, and since he was in charge of the finances, he could sell the car. She should trust him that he needed the cash then and that he could buy her another newer model sports car later. I explained that he sold her possession. He answered: “So my money is our money – she has free access to it, but what is hers is only hers?” The mistake lay in the lack of communication. If only he had asked or even just told her what he planned to do, she probably would have agreed to it. Men regard communication as the most important part of a relationship, yet often they fail to communicate.

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The psychologist Carl Jung formulated the concept of a collective subconscious. Since women have been suppressed for millennia, they developed a collective subconscious memory of it and resistance to it. Women are sensitive when their rights as humans are not respected. They have a right to an opinion, to property, to work, to love, etc. One man said he understands this deep seated issue and he could understand why she gets upset when he uses her stuff (like her car) without asking he permission. He can respect her right to “Mine”, even when he paid for it, but he wished she would not rub his nose in her “ownership” so often. He wished she could tone it down a little. Noted.

06Dec/16

Providers – Smile

Smile

What appreciation do men need for providing? Work is the battlefield where he fights the dragons and at the end of the day wins the prizes to bring home to his wife. So he gets home after a long day, and she hardly greets him, she is busy doing something else, or she can’t wait to tell him about her problems. Could she please… just … smile. Not fake it, mean it. Can she smile at the man whom she loves? (I can already hear the women complaining: “I work hard too, when I get home in the afternoons I am also tired…” There you go, complaining again, with a sullen face. Just the kind of woman a man can’t wait to come home to?)

Men are born with the innate need to provide and protect. When a mother holds her baby boy in her arms, she smiles at him and he knows the world is perfect. The moment she frowns, although he is still pre-verbal, he tries to figure out what he can do to make her happy. Men want to know they make women happy. They will act like clowns and do all kinds of silly things, just to entertain her and see her smile. Once she smiles at him, he gets the message: “You are doing your job well. I am happy.” Then he can relax. In so many relationships that run into trouble, the women have stopped smiling at the men. When he comes home at night, just give him a smile first. It makes it all worthwhile.

Many men eventually feel they are just the wallet in the home. They are no longer appreciated, they feel no matter how hard they try, they just never get it right, as she always moves the goal posts. The sad thing is, many of these men stay in the marriages because they don’t want to leave her in the lurch. They just try harder and grow more and more unhappy. They no longer like or love her, but they can’t leave her because no one kicks the bunny, remember. Especially if she no longer listens to him and he has gone all quiet and she only uses him as a wallet, and most probably no longer sleeps with him. This is the point where many men cry: “Enough”. And they walk out. Sometimes to another woman who is appreciative and needs him to be the hero, sometimes just because he has had enough. I often ask women if they thank their husbands at the end of the month for providing for them, for paying the bond, etc. The women answer: “Why should I? It’s his job.” Yet, these same women get upset when the husband does not thank her for cooking him a meal every night.

One man said: “I know when my relationships are heading for the pits. She stops kissing me passionately and she gets that expression of discontent. I just break up before she gets to the never-ending-complaining phase.”

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Case example

The wife wanted her husband not to work so late and to come home earlier. When he walked in after 8pm, she shouted at him and smashed the plates of food on the floor. Without replying, he turned around and set off to the local pub, where he had dinner and a couple of beers. When he got home eventually he was too drunk to care whether she picked a fight or not. This woman was doing a 180 degrees opposite of what she wanted. She wanted him to come home. Why would he want to come home to a banshee? When she stopped her antics and welcomed him home one night with a candlelit dinner and a smile, he came home early after that. He said he did not expect a candlelit dinner every night, he just wanted her to stop fighting and be nice and smile. He worked late because he provided for them. Some men work very late because they want to avoid the banshee at home.

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Remember when I explained that when a woman smiles at a man, within split seconds on a pre-conscious level, he relaxes and treats her like an ally? Here is another benefit of smiling: Our faces reveal micro expressions at such a rate, we are hardly conscious of them and we respond to other people’s micro expressions mostly on a pre-conscious level. It is rather uncanny that the vagus nerve, which regulates the parasympathetic (relaxed) nervous system originates from the same part of the brain stem which regulates our facial muscles. The moment we relax our facial muscles into a smile, we send a message to our gut to relax and our heart rate to slow down. So even if we feel depressed or down, a smile and deep breathing will send a message to the brain to generate positive thoughts. You can smile yourself happy. Men are drawn to happy women, because it makes their job at making her happy so much easier.

Neuroscientists discovered mirror neurons in the brain. A simple example would be that we all tend to yawn when we see someone else yawning. These neurons cause us to understand the meaning of another person’s behaviour and bring us in touch with that feeling. When we watch a moving scene in a movie, we tend to cry along. Interestingly women have more mirror neurons than men, meaning women are much more emotionally empathic in touch, and able to read emotional facial expressions. However due to their status as warriors and protectors, men are far better equipped to read and interpret negative facial emotions. A frown or a scowl on a woman’s face triggers an automatic attack mode in a man, while a smile or gentle expression, will trigger the protection mode.

To show appreciation to a Provider, just smile.

Gifts

Parents have reported to me when they give pocket money to girls, they spend it fast. However, boys save their pocket money – so they can spend it on girls later. Sweet.

It is not a good idea for a woman to buy a man expensive presents, especially not before he has bought her a gift first. I asked the men what would be typical signs that a boy likes a girl. They all answered: “He buys her things.” Men like to make grand gestures and impress the women with expensive gifts like a car, or a diamond ring. Usually it is something other people will notice. For in the eyes of other men, he is a good provider. Men like to receive presents, but what they like better are daily gestures that she is thinking of him and that he is special to her. For heaven’s sake, this only applies when they are in a relationship. Showering him with little gifts every day while he is still making up his mind about her, is not a good idea. He does not want to feel bought. He wants to make up his own mind. He wants to do the buying. Little tokens of appreciation once there is an established relationship, is good. Like buying him 2 percent milk because he likes it, or his favourite flavoured biltong (jerky), or replacing his cologne when it’s almost finished, because she noticed. As soon as she gives him a big expensive gift, she is competing with him on his level. He wants her to be in awe of him, not to compete with him. Men like to impress women, not to compete with them. Again it may not be fair, but it is the way it is. Many men claim they don’t mind if the woman earns a bigger salary, but believe me, deep down, most of them do. Even if they accept it, they resent it when she makes it obvious.

Some men think it is fine to ask their personal assistants to buy a gift for their wives. It is not. The only time when it is acceptable to ask a third party to get involved, is when you order her flowers from a florist, long distance since you could not deliver it yourself. It is acceptable to ask your sister or the wife’s best friend to go along and help you chose a gift, but often they may get it wrong. She would rather have something not quite 100 percent her taste, but completely chosen by you, than have someone else choose it for her. It is the thought and your effort that count. Men would like to see the woman not only appreciate the gift, but also to use it, wear it and show it off. Don’t spare the expensive perfume. He intended it for his woman’s pleasure. To make her happy. If she spares it, she is conveying the message that she does not believe he will earn enough to replace it. If she really, really dislikes it, she can tell him – nicely – and exchange it. She can take him along and make him feel special for spoiling her. It is not a good idea to tell the shop assistant: “My husband always gets it wrong.”

19Dec/16

Providers – In a league of her own

In a league of her own

Men observe women and at a glance decide whether they can afford her or not. They call it a league. This league is linked to his earning capacity. Some men prefer women in a higher league for it inspires them to raise the bar, to step up and to fulfil their potential.

Some men prefer women in a lower league, so she will be grateful for what he can afford. It makes it easier for him. Some women fall in love with men who can’t afford them, because those men may have other qualities that are far more important to the woman, than his bank balance. However, these men may develop inferiority complexes, because men generally benchmark their success on their earning capacity. Heroes despise unemployed men who live off women. It is called pimping.

Some men like dating financially successful women, because it affirms he can afford that league. Few men, but they do exist, are not intimidated by a woman’s earning capacity or her bank balance. It actually inspires him, rather than threatens him. These men have the self-confidence to believe in themselves and they don’t need to rely on their bank balances to impress. There is a difference between self-confidence and arrogance. Earning her own salary contributes to a woman’s independent status.

Men prefer women to be the medium for showing off their success. Many men think they do not deserve to spoil themselves. It does them good to hear that they do.

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Case example

An affluent man had a problem acknowledging his success. No matter how much he earned, he felt it was never enough. This was not due to his wife. She adored him and was very appreciative. He grew up in a home where he could never please his mother. I suggested he buy himself a present so he can be reminded of his material success on a daily basis.

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It took some time to convince him that he deserved to spoil himself. Eventually he confessed that he liked fancy cars. I asked him if he would like to spoil himself with a new sports car. “If I drive that thing on the highway, all the other chaps will think I am an arrogant bragging dick,” he said. “Or they may think, wow, check that guy, he made it. If I work harder, I might make it too,” I answered, “ your success may just inspire them. You have earned the car. You reached the bar.” One morning he arrived in a Jaquar sports car. “My wife said it looked sexy,” he said shyly. I agreed.

Footing the bill

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Case example

One man complained every time he took his friends out to dinner, his wife would grab the bill and check if the waiter had over-charged him, or she would calculate the other couples’ share. She is overtly sending his guests the message that he cannot afford it and that he is a bad provider. This is a major insult to a hero.

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Many women wonder if they should offer to pay half of the restaurant bill. Men agree that she can offer once, because it creates the impression that she does not believe she is entitled to his money, but when he says No, she should not embarrass him by insisting. She is creating the impression that he can’t afford her. He would not have invited her if he could not afford her. It’s fine if she invites him now and again, but men do feel uncomfortable when women settle a bill in public.

Best to pay the bill when he goes to the bathroom. They suggest she can rather treat him to a home cooked meal or she can take him on a picnic. Then she provides the food and the ambience and he is not put on the spot in public. When they are just friends, they can share the bill or take turns in paying, but it still makes the man feel uncomfortable.

Just as a woman is not entitled to his money, so he is not entitled to her body when he pays for dinner.

A woman’s validation of her man’s success is very important,
whatever his league

Remember to a man money represents status, to a woman it represents security. Some men earn smaller salaries, but they work hard and they have generous hearts. Blessed are their girlfriends and wives who appreciate them for the heroes they are.

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06Dec/16

Heroes On Their Quests

Heroes On Their Quests

Ancient Greek mythology relates many tales of heroes pursuing their quests. The hero Thesseus slew the Minotaur in the labyrinth on Crete. His lover, the King’s daughter and chief priestess, Ariadne, gave him a ball of thread which guided him out of the labyrinth. He promised to marry her. However, Thesseus left her on the island Naxos and sailed away to follow his destiny to become the King of Athens. Heartbroken Ariadne turned to Dionysos, the god of drink and lust, and she joined a band of women who revelled in wild orgies, drank too much and devoured men. (Thesseus later married her little sister Phaedra, who fell in love with her stepson!)

Medea also used her powers as a priestess to provide magic and herbs to the hero Jason on his quest to find the golden fleece. He married her and they had two sons. Then he followed his quest and abandoned her in favour of the daughter of King Creon of Corinth, princess Glauke. Medea killed their sons and killed princess Glauke with a poisoned dress. She also killed her brother who tried to stop her and eventually she married Thesseus’ father and attempted to kill Thesseus.

Odysseus, King of Ithica, a little island to the west of Greece, was one of the Achaean heroes of the Trojan war. He survived the 10-year war on the shores of Illium, but when he sailed home, he got lost for another 10 years. So for 20 years his wife, Queen Penelope, faithfully ruled his kingdom in his absence and waited for him, despite many suitors vying to win her hand. Noble Odysseus, we think, deserves such a faithful wife, until we read Homer’s Odyssey and learn that seven of those 10 lost years Odysseus spent in the arms of the seductress and siren Calypso. He later contested that he wanted to leave, as he yearned for Penelope. Poor Odysseus?

One of the few Trojans who survived the war was the Trojan hero Aneas. He escaped with his life and fled to Carthage, where he fell in love with the beautiful Queen Dido. They consummated their love in a cave and she understood this to be a proposal of marriage. Aneas abandoned her and set off on his quest to found Rome. She killed herself.

Get the picture? Women assume sex is a declaration of everlasting love or a marriage proposal. Also when a woman stands in the way of a man’s quest, she gets left behind, despite the fact that he may love her. Abandoned and rejected women go on the rebound, commit suicide or get very, very nasty. Women want love, men want glory. Women believe love conquers all. Men don’t. Men believe they can conquer the world.

06Dec/16

Heroes On Their Quests – Love of your life?

Love of your life?

Heroes have a quest. It drives them. Despite everything. They need to find and follow this passion, this quest. Sometimes the quest is off the beaten track, like becoming a famous photographer, or a hunter – remember Robert Redford’s character in the movie Out of Africa – but mostly it involves their career and making money. It is the number one priority. The woman or the wife is not the number one priority. She may become a main distraction for a while, but she is not the lifelong priority. She may become the end to the means – some men realise eventually to amass such riches and to have no one to share it with (or to spend it on) is meaningless and his wife or family becomes the end to the means. The quest / passion / job remains the means to the end though.

Speaking metaphorically, a man may feel that he needs a four carat diamond before he can rightfully and honourably stand in front of a woman and ask her to marry him. “What if she is the love of your life and you may lose her if you go off on this quest? What if she says she does not need a four carat diamond, she just wants you?” I ask. All the men I asked responded exactly the same… they just shrugged their shoulders. “You stand to lose the love of your life. You will never get another love like this, ever?” “So be it,” they all answer without exception. Pose this question to a woman and she will sacrifice anything and drop everything, including her panties, for the love of her life.

The right woman at the right time at the right place. The right woman, the wrong time and wrong place; no go. She may be the woman he wants to marry, but if he is not ready to get married, he WILL LET HER GO. She remembers the wonderful times they shared when they were in love, the promises he made and how all of that just evaporated one day in a flash. She asks herself: “Does he not love me? “ He does. But it is not enough. She may make the perfect wife, but if he does not want to get married, that will not convince him. She may be Miss Right, but if he is Mr Not Ready, he will leave her and avoid her, even if it breaks his heart and it certainly breaks her heart.

Love is not enough, if a man is not ready. She may sleep with him, to rekindle his feelings, and of course he will sleep with her, because he loves her and she is offering herself to him, but that will not make him stay. HE WILL STILL LEAVE. He will avoid her so as not to witness her heartbreak, he will emerge himself in work to be too busy or too tired to think of her, and the last thing she should do is run after him, or tell him he is the love of her life. He knows. He does not want to hear it. He is not ready. Hitch your horses, lady, and move on. He does not want to get hitched. IF HE IS NOT READY, IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

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Case example

One man was an ardent sportsman and trained for the Olympics. He met a young woman who stunned him from the first moment he saw her. She lived in another town. He did not pursue the relationship, for he was focused on his training and could not afford the effort of maintaining a long distance relationship and train for the Olympics. She carried on living her own life. Six months later, they met up again. He realised she was the love of his life.

Guess what? They dated for a year and he broke up with her because the relationship was getting too serious and he was pursuing a gold medal. Again, she did not wait for him. She carried on with her life. Did he miss her? Yes he did! Did he kick his own butt for losing her? Yes he did! Did he saddle his horse and go looking for the love of his life? No. A year later he ran into her for the third time. By this time he had earned his gold medal. He felt worthy of standing in front of her and asked her to be his wife. They are still happily married today.

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He can count himself lucky and favoured by the gods.