Virile Heroes

(I do respect that every adult has the right to decide on moral or religious reasons to abstain from sex and only to practice it within marital boundaries. I am also not advocating pornography or passing any moral judgements. In this section I am mainly discussing the points of view of adult men and women, who date, are married or divorced, without prejudice or intended offence.)

Remember when I said men are an aggressive species? And women need to make peace with that? Well, men are also sexual creatures. And women can make love to that. Or leave. Their testosterone makes them men and their life libido is wired to their virility.

Just to recap on testosterone: The 23rd pair of our chromosomes determine the gender of the child. All foetuses are female originally, unless there is a Y-chromosome, which encourages the gonads to develop into testes instead of ovaries. The testes secrete testosterone, which alters the male’s brain and body. I have explained before how this powerful Achilles-hormone primes the male body and mindset for battle.

Much the same happens, when he is primed for sex. They are more apt to risk taking, they think faster, but their judgement is impaired. (In the heat of the moment, men do not consider using condoms or long-term consequences of unwanted pregnancies.) Remember also they reach their sexual peak at about age nineteen, when the nucleus accumbens – the thrill centre of the brain – overrides the neo-cortex, which is the rational part of the brain, considering self-control. By the time he reaches age thirty, his testosterone production begins to decline and his risk taking becomes calculated and calibrated according to his physical and mental abilities.

Testosterone also promotes sexual fantasies, but if he is stressed out and ready for battle, the blood supply is rushed to the muscles required for fighting – the arms and thighs. In order for him to obtain and maintain an erection and achieve ejaculation – blood flowing to the phallus – he needs to be relaxed and in the parasympathetic nervous system. Men suffering from long-term stress have a low libido.

When he becomes aroused by what he sees, or what he imagines, the hypothalamus will signal the testes to release testosterone. This release may take several minutes or even hours before the testosterone has an actual effect upon his body, but the effect is powerful throughout the whole body, as testosterone docks in the receptors of almost all the cells in the body. Testosterone cannot be stored. Rivalry increases testosterone and even men watching sporting events have increased levels of testosterone. When a team wins, the fans will have raised testosterone levels and when the team loses, the levels drop. (That’s why women should never say: Oh cheer up, it’s just a game!).

Interesting facts about testosterone are that in some areas it requires an enzyme called aromatase found in the female oestrogen to activate it. Meat and beer contain oestrogen. Obese men with an elevated number of fat cells, may grow breasts, a syndrome referred to as gynaecomastia, for fat cells carry aromatase. When their testosterone levels drop, men become irritable, tired and depressed – and then they complain women are prone to hormonal mood swings!

On a physiological level men need sex, women don’t. Women can live without sex for years. This is not to say they don’t enjoy sex or don’t want it. Many of them do, but generally they don’t need it, in the sense that men need it. Men need it to feel alive, to feel like men. Needing it makes them vulnerable and some women capitalise on this vulnerability. They make the men feel ashamed of the fact that men need sex. Men deeply resent this. It’s foul play.

Some women dislike sex, they find it distateful, painful or just an unpleasant duty. (Please bear with me, I am not referring to women who were molested or raped. That is a completely different, sensitive and tragic topic, which is not within the scope of this book.) I am refering to every day women who just don’t like sex. Some of them just don’t like their husbands. If you don’t like pets, why would you buy one and share your home with one? Men are sexual.

If she does not like it, why does she waste her – and his – time by staying with him? “So are you saying if I do not give him sex, I should not be with him?” asked one married woman. “Sex is not something you give. It is something you share. If you don’t want to share it with this man, then you should consider why,” I answered. “Can’t I take a pill to make him appear more sexy to me?” she asked. I happened to run into this particular man a year later. He was happily divorced. Other women suffer a temporary lapse in their attraction to their men. When the psychological undercurrent is sorted in therapy, they happily regain their attraction.

Women are definitely not obliged to sleep with every man they date, but it is a vital element in an adult relationship and a marriage, just as emotions are. Reciprocate, initiate, but don’t neglect either component.

I once read a bumper sticker where the little stick woman said: No love, no sex. And the little stick man said: No sex, no love. Another slogan said: How can I love you if you won’t lie down?

Feelings vs physical attraction

Generally speaking men are quite capable of having casual sexual relations without experiencing any deeper feelings. As one man said: “It helps if you like each other.” Womens’ default mode though, is to get emotionally involved with the men they have sex with. A man may have an intense sexual attraction for a girl, then sleep with her and only then may he fall in love with her. It works the other way around with a woman. Normally she will fall in love with him first, and then sleep with him.

“Why must a girl’s feelings get involved?” asked one man. “Would you prefer sleeping with a girl who has no feelings for you at all?” I asked, “then pay a prostitute, or have a life of consecutive one-night stands. Like a perpetual teenager.” No one can remote control and fast forward this man to grow up, but he cannot expect a mature woman to be interested in him either. Women have standards. Maybe he will grow into one of those sleazy dirty old men, who pant after young girls. Yuk.

The problem is not that a woman’s feelings get involved. The problem arises when she cannot control those feelings. Then she gets jealous and possessive and needy, and her smell changes, remember. Then he runs. With his pants around his ankles, if he has to.

Mature women are quite capable of owning their feelings. It does not necessarily imply that they have all kinds of expectations just because they have feelings. Some women are quite capable of a more relaxed, sex-can-also-be-fun stance. They have lovers. One at a time, for a longer time. They are not demanding permanency, but they do require exclusivity. It’s just plain good manners and it has health benefits. Two adult independent people who have a loving relationship and enjoying sex.

A complication also often arises when the man is attracted to the woman and he sleeps with her and then he realises he is in love with her. He retreats because he feels catnipped and out of control. She feels cheated, because she knows he has feelings – women are much better at recognising feelings than men, even men’s feelings – but he denies the emotional side, because he cannot afford being in a relationship, for some or other reason in his life – the Tupperware-syndrome again.

He did not use her just for sex. He is confused. He needs time out to contemplate what is inside that Tupperware container. But by the time he figures it out she may have moved on when he finally catches on he actually had feelings for her, or worse she waits patiently and he figures out his feelings are not enough, or she is the right girl at the wrong time.

Just as women should learn to control their feelings, so we can expect men to control their sexual urges. Fair deal? I agree that an over-sexed man whose pants are about to burst is as annoying to a woman as a woman brimming with emotions, is irritating to a man. People are wary of any dam on the brink of breaking. Hysteria rising is not conducive to any relationship. Surely we can find a compromise somewhere. Many men do actually seek the comfort, emotional growth, back-up trust and friendship of a relationship and many women actually like passionate lovemaking. Surprised?

Despite all the stereotypical jokes that men think about sex every 30 seconds, etc, they do respect women who hold them at bay. Men respect women with standards. There is a difference between a woman with morals who withholds sex initially, and a woman who blames men for wanting sex. Women with standards need not necessarily be prudes, but they are not crude either. Women who value themselves expect exclusivity. After all, would he like to sleep with a woman who sleeps with many different men at the same time?

When a woman gets the idea that a man just wants to use her body for sex, and that he has no consideration for the fact that she is a person, with a brain, a personality, likes, dislikes, interests etc, she feels like a whore. He denigrates her to being an object. At least sex-workers get paid and they know what they are selling. (I have counselled many sex-workers in my practice.)

One man asked why women cannot just regard sex as just another physical activity – like kicking a ball together (!) Here is a little hint: the physical act of sex involves a woman’s body being penetrated by the anatomy of another person. It is intrusive and very intimate and very personal.

A woman needs to trust the person she allows inside her body. How would this man feel if a virtual stranger whom he has just met or hardly knows, penetrates his body just for fun? It’s not just kicking a ball together.

Why would my wife not sleep with me?

Because you may be smelly, drunk or a lazy bum and she is too tired when she goes to bed. Or she is angry with you, because you did something to upset her and you never gave her the chance to tell you about it. If women cannot open their mouths, they are unlikely to open their legs. Or you are boring in bed. Those are usually the women’s reasons.

Or she is sleeping with someone else because he is paying attention to her. One man observed: “Women are attracted to rich powerful men, because she does not have to fret about a broken washing machine.” Point to consider next time it’s just too much effort to help her with the chores.

Why would the man not sleep with the woman?

He is getting older and having some impotency problems – which can be attended to by a urologist. He is sleeping with someone else. He thinks she is sleeping with someone else. He thinks she is smelly and drunk or too fat. He does not trust her. He is bored. She cut her hair and wears Capri pants. He is stressed, which would affect his libido – he is also just too tired. Point to consider next time she complains he does not work hard enough to buy a new washing machine.

Make-up sex

When a woman did something to upset the man, and she wants to set things right, she can make love to him and he will forgive her. Making love is an action and men are action orientated. They experience seeking intimacy as a sign of seeking reconciliation. I am not saying that women should manipulate men with sex. If she thinks she can just make love to him, without sincere remorse for what she has done, he will take the sex, but not forgive her. It’s foul play. This also depends on the severity of the transgression. Sleeping with him in order for him to forgive her for sleeping with his best friends is not going to work.

If a man messed up and thinks he can make love to the woman as an act of retribution, he is making a BIG mistake. It does not work that way in a woman’s world. The woman wants to TALK about it first, before he touches her.

Affection

Most women thrive on affection. They like to cuddle and to be touched. Remember I said a woman’s sexual sense is touch. If a man wants sex at night, it may be a good idea to shower her with affection during the day. By the way it is not advisable to touch a woman when she is cooking or nurturing a child. Men often hug their wives when they are standing in front of the stove. Don’t.

She is tending to the saucepan simmering on a hot plate, her hands smell like onions and she is not feeling sexy. Same applies when she is changing a nappy or feeding a child. She is in Mommy-mode. A man would not like it if she distracts him when he is fixing a sewerage problem and his hands are full of pooh, or when he is holding a power tool in his hands. She will appreciate it if he helps her to prepare dinner, or just chats to her. The sooner the evening chores are done, and if he draws her a bubble bath, well now, that might work. Just to mention it, many men like affection too. People differ in their opinions on a public display of affection. It’s just a personal thing, nothing to cause a major raucous about. Just communicate personal preferences!

The cuddle hormone

Everybody knows testosterone is the male hormone and oestrogen is the female hormone. Oxytocin is the “cuddle” hormone. Both genders produce oxytocin during sex. This makes men feel tender towards the woman they are intimate with and it makes them feel vulnerable. Many men realise this. This is often why men grab their pants and run after sex. They know they are vulnerable and they don’t want to share those vulnerabilities with her. She may exploit his vulnerability.

Some husbands no longer sleep with their wives, not because they don’t want the sex, rather because they are avoiding these vulnerable episodes. He does not trust her with his secrets any longer. Some men abscond right after sex because he knows this is also the time when his feelings for her will surface and he is not ready to face those feelings – just in case she gets the idea that sleeping together means a relationship. Some men can’t deal with her feelings.

The adult, mature thing to do is actually to stay the night. Cuddle, hold her and make her feel safe. Isn’t that what being a hero is all about? Basically, if you are not prepared to stay the night like a gentleman, don’t get into bed. If you are not ready for the relationship, or just interested in casual sex, at least have the decency to honestly discuss this with her before you get into her bed. You may be surprised at her answer. Not all women equate staying the night with “now we are moving in together,” but women are not generally in awe of “fly by nights”.

What is your number?

I know of women who have had multiple lovers, yet they will never be classified as sluts. They are discreet and classy and very interesting. A person’s level of experience does not necessarily correlate with the number of lovers they have had, and neither does their classy-slutty rating. One man put it very eloquently: “I don’t care how many previous lovers my current girlfriend had. Whoever crossed her path in her past, contributed in some sense to shape her into the woman she is today and that is the woman I fell in love with.” If someone keeps an alphabetical list with ratings and little stars allocated on their bedside table, we may have a problem.

Bad boys

When I interviewed men for the purpose of this book, they often said: “I am not like other men.” Then I replied: “What element of manhood do you not want to identify with?” They all answered that they disapprove of men who take sexual advantage of women. Why do men have a bad reputation when it comes to their sexual behaviour? Most men are quite aware of the fact that women get emotionally involved when they have sex. Yet the men prefer to ignore this, or hope she won’t. So he sleeps with her, because he needs the sex and then he disappears because he wants to avoid the emotions. “A time to come and a time to go, and this is usually five minutes apart,” said one man. “Come hell or high water, this cowboy is going to ride tonight,” said another bad boy.

Men pursue a woman and when she capitulates and he sleeps with her, he loses interest. This is hurtful. Yes, men do this, rather regularly and they hope they can get away with it.

This kind of behaviour gives men a bad name. This is using the girl for your own carnal pleasure. It is also a very dangerous thing to do with damaged girls, (who are usually the promiscuous girls) but we will discuss that later. The male slut actually has a bad reputation as much as the female version.

I am not denying that there are some people, of both genders, who truly do not mind indiscriminate no-strings-attached-sex. It’s just a pity that they sleep with people who do mind. Nobody wants to be just another f***. A woman is not a “take-away” sex shop. It is disrespectful and carries a health risk.

Some men take advantage of drunk girls, some men brag about the girls they have had one night stands with, and some men tend to tell very crude sexual jokes in the company of women. Women can be quite boisterous when they joke about sex as well and they can take these jokes. Some of these jokes are very funny, but there are limits. If sex is the only thing a man can talk about, if he gropes and goggles all the time, he is being a nuisance. This is the male equivalent of the woman being needy. Nothing wrong with a virile man, it’s sexy and attractive, but once it becomes a desperate preoccupation, it’s boring.

One man had sex with his girlfriend and half an hour later he broke up with her. He told her he came over with the intention of breaking up, but she looked sexy, so he decided to have sex one last time!

Pornography

(I am not discussing the topic of child pornography or other illegal activities in t
his book. Please refer to one of my other books on crime. I am also not entering into a discussion about the morality of pornography. I am discussing adult men’s views on the topic.)

Most of the men who read this case study, just shook their heads. “If she wants him to promise never to watch porn, she should promise him never to have a bad mood during PMS,” said one. “But PMS is a biological female function she has no control over,” I answered. “So is watching porn to a man, it’s a biological need,” he answered.

Most men grow up watching pornography, since their teenage years. A man’s sexual sense is visual. That is why there is such a major pornography industry catering 99% to male viewers. They also masturbate since their teenage years and naturally turn to pornography as visual stimulation. Teenage girls masturbate too, by the way. Teenagers watch pornography because they are curious about sex and the female or male bodies. Teenage boys are brimming with hormones and curiosity. Sexual prowess, virility and experience are benchmarks of manhood and just as they compete on sports fields, they compete in this as well. It is part of being a man. Young men masturbate much more than young women do. They may even masturbate in the shower, right after they had sex with their girlfriends, just because they are aroused by the warm water, or the memory of what just happened. The poor young woman may jump to the conclusion that she was “not good enough.” “Just join him in the shower, sweetheart,” advise the older men.

As men grow older and mature, their interest in pornography may wane. They may watch it once a week, once a month or just every now and again. I asked them what would be the main reasons and they answered: “Just because I am bored.” “There is no current woman available, ie girlfriend.” “To relieve stress.” “Because I am a man and I can.” “Sometimes I watch it with my girlfriend.” “To check out a new technique.” “My girlfriend refuses to give me a blowjob, so I watch it on porn.” “If women expect men to stop fantasising about sex, then women should stop daydreaming about romance.”

Women generally object to pornography because they regard it as an exploitation of the female body and everything associated with that topic; because they feel their own bodies compare inadequately with those of the porn models’ and because they regard it as cheating.

Most of the men concur that they do not compare the bodies of the porn models and actresses with the bodies of their wives and girlfriends. Given the choice of whom they would rather make love to, they all answer they desire their girlfriends and wives. “My wife is a real person. If I have sex with a porn model, I might as well have sex with a blow-up doll. She is not real. My wife does not act in bed. Her enjoyment is real. That is a real turn-on to me.” “Only an insecure girl would be jealous of the body of a porn model and insecurity is a major turn-off. It’s the same as a woman only wanting to make love in the dark. I want to see her. My body is not perfect either, but it provides me with much pleasure. Hopefully she feels the same about her body,” said another.

The men also concur that watching pornography is not cheating. “Watching porn is a natural male activity, it actually has nothing to do with her. I do it in private and she should respect my privacy regarding this. If I wanted to cheat on her, I would break up with her.” Most men also advise that a woman should be grateful her man rather watches pornography, than seeking relief from a sex-worker or having an affair.

Some women like watching pornography with their partners and the general consensus among men is that they appreciate this. Not every time, but now and then it can offer variety and spice. Usually they may start watching a pornography DVD and then really get into their partners to the extent that they completely forget about the DVD.

How would one determine if a man is addicted to pornography? Generally in psychology the definition of an addiction or fetish is when a person prefers this activity to having normal sexual contact with another adult. In other words, if a man prefers watching pornography to actually having sex with his partner. Other indications of an addiction is when a person spends an unusual amount of time and money on an activity, to the extent that it interferes with their daily functioning and leads to financial debt. When watching and collecting pornography supersedes any other interests, sports and hobbies, we may have a problem. Continuously watching pornography may also lead to increasing curiosity and desiring more devious sexual practices. Adult mature men know the boundaries and they can distinguish between fantasy and reality.

Last word on pornography: Generally women would prefer men do not watch pornography. Generally men would prefer women not to have periods. Live with it.

Advice to the nineteen year old girl: Don’t lose your man because he is a man.

Impotency

As men mature, their virility is still very important to them, but they realise their health is important too. Women are not so concerned if he fails to rise to the occasion in bed now and then. It may be mortifying to men, but it is not to the women. Women know what it feels like to be too tired. Anyway there are other ways to make her happy or just cuddle. What would raise her concern is when the state of his general health or his negligence in taking care of himself, is the cause of his lack of libido. If he does not manage his stress levels it can lead to ulcers, diabetes, heart attacks or strokes. That is very serious to her.

When the mind or body is under stress, it releases the cheetahs – adrenalin – to produce glucose as fuel. However adrenalin is a short term solution. If the stressful events are prolonged and severe, the adrenals release the wild dogs – cortisol. Cortisol is a catabolic steroid, which counters the effects of the anabolic steroid testosterone and it inhibits the production of sperm. Like a pack of greedy, hungry wild dogs, it attacks the body in its crazed need for fuel. It converts muscles into amino acids, breaks glycogen down into glucose and fat cells into free fatty acids. Where as it will at first increase arousal, it will soon enough attack the immune system and cause an all systems break-down. Libido is not just a sexual energy. It is an elixir.

Quite often men downplay serious health issues due to their egos. They refuse to visit psychologists, urologists, cardiologists and neurologists. Don’t be stupid! Would you want your wife to be obstinate and refuse to visit an oncologist when she has been diagnosed with breast cancer?

Attraction

It is true that men are initially physically attracted to what they see. However, they also agree a sustainable relationship does not depend solely upon physical appearance. A woman too preoccupied with her own body and beauty will lose her man as she is paying too much attention to her body and not to him. On the other hand a woman who neglects her own body is also not attractive, for she may neglect him too. It is true that most men are not attracted to overweight girls, but most of them are also reasonable. They don’t all expect the women to look like models. They are not that concerned with every blemish or centimetre of cellulite, as long as there is fun in bed. Remember the actor who said there are many beautiful girls but very few interesting girls. Men do not want to be embarrassed by the women at their side, just as women want to be proud of their heroes.

The stereotypical “men are just interested in a woman’s looks”, is as false as the saying that women are just interested in a man’s money. Some very affluent men also happen to be very interesting, intelligent and sexy and it may just be these attributes that attract interesting women to them, and not just their money. It may be that their determination, shrewd business sense, hard work, ethics, wit and strategic thinking that enabled them to make that money, also make them attractive to like-minded women. Some people attach a high premium to physical looks, others attach more value to materialism and others appreciate intellect or humour. Attraction is ideosyncratic. So is sexual chemistry. Overweight women with panache and confidence may not be as beautiful as their skinny superficial sisters, but they are often more attractive. (By the way, not all skinny, beautiful girls are superficial.)

Last word on the virile Hero. One man explained to me how he feels when he makes love to his wife. “I am standing in front of her, stripped of my armour, naked with only my manhood to defend my honour. I am vulnerable. She can castrate and destroy me in an instant with a look or a word. I take the risk because I desire her. And I desire that she desires me, as I desire her. I need to see it in her eyes, feel it in her touch, on her breath, her voice, the essence of her body. If she reciprocates my desire, I feel nurtured, invigorated
and my energy is regenerated. I am a man. I will do anything for her, grant her every wish and I will protect her. When I feel loved, as expressed by the physical act of love, I open up and I want to talk to her, share with her and dream with her. Making love to the woman you love, is not just a physical act. It is a spiritual experience, giving meaning to manhood.” Wow.

Read more about: The Male Endocrine System