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Virile Heroes – Pornography


(I am not discussing the topic of child pornography or other illegal activities in t
his book. Please refer to one of my other books on crime. I am also not entering into a discussion about the morality of pornography. I am discussing adult men’s views on the topic.)


Case example

One young lady of 19 years caught her boyfriend watching pornography on his laptop. She was bitterly upset. In the ensuing (one-sided) argument, she raised the fear that since she was a virgin before they slept together, perhaps her love making was inadequate, and that he compared the bodies of the porn-models to hers. Her self-esteem crashed. He was mortified and felt like a pervert. She expected him to promise to never-ever watch pornography again.


Most of the men who read this case study, just shook their heads. “If she wants him to promise never to watch porn, she should promise him never to have a bad mood during PMS,” said one. “But PMS is a biological female function she has no control over,” I answered. “So is watching porn to a man, it’s a biological need,” he answered.

Most men grow up watching pornography, since their teenage years. A man’s sexual sense is visual. That is why there is such a major pornography industry catering 99% to male viewers. They also masturbate since their teenage years and naturally turn to pornography as visual stimulation. Teenage girls masturbate too, by the way. Teenagers watch pornography because they are curious about sex and the female or male bodies. Teenage boys are brimming with hormones and curiosity. Sexual prowess, virility and experience are benchmarks of manhood and just as they compete on sports fields, they compete in this as well. It is part of being a man. Young men masturbate much more than young women do. They may even masturbate in the shower, right after they had sex with their girlfriends, just because they are aroused by the warm water, or the memory of what just happened. The poor young woman may jump to the conclusion that she was “not good enough.” “Just join him in the shower, sweetheart,” advise the older men.

As men grow older and mature, their interest in pornography may wane. They may watch it once a week, once a month or just every now and again. I asked them what would be the main reasons and they answered: “Just because I am bored.” “There is no current woman available, ie girlfriend.” “To relieve stress.” “Because I am a man and I can.” “Sometimes I watch it with my girlfriend.” “To check out a new technique.” “My girlfriend refuses to give me a blowjob, so I watch it on porn.” “If women expect men to stop fantasising about sex, then women should stop daydreaming about romance.”

Women generally object to pornography because they regard it as an exploitation of the female body and everything associated with that topic; because they feel their own bodies compare inadequately with those of the porn models’ and because they regard it as cheating.

Most of the men concur that they do not compare the bodies of the porn models and actresses with the bodies of their wives and girlfriends. Given the choice of whom they would rather make love to, they all answer they desire their girlfriends and wives. “My wife is a real person. If I have sex with a porn model, I might as well have sex with a blow-up doll. She is not real. My wife does not act in bed. Her enjoyment is real. That is a real turn-on to me.” “Only an insecure girl would be jealous of the body of a porn model and insecurity is a major turn-off. It’s the same as a woman only wanting to make love in the dark. I want to see her. My body is not perfect either, but it provides me with much pleasure. Hopefully she feels the same about her body,” said another.

The men also concur that watching pornography is not cheating. “Watching porn is a natural male activity, it actually has nothing to do with her. I do it in private and she should respect my privacy regarding this. If I wanted to cheat on her, I would break up with her.” Most men also advise that a woman should be grateful her man rather watches pornography, than seeking relief from a sex-worker or having an affair.

Some women like watching pornography with their partners and the general consensus among men is that they appreciate this. Not every time, but now and then it can offer variety and spice. Usually they may start watching a pornography DVD and then really get into their partners to the extent that they completely forget about the DVD.

How would one determine if a man is addicted to pornography? Generally in psychology the definition of an addiction or fetish is when a person prefers this activity to having normal sexual contact with another adult. In other words, if a man prefers watching pornography to actually having sex with his partner. Other indications of an addiction is when a person spends an unusual amount of time and money on an activity, to the extent that it interferes with their daily functioning and leads to financial debt. When watching and collecting pornography supersedes any other interests, sports and hobbies, we may have a problem. Continuously watching pornography may also lead to increasing curiosity and desiring more devious sexual practices. Adult mature men know the boundaries and they can distinguish between fantasy and reality.

Last word on pornography: Generally women would prefer men do not watch pornography. Generally men would prefer women not to have periods. Live with it.

Advice to the nineteen year old girl: Don’t lose your man because he is a man.


Virile Heroes – Impotency


As men mature, their virility is still very important to them, but they realise their health is important too. Women are not so concerned if he fails to rise to the occasion in bed now and then. It may be mortifying to men, but it is not to the women. Women know what it feels like to be too tired. Anyway there are other ways to make her happy or just cuddle. What would raise her concern is when the state of his general health or his negligence in taking care of himself, is the cause of his lack of libido. If he does not manage his stress levels it can lead to ulcers, diabetes, heart attacks or strokes. That is very serious to her.

When the mind or body is under stress, it releases the cheetahs – adrenalin – to produce glucose as fuel. However adrenalin is a short term solution. If the stressful events are prolonged and severe, the adrenals release the wild dogs – cortisol. Cortisol is a catabolic steroid, which counters the effects of the anabolic steroid testosterone and it inhibits the production of sperm. Like a pack of greedy, hungry wild dogs, it attacks the body in its crazed need for fuel. It converts muscles into amino acids, breaks glycogen down into glucose and fat cells into free fatty acids. Where as it will at first increase arousal, it will soon enough attack the immune system and cause an all systems break-down. Libido is not just a sexual energy. It is an elixir.

Quite often men downplay serious health issues due to their egos. They refuse to visit psychologists, urologists, cardiologists and neurologists. Don’t be stupid! Would you want your wife to be obstinate and refuse to visit an oncologist when she has been diagnosed with breast cancer?


It is true that men are initially physically attracted to what they see. However, they also agree a sustainable relationship does not depend solely upon physical appearance. A woman too preoccupied with her own body and beauty will lose her man as she is paying too much attention to her body and not to him. On the other hand a woman who neglects her own body is also not attractive, for she may neglect him too. It is true that most men are not attracted to overweight girls, but most of them are also reasonable. They don’t all expect the women to look like models. They are not that concerned with every blemish or centimetre of cellulite, as long as there is fun in bed. Remember the actor who said there are many beautiful girls but very few interesting girls. Men do not want to be embarrassed by the women at their side, just as women want to be proud of their heroes.

The stereotypical “men are just interested in a woman’s looks”, is as false as the saying that women are just interested in a man’s money. Some very affluent men also happen to be very interesting, intelligent and sexy and it may just be these attributes that attract interesting women to them, and not just their money. It may be that their determination, shrewd business sense, hard work, ethics, wit and strategic thinking that enabled them to make that money, also make them attractive to like-minded women. Some people attach a high premium to physical looks, others attach more value to materialism and others appreciate intellect or humour. Attraction is ideosyncratic. So is sexual chemistry. Overweight women with panache and confidence may not be as beautiful as their skinny superficial sisters, but they are often more attractive. (By the way, not all skinny, beautiful girls are superficial.)

Last word on the virile Hero. One man explained to me how he feels when he makes love to his wife. “I am standing in front of her, stripped of my armour, naked with only my manhood to defend my honour. I am vulnerable. She can castrate and destroy me in an instant with a look or a word. I take the risk because I desire her. And I desire that she desires me, as I desire her. I need to see it in her eyes, feel it in her touch, on her breath, her voice, the essence of her body. If she reciprocates my desire, I feel nurtured, invigorated
and my energy is regenerated. I am a man. I will do anything for her, grant her every wish and I will protect her. When I feel loved, as expressed by the physical act of love, I open up and I want to talk to her, share with her and dream with her. Making love to the woman you love, is not just a physical act. It is a spiritual experience, giving meaning to manhood.” Wow.

pantheonRead more about: The Male Endocrine System


Pathological Relationships – Abusive men

From bad to pathological, the incredulous stuff

Certain human emotions lead to dangerous pathological behaviour. Rejection sensitive, insecure, overly dependent, immature, angry, jealous and possessive people are damaged. Damaged people are dangerous. Remember, one cannot expect rational behaviour from an irrational mind. I repeat: Damaged people are dangerous. You cannot fix them. A chemical imbalance in the brain cannot be loved away. They need professional help.

Abusive men

Some men are born with a remote control in their hands instead of a rattle. They honestly still believe that due to their anatomical gender they are ordained to lord it over their women. I met a man who told me he was upset that his girlfriend dared to talk to other people at a dance, without his permission. No girl had ever done that to him before, he assured me. She had to keep eye contact with him when they went out for dinner and if her eyes strayed, he would call her a whore. His inferiority complex actually marched into a room ahead of him and announced him. She asked me if I thought there was something wrong with him. Run, baby, run. Some women tend to think if she loves him enough, he may change. If he does not love himself enough to be a true hero, then your love is not enough, sweetheart.

Some men tend to think that if they are right, everybody else is wrong. Again, recall my example if the world was filled with billions of clones of YOU, it would be a very boring place. These men insist on arguing and raising their voices, until everybody else in the company finally keeps quiet. They are not keeping quiet because they agree with you, they are keeping quiet because they realise the absolute futility of talking to you. Go home.

Even other men regard these men as obnoxious jerks. The jerks then fall victim to the “betrayal” syndrome. His friends did not betray him, they left because they had enough of an arrogant know-it-all twit. This is often also the same guy whose girlfriend left him “in his darkest hour” which should read “his foulest mood.”

The above are usually also the men who feel they can only solve a disagreement, or get people to do what they want them to do, by threats and violence. Men are aggressive by nature, but if they cannot control their tempers, they are in the same league as those emotionally out of control women who cut their wrists every time they don’t get what they want. These men are usually cowards among true heroes. Violence, cruelty and bullying are not characteristic of a true hero. Men do not have to be macho tough to be heroes.


Pathological Relationships – Feisty vixens

Feisty vixens

MedusaSome women have the notion that to throw objects at men, break things, scratch cars, break windows, damage his clothes, burn his books, etc is feisty behaviour. It is not feisty, it is not cute and it is not sexy. It is tacky behaviour and it is unlawful.

Just for the record so is breaking and entering, climbing over walls and fences and forcing doors open, even if she did share the house before. So is opening someone’s mail, hacking into their emails, downloading secret tracker devices on phones and cars without the owner’s permission, diverting their calls and messages, and publishing defamatory comments on Facebook. Demanding someone’s attention and actually using violence or force or a weapon such as a tazer gun to enforce it, is unlawful. Pointing a firearm, firing a firearm in a built-up area, and keeping an unlicensed firearm is unlawful. Biting, scratching, hitting, slapping and pushing someone around is assault and unlawful. Chasing someone with a car is unlawful.

Restricting a person’s movements and holding them hostage or locking them up in a place against their will is unlawful. Stealing a car or taking property that does not belong to you, is unlawful. “Donating” his clothes to charity without his permission, is unlawful. Lying under oath and making false accusations is unlawful. Contravening a protection order is unlawful. Now you know. Just in case anyone thought it was acceptable to do this, or that they could get away with it forever. I wish more people would actually prosecute.

Anything one posts on Facebook and Twitter and other social media is considered published and one can be sued for libel, racism, hate speech, etc, which are all unlawful. Even if you just like or repost someone else’s defamatory remark, you can be prosecuted. People do have a right to privacy. Do not publish or tag their photo’s without their permission.

Literally sending hundreds of SMSes’, missed calls, messages and whats-apps is obsessive compulsive behaviour. It is a mental disorder. Calling a current or ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend, his friends, parents, family members, boss and colleagues and spreading defamatory libel is unlawful. Turning up uninvited or “coincidentally” at places he frequents, following him and sitting in a parked car outside his residence or turning up and causing havoc at his place of work or home can constitute harassment and stalking behaviour. Stalking and harassing someone is unlawful. This means there are laws against it. One can be sentenced to jail for several years for it.

Checking his phone, emails and rifling through his cupboards is sneaky. If he wants her to know something he will tell her. Or she can just ask him. If he trusts her and opens his life to her, he will voluntarily share his Facebook profile with her, probably tell her where he goes and whom he meets. Even happily married couples have a right to freedom of movement and privacy. They voluntarily share information, they are not obliged to. Respecting privacy does not necessarily imply keeping secrets from each other.

The above examples are all behaviour I have observed and encountered, executed by women – supposedly normal girls whom men date. This is what one man refers to as his girlfriend “going mental”.

I have also encountered similar behaviour from men, but then I need to add the one incident where the man set the woman’s house on fire. That is unlawful too.

I do not deny that anger, pain and anguish are very real emotions, but no matter what the intensity of those emotions, is does not justify acting-out unlawful behaviour. You are not above the law. Get therapy please, or you may just get a sentence.


Pathological Relationships – The Rescuer (continued)

The Rescuer (continued)

Subconsciously some men are attracted to such a narcissistic woman, because it provides a welcome alternative to the women who usually make hím the nucleus of their existence. If it is all about her, then he can be the Hero, fulfilling her needs. That makes him feel good, and wow, the sex is good. However, that narcissism needs to be constantly fed, and she feeds on him. The narcissism actually camouflages a deep seated dependency and desperate neediness.

There is another neuro-psychological theory explaining the seemingly narcissistic behaviour of the damsel in distress / victim, who is solely focussed on having all her needs gratified and shows no empathy for the suffering Rescuer. The anterior cingulate cortex of our brains integrates cognitive and emotional information. It assists us with interpreting emotional signals from other people – it is the emotional intelligence part – and it activates our fear of rejection. When it is damaged, it reduces our expression of empathy.

Another part of the brain involved in directing the behaviour of the damsel in distress is the amygdala. Emotional instability and cognitive impulsiveness are behavioural manifestations of the amygdala, which reacts severely to negative stimuli. The amygdala attaches severe negative emotions to memory. A lack of serotonin in the frontal cortex inhibits the amygdala and impairs the ability to evaluate, integrate and act on cues from the environment. It also prevents both the Rescuer and the damsel in distress from ceasing responding to unhealthy stimuli and returning to healthy stimuli.

There is a psychological phenomena called disorganised attachment style, characterised by ambivalent behaviour. As children, these women were probably emotionally impoverished, which can literally cause an increase in the size of the amygdala. When the dopamine levels in the amygdala fluctuate, it causes the extreme fear of rejection, which leads to totally irrational behaviour. “I will love her more and promise never to leave her,” he reasons, but no amount of love can cure a chemical imbalance in the brain.

I ask these men their opinions about women who return to abusive men who hit them. “They are crazy to go back, it is ridiculous and makes no sense for them to go back,” is the general consensus. “Then how come you return to the woman who emotionally abuses you?” I ask. “Somehow, the moment I am with her again and I hold her in my arms, I immediately forget all the hurtful things she has done to me,” states one Rescuer. Oxytocin, the powerful cuddle hormone, inhibits some memory consolidation and increases positive social memory. This may be the reason why we forget and forgive the hurtful things done to us by people we love. Oxytocin overrides the rational neo-cortex warning us. The trick is in not going back at all and to avoid that situation where the oxytocin is released.

In an experiment involving rats, every time the rat presses a lever, he gets a food pellet. However if the dispenser completely stops giving the rat a pellet, he becomes despondent and gives up completely. When he is randomly rewarded with a pellet, he becomes almost addicted to pressing that lever. When the damsel in distress rewards the Rescuer now and again with a smile or approval, he becomes addicted to her and keeps on trying harder and harder to please her, despite not getting a “pellet” most of the time.

These women have serious abandonment issues. Sooner rather than later, he realises he is trapped and his life energy is being sapped and he wants to get out. Instinctively she recognises the alarm signals, and she grows more tentacles. Often she falls pregnant to trap him or she already has a child or two to string along. I know of one woman who has four different children with four different fathers and still the men do not catch on. Such a woman falls pregnant deliberately in an attempt to tie him to her. The moment he makes it quite clear that he has no intention of marrying her, or when he insists on a paternity test, she aborts the foetus. Some of these women have the baby, purely to have a lifelong hold and connection with the man. They will callously use the child to play on his guilt complex and to bleed him dry with maintenance. FOR EVER.

The men are just too scared to tell her outright to leave, because then the women “go mental.” The men feel like anti-heroes for “hurting her feelings”. These Rescuers then try to justify their situations by convincing themselves that the women truly need them and that it’s not that bad. It is that bad. As a matter of fact, it is worse. Then they try the bad behaviour tactic, hoping she would break up with him. Forget it. She won’t. She will just make your life more miserable. In the meantime he is still getting the incredible sex, and she gets all cuddly and cute afterwards (when the oxytocin is flowing).

Then he wakes up in the middle of the night to find her downloading all the info on his phone and transferring his computer data to hers and she sends rude and nasty messages to his ex-girlfriends and his female buddy under his name. When he confronts her she cuts her wrists, because she “loves him so much and she can’t stand the thought of living without him.” She makes him promise he will not leave her and then banks on the knowledge that he would despise himself if he breaks his word, for the sad thing is, the Rescuers are often honourable men. Terribly misguided, but honourable.

When she cuts her wrists, or “freaks out”, please take her to hospital and since she is out of your house, pack her stuff, change the locks and leave her stuff with the friend she stayed with originally. Go to hospital and tell her. She cannot commit suicide in a hospital. Inform her therapist.

Also tell her you are going on vacation, you will not be at home and you are not going to take her calls. Go to a safe place, alert a security company to look after your house, alert your friends, and DON’T TAKE HER CALLS or respond to the messages. When such people are rejected, their egos react by turning up the volume. If you can resist this turned up volume and just sit it out, they will eventually tire and turn their attentions to someone else.

Advice regarding that stray cat: Put the cat out. She will meow and growl and scratch at your door and try to sneak in when you leave a window open, but eventually she will leave and don’t worry, some other sucker will take her home.

They are locked in a deadly dance, until he breaks away. Breaking an addiction implies a period of extreme withdrawal symptoms, but eventually he will form new neuropaths and alternative behaviour, develop a sense of self worth, and attract a woman with self worth.

I agree that these women need help. Professional help. Some of them, however, visit psychologists not for the purpose of healing and coming to terms with their hurt, but only as an added bonus to elicit sympathy. Men would be advised not to get involved with these women, but to wait until she completes therapy. A professional therapist may guide her to reach a point of forgiveness, healing and maturity, where she has gained insight into her manipulative behaviour, learnt that she cannot control another human being with her own disturbed emotions, learnt to love herself, and where she is prepared to give and receive freely, without scorn.

We all encounter emotional obstacles in life, in one way or another. No one is exempt from pain, loneliness, heartbreak, betrayal, loss, rejection, abandonment, ridicule or trauma in various forms and intensities. To the women who recognise themselves in the above scenarios, please get professional help.

Find a therapist who will attend to your pain, who will walk the road with you, who will guide you to find your own true north and help you to liberate yourself from unrealistic expectations, who will develop your insight into your own manipulative behaviour. Manipulative behaviour holds no true benefit for you. A good therapist will assist you in finding the core and becoming the stable, mature woman you were meant to be. Would you not rather one day want a man who stays with you willingly, because you are adorable?

And to the Rescuers out there, please don’t waste your valuable heroism in a bottomless pit.



Pathological Relationships – The Rescuer

The Rescuer

I have referred to the Rescuer, earlier. Some men confuse being a Hero with the archetype of the Rescuer. They always walk into the trap and feel the need to rescue dependent, oversensitive, emotionally unstable women. These are often the women who slice at their arms when the men walk out. These women need to be treated “sensitively” because they have emotional troubles. Eventually their emotional oversensitivity consumes the man, who ends up counting his words and walking on egg shells, lest he upsets her. These are often the men who are motivated by those deep seated guilt complexes.

The oversensitive, “damsel in distress” adopts a victim mode and gets secondary gain from the man’s “handle her with gloves” behaviour. The man reinforces the victim mode. If he does not pay attention to her, dance to her fiddle and compensate for her “sensitivity”, she pouts, sulks, scolds, bites, withdraws and punishes him relentlessly in several ways.

In such a manner she skilfully manipulates him into becoming her puppet, catering to her every emotional whim. She alienates and isolates him from his friends and family. The moment he indicates he needs a breather and time-out with his friends, she creates some drama he has to attend to. She has absolutely no tolerance for his female buddy and often issues an ultimatum to him in this regard.

Sometimes insecure men prefer to rescue these “broken wing” women, because these men find normal, stable, mature women a threat to their own fragile egos. Some men I interviewed immediately recognise this female behaviour as pathetic manipulation tactics.

“No matter if you turn left or right, it would always be the wrong choice,” said a recovered ex-Rescuer, “I always felt as if I was in trouble, no matter what.” Another man described this relationship as a Big Black Hole. “She remains the centre of this hole and you just get sucked into the nothingness, losing yourself completely.”

The Greek hero Thesseus entered the labyrinth at Knossos to find and slay the Minotaur, but his love, the princess Ariadne, gave him a ball of string to guide his way out. Unlike Thesseus, the Rescuer eventually becomes a mouse in a maze who can never find his way out. Unlike Ariadne, who aided her lover, this victim-woman finds pleasure in placing obstacles in his path. Where there was a path yesterday, and he ventures there today, she has moved a thorny bush in his way. He may buy her roses because he knows they are her favourite flowers, but when he buys them again, he gets berated for spending too much money.

There is no order, no pattern, no route, but he desperately tries to figure it out, against the odds. “You need to fight for me,” she calls, but at some stage a tournament is won and the victor is rewarded with the lady’s scarf. Not the poor Rescuer lost in the labyrinth. He will never reach the epicentre of the labyrinth and be rewarded the peace and tranquillity one is supposed to find in a mature relationship. Eventually he sinks down and covers his face for he can no longer face the futility of the madness of trying to please her. Hopefully he has friends who can rescue him, or a good therapist. Remember the sayings: If you want to feel good, then you have to let go of bad feelings,” and “you cannot start a new chapter if you keep on reading the last chapter.” To save himself, a Rescuer HAS TO LET GO. Don’t just walk away… run like hell.

There is a neuro-psychological theory explaining the Rescuer-Victim duet. The hypothalamus in the brain produces chemicals (peptides) which match our emotions such as anger, sadness, victimization, lust etc. and our bodies respond in a pre-programmed manner to these chemicals. When we become addicted to these emotions, or states of being, we will subconsciously attract someone or something to the brain cell which gratifies the bio-chemical craving of the cell.

A woman with victim-mode peptides will always attract a situation that would gratify their sense of being the victim. The Rescuer will always be drawn to the “damsel in distress” for it fulfils his brain’s biological craving to rescue. If one cannot change one’s emotional state, one is addicted to it. Breaking an addiction requires effort, and you cannot expect your life to change, if you are not prepared and willing to make the change.


Case example

He meets her in a bar. She is quite sexy, and has a certain vulnerability about her. Perhaps she had a tad too much to drink. Clearly she needs protection. He takes her home – his home. She is not that drunk, he finds out, when she seduces him. It is wild sex. He can hardly believe his luck. The next morning he offers to take her home. (She has already sussed out his car, wrist watch and his abode. “I can live here”, she thinks).

She is currently crashing at a friend’s place, because she recently lost her job, because her boss was sexually harassing her, so she resigned. “Don’t worry,” she says, “I will find a place to stay and a job.” He calls her later, fantasizing about that wild sex. She does not take his call. She went for a job interview, she tells him later. As a bar lady. It’s not ideal, she explains and her house mate is kicking her out and she needs the work to get her own place. “It is not ideal at all,” he answers, “why don’t you move in with me in the mean time? I will take care of you.” Gotcha.


Our parents warned us: Don’t pick up stray cats. They have fleas, they stay in our homes and fall pregnant and it is very difficult to get rid of them.

Victim-women have more staying power than super glue. They are master manipulators. At first she rewards him with great sex for rescuing her. Then she starts becoming extremely pathologically possessive and jealous and he has to report his every move to her. It is a major catastrophe when she can’t get hold of him immediately and then like an AK47 rifle set on automatic rapid fire, she blasts him with hundreds of SMS messages per minute.

She scowls every time he responds to someone else’s sms and she scrutinises his phone to check who called. She checks his whats-app sign-on times and compares them to sign-on and sign-off times of perceived female rivals. She tries her very best to get hold of his cell phone and deciphers his passwords. She keeps tabs on his car’s mileage and intercepts his bank statements and cell phone records. She consumes him and drains him, but he becomes addicted to the crazy sex. “These women f*** as if it is the last time in their lives. It is wild, but also desperate and there are no deeper feelings involved,” said one recovering Rescuer. In some sad, sad cases, there is not even any sex at all.


Pathological Relationships – Rogues



Anybody wanting to read about serial killers, stalkers, rapists, child molestors, paedophiles, and women who kill can refer to my other books. In this section I would like to discuss the despicable antics men and women get up to in everyday relationships, often breaking the law, but getting away with it.


Let’s discuss the annoying bad behaviour first before we get to the serious stuff. Most wives more or less have the same standard complaints about husbands:

Major complaint: When a woman asks a man to do something for her, he forgets, postpones, does it grudgingly or just does not do it. Did she ask nicely? Most women say they do ask nicely the first time. Not so nicely the third time. Men are always busy with something more important. Filing the taxes, calculating the family budget or preparing litigation due for court the following day, is important.

Completing a computer game is not. She is your wife. You committed to doing things you don’t want to do. Man-up. You would expect her to interrupt her television programme if you needed her attention. So please, when she asks nicely, just get up and do it for her. I am asking nicely.

Serious complaint: Men talk to their wives as if they are stupid. They are impatient and grumpy and condescending. They seem to justify the reasoning that because they are tired, they are entitled to be grumpy, patronising or just plain rude. Is there then the understanding that she can refuse sex because she is too tired? Or because she dislikes making love to a grumpy old wretch.

He considered her to have a brain when he asked her to marry him, so why would he insult her intelligence now? This is especially bad when men belittle or patronise their wives in company. Nobody thinks he is the hero for talking to her like that, quite the contrary. “You are the anti-hero. Did you learn to be bitchy from your mother?”

Men don’t help in the home. If both work, both help. Get up, man-up.

Many men use women just for sex. True. Many women use sex as a weapon. Also true.

Men cheat – so do women. Men lie – so do women. Men drink – so do women. Men yell – so do women. Men abuse drugs – so do women.

Husbands’ general complaints about wives’ bad behaviour is that they nag, sulk, flirt with other men, check up on their men unnecessarily, become needy, bitchy, bossy, talk in THAT TONE OF VOICE, tell them what to do and they withhold sex.


Heroes in Love – Insecurities


insecuritiesMen often say they adore a woman with self confidence. If she acts confidently, he knows he will be privileged to have her as his girlfriend. She will be a great girlfriend to have. Believe this. Hesitate in any sense, and he smells the fear and runs. Some men say as soon as a woman feels insecure about the relationship or gets needy, she smells differently. Men instinctively withdraw when her smell changes. They can smell the fear. One of the biggest mistakes a woman can make is to be scared to lose a man. Once she inhibits her behaviour, or her standards, because she is scared she may lose him, she has lost it. The same apply to men, who are scared to lose the woman. I’m not talking about improving bad habits, I am referring to pretending to be the perfect partner and sacrificing one’s own preferences.

It works both ways though. When a man is insecure and is jealous and overly possessive, he is subconsciously signalling that he does not believe in his own capacity to keep her interest. He projects himself as a weakling and perceives other men as threats and he is not capable of protecting her. If a man feels insecure in the company of other men it makes the woman feel unsafe. Also if his aggression elicits a counter attack from other men, she feels even more vulnerable and unprotected. If he is beaten, she becomes prey. Aggressive men are not attractive.

Self-confident strong men are. It’s fine for a man to know he wants a woman and to show it – it is a sign of confidence. A little possessiveness is fine, a woman prefers others to know they are a couple. Jealous, acting-out behaviour and false accusations are not attractive. Neither are actions such as checking cell phones, opening someone else’s mail, usurping emails, cracking passwords, tracking cars and other stalking behaviour. One woman thought it was acceptable to delete all the women on his Facebook friends list. The world population is roughly divided 50-50 between men and women. So take it for granted that your partner is going to cross paths with a member of the opposite sex somewhere, some time, somehow… Not every encounter between a man and a woman is a sexual encounter or a threat to the relationship. Deal with it.

Insecurities are like shadows on the wall. When we were small we created shapes with our hands in the candlelight, casting huge monster shadows on the wall. These are metaphors for INSECURITIES. When we trace the origin of the insecurity back to the scared little girl or boy in the corner, we need to take that child on to our lap and tell them what a success we have made of their lives so far.

Then the insecurities dissipate. Don’t be scared of the shadows on the wall. It’s like Don Quixote fighting windmills. Men like women with confidence and vice versa. Women like it when men do things for them, but they don’t like men who are too subservient. Too many women are bossy, but deep down they don’t like it. I strongly disagree that men should dominate and humiliate women, but women also do not have respect for the men they can boss around. It does not make them feel safe. Neither do the men who bully the women. We will discuss this topic later in more detail.

There is a difference between insecurities and vulnerabilities. We all have vulnerabilities, even men. If a woman has vulnerabilities, it does not necessarily mean she is needy. Insecurity equates to neediness. Vulnerable means she needs a Hero. There is a difference. A man will not expose his vulnerabilities to a woman he distrusts. Men are adamant: If he entrusted the woman with his feelings and secrets, she should not use it against him.

Mens’ greatest fear is of being a disappointment. When he disappoints a woman, he is guilt ridden. It originates from the little boy not wanting to disappoint his mother. A woman’s greatest fear is abandonment. It generates needy behaviour. If her father abandons her, the wolves can devour her. So to men it is often fear of disappointment and the terrible guilt feelings that motivate them to certain inexplicable behaviours and to women it is often the fear of abandonment that drives them to become needy and clingy and manipulative.

The difference between “No” and rejection, is one’s personal level of emotional maturity or emotional insecurity. An emotionally mature person can accept when another person is not attracted to them. It’s simply a matter of taste. An emotionally insecure person will interpret the “No thank you” as a rejection. If you are rejection sensitive, get help. Insecure needy women attract Rescuers.

The problem is he will never be able to cure her insecurities. He will always try harder to placate her and never succeed, which feeds his fear of disappointment. Eventually they end up as two bitterly unhappy people, who resent and detest each other. Therapy can address insecurities and guide the person to resolve them. No one else can conquer insecurities but you.

Remote control behaviour

Trying to control another person is comparable to holding the television remote in your hand. You can fast forward, rewind, mute and freeze a television screen shot. You cannot remote control another human being. They are humans, not robots. If their feelings are hurt, you cannot fast forward them to “just get over it.” Nor can you fast forward them to feel more than they are currently feeling.

You can’t rewind and take back the hurtful things you said or did. You can’t mute them by not truly listening or negating their point of view and you cannot mute yourself because you are scared of losing them or alienating them. Perhaps you can adjust your own volume and tone of voice to soften the blow and be considerate.

You can’t freeze a relationship to status quo forever. It either has to develop or dissolve. One adult cannot tell or order another adult about what to do. Being together is a voluntary attachment, not an obligation which excludes free will. You can change your own channel, if you wish. Too many people imagine themselves as puppet-masters and are totally amazed when their partners finally revolt.

A last word on dating: When a man truly wants to be with a woman, he will make a plan, even move mountains, to be with her. If he is not with her, then there is a reason for it. A man is quite capable of loving a woman, but not wanting to be with her. This does not make sense to a woman. It can make sense to a man. I did not say it is fair.



Heroes in Love – Best female friends

Best female friends

A man cannot easily discuss his latest romantic interest with his best male friend. He discusses her with his best female friend. Only his best female friend – his female buddy – can interpret and analyse the new girl’s behaviours and advise him on what to do next. Only a female friend can alert him to typical female games, manipulations, flirting techniques and pathological behaviour.

Who is this female confidante who shares his inner secrets? Perhaps she is an ex-lover or perhaps she has always remained a platonic friend. Whatever the case, she now holds a key position in his life. Men value loyalty. When they put their lives on the line on the battlefields, they need to know that they can trust their friends – their comrades and allies – therefore they really put a high premium on loyalty. They are as loyal to their female friends. Woe to the new girlfriend who criticises the female buddy, or who experiences and treats her as a romantic threat. Remember, the female friend is in his tribe, and he will protect her. They are “Brothers in Arms”, not “Lovers in Arms”.

Most new girlfriends do not understand that they probably need the female friend’s stamp of approval, before he makes a serious commitment to the girlfriend. Men have wisened up to the fact that friendships endure much longer than romances. Therefore they treasure their female buddies. Usually a man has one serious female confidante and then a few female buddies.

When women fall in love, they tend to neglect their friends and spend most of their time with the new boyfriend. Men do this to a lesser degree. He may not be able to stay away from the new romantic interest at first, but sooner or later, he needs his girl buddy to touch base, catch up and compare notes. Men do not reveal everything to their romantic interests, but they do share almost everything with the girl buddy.

Understandably women may find this girl buddy a threat. I ask these women: “Do you not have a male buddy whom you discuss your boyfriend with?” Of course they do. And their boyfriends may not like this, at all, but we all have to cope and live with it.

The best buddy is the one who visits you in hospital, who helps you move, accompanies you to the vet when you have to put down a beloved pet, drives you home when you had too much to drink, gives you advice on the car or cell phone you should buy, or which flowers suit which occasion, and tells you when you are getting fat. Sometimes they gym together and go for a beer.

There are rules though. It’s not fair for buddies to refer too much to “the good ole times” and thereby exclude the newcomer, especially not if the buddies happened to be lovers before. The role of the female buddy is to make the male look good in the eyes of his new girlfriend. A true girl buddy will give the new girlfriend a chance, if she thinks the girlfriend stands a chance of making her male friend happy. If she suspects the new girlfriend is going to harm her male friend – no chance – the claws come out.

Just as men will sincerely protect their female friends and warn her against dating an ass, so they should value the advice of their female buddy re their new girlfriend, who may be a feisty vixen or a “broken-wing” in disguise.

It does happen sometimes, that both genders realise that the best buddy is actually the person they have been in love with all along. Friends for life can become partners for life too.


Best buddies aside, there is still the matter of territory. It’s acceptable for best buddies to hug when they greet each other, but it’s not acceptable to hold on to each other. The new romantic interest has a place reserved right next to the man, but she need not cling to him to claim him. Men do not like other men to trespass on their territory either.

One woman recalled sharing an apartment with her boyfriend’s sister when they were students. The boyfriend had a key to the abode. One evening she was sitting on the couch in the living room next to the deacon, who had the Bible open on his lap. Her boyfriend came in through the front door. He walked straight up to the deacon, lifted him by his tie and said: “And who the f*** are you.” “I am the deacon,” said the petrified man. “Oh,” replied her boyfriend, replacing the man on the couch and then retreated into her room.

The deacon picked up the Bible and fled out the door. “What were you thinking!” she confronted her red-faced boyfriend. “It has to do with territory,” he explained. “I don’t like any man coming near you, not even a male relative of yours.” The friendship with his sister has lasted a lifetime, the relationship with him did not. Years later, she became good friends with his wife though. Women are not lamp posts to be marked with urine as territory. (Some women do the same to men!)

Men do have this sense of territory. Many men who break up with a woman and who clearly no longer want her, still resent a new man on the premises. “Metaphorically speaking, I used to park in the driveway, now I have to park on the pavement, and there is another car in the driveway. I don’t like it,” said one man. Some men reserve the parking, by just giving her enough attention to keep her feelings going, but they never park the car. They might want to get back to her one day, but now is not the right time; or they think they may still find someone better, but they don’t actually want her to move on and they know they can’t expect her to wait. So they just reserve the parking. Ha!

One young man also proposed to his girlfriend. His plan was that he would marry her but she had to stay on in her brother’s home, while he went off to live and work in another town, until he could afford for her to move in with him. “No-go,” said the Big Brother, in the man-to-man talk. “You can’t reserve my sister like a table in a restaurant and only turn up over weekends and I must fit the bill. If you can’t afford her, then you can’t marry her.” The young man was being dishonourable. He could not claim territory and then ride off into the sunset. Leaving his brother-in-law to pay for the upkeep, would not provide an incentive for him (or her) to really work hard to afford marriage.


Heroes in Love – Habitats and watering holes

Habitats and watering holes

Single men and women often ask me where can they meet the opposite sex. Besides the obvious social media sites, which are quite acceptable these days, people still meet other people through friends. Many start cycling or join gyms, but no one is at their most attractive with sweaty helmet hair or smelling like Hercules after he had slain the lion. Anyway it takes a long, long time before people in the gym actually talk to each other.

Many singles state they do not want to hang around in pubs and clubs to meet people, especially the older generation. I have noticed that men and women differ in their habitats, like animals. Men are nocturnal and hunt at night. Women forage during the day. Many single women seldom venture out alone at night, because it is dangerous. They may go to the movies or dinner at a restaurant in a mall accompanied by other women, but generally they don’t like travelling alone in their cars after dark. They go to the malls and flea markets and food markets over the weekend, during daylight hours. When the sun sets and they have no date, they get DVDs and take-aways.

Guys sleep late on Saturday mornings and then lie on the couch watching sport during the remaining daylight hours. (Those hours when the girls are out there in the malls, in their pretty flouncing dresses). Or the guys visit Outdoor Expos, while the girls go to the Hobby or Design Expos. When the sun sets, the guys shower and get dressed to go out to hunt. (When all the girls are inside watching DVDs) When the hunt was unsuccessful, the guys go home and have a barbeque with their mates and get drunk and sleep late on Sunday morning, when the girls are hanging out at the flea markets and the nurseries and the outdoors coffee shops. Get it?

Sometimes they all do go out to music shows or shows or they listen to bands, or they do go to pubs just to socialise a bit. And then they are too shy or too drunk to talk to one another during interval. Get it?

Just a tip to the guys. Pick-up lines are corny. Don’t think yours is particularly original. It’s still a pick-up line. What would be refreshingly original to most girls is if you just say Hi, tell her you would like to get to know her and invite her for coffee. One man asked me why girls always cover their wickets. I answered if men would stop bowling at the wickets, the girls would stop covering them.

Match making

Women will easily introduce their male friends to female friends hoping to match make. Men will not. They are very reluctant to introduce their female friends to their male friends or acquiantances. There are two reasons. Firstly, men believe they do not need help to find a girlfriend. Secretly, they know they do, but they will never admit it. It’s an ego thing. So if they introduce a girl to a guy, they are signalling that he can’t find his own woman.

Men don’t object too much if their girlfriends or wives set up dates for communal friends, as long as they are not involved in the process and it does not backfire on them. Sometimes they object, but the wife or girlfriend persists. (One of those examples where she is not listening to him.) He probably knows some secret about the male, which he would not want to divulge because he is loyal to his friend. So if he does not think his mate would make a good match for her new best friend, drop the issue and don’t ask questions.

The second reason why men don’t introduce their female friends to their male friends is a tribal matter – it is primal. A man regards his female friends as members of his tribe. He is responsible for her and protects her. He resents another male moving in on the women in his tribe. Men agree with this. They usually protest that the other male is not in her league.

It’s not fair to the girl, who can make up her own mind, but it is the way it is. If a girl’s male friends tell her that her new boyfriend is an ass, she had better believe them. Due to their hero sense of protection, they usually only have her best interests at heart. She is in the tribe. Men also regard match making as a lose-lose situation. Ultimately they are going to lose the male or the female friend or both, whether the couple break up or get hitched. Men hate losing anything. They are quite open to their girl buddies introducing them to their female friends, though. They sort of expect it.

Sometimes a man may actually agree to introduce a female friend to a male friend. Then that male usually carries his stamp of approval. They usually refer to such a man as a “smart guy.” He won’t mind her dating his pal, because he honestly believes the other man will look after her, but woe to the man who messes with his friends.

Men have a code that they are not supposed to date a friend’s ex-girlfriend or lover. Girls have such a code too, but girls are less inclined to stick to it. The reason is that it is a status symbol, especially to younger girls, to have boyfriends. They may cheat, steal and borrow to get one.

Young men are more comfortable with being single than young women. Mature older people may have a different opinion. Once they get over the initial hurt of the break-up, they would want exes to find happiness. Older people know love and happiness do not come around that easily or that often any more and one should pursue it, when the real thing presents itself. Therefore they sincerely wish their friends or exes to be happy – I did say MATURE people.